The Guilty Freelancer: Poem & Process

Poem & Process is an ongoing series: one poem, and reflections on writing it.

The Guilty Freelancer

There’s a voice in my head telling me that I’ve not done enough today.
(There’s a voice in my head telling me that I’m not enough today)

There are still things on my To Do list I have not crossed off.
There are still unread emails in my inbox.
There is still so much that can be done before work is complete.

(The things on my To Do list can wait until tomorrow)
(The emails are not urgent)
(There are always things to do, and completion is an illusory concept)

The reality is: there is a limit on my capacity to focus.
The reality is: other parts of my life are calling.
The reality is: there is a hard limit on my time.

This voice doesn’t care for any of that.
Instead, it insidiously insists in a half-hissed whisper:
you have not done enough, Dan.
(You are not enough, Dan)

I allow it to beat on my psyche for a moment
before countering it with a kinder voice:
I have done enough today.
(I am enough)

As I pack my bag, I list all the things I have done:
I meditated and journaled.
I answered the important emails.
I sorted out my finances.
I had a meeting for a new project I’m working on.
I ate a healthy lunch - away from my screen!
I sketched out an idea for an opportunity.
I kept up-to-date with my WhatsApp messages.
I planned a workshop for an on-going project.
I finished a poem for a residency.
I have even written this.
(I am enough)

I have done enough. I have done enough. I have done enough.
(I am enough. I am enough. I am enough)

The pressure of feeling guilty eases off.
(a bit)

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Honestly, I’m not sure this is even a poem.

Immediately: of course it’s a poem! It has line breaks and repetition and personification and everything! My worry, really, is that it’s not a good poem. It’s an indulgent poem. One that’s way too obvious.

So what?

Inner voices, parts of me surfacing to tell me what to do; how to be. Often useful - often restrictive.

One’s here now, telling me this bit of writing here is also indulgent - too meta, too clever-clever, too knowingly self-conscious. Cringe.

When is it useful for me - for any of us - to challenge these inner voices that stop us from doing something? And when is it useful to listen to them, because they have genuine sense to what they are saying? That feels like discernment, which feels like another word for wisdom here.

All this to say: here’s my poem, Readers! And the kind of inner dialogue I might go through when deciding what to share here on Substack. I’ve come down on the side of: I reckon other people go through this sort of mental turmoil with work and productivity, and so I hope it will speak to someone and help them feel seen. I hope it serves.

Has this been a wise decision - to share this poem I am less-than-sure about? Ultimately, I don’t think it matters as much as I think it does, and certainly a lot less than the thought I’ve given it.