Events at the Patriot Games

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1. The Book Toss (into a trashcan)

2. The NRA Gun Show & Beauty Pageant

3. Pin the Tail on the Donkey (your choice of democratic senator)

4. Selective Memory Competition

5. Closed-Door Interview (NDA required)

6. Sports Betting

7. The Pennsylvania Ave 500 (sponsored by Tesla)

8. Ketamine Kettlebell

9. Pull-Up Contest Judged by the Super Yoked and Handsome Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth

10. Grilling Competition (men only)

11. Baking Competition (women only)

12. Swimsuit Competition (babes only)

13. The Kid Rock Singing Contest

14. 400m Fact-Hurdle

15. Women’s Volleyball (strictly enforced uniform)

16. Men’s Hockey (none of that Heated Rivalry shit)

17. Cornhole