How do we know whether a dream is actually ours or something we learned to want?

We are constantly told to dream bigger, leave places behind and become someone new.

But what happens when you finally do it and realize that the thing you were chasing was never something you actually wanted?

I feel like there are many things no one talks about when it comes to changing your life.

We talk alot about taking the leap and being brave enough to change something. We talk about chasing your dreams and becoming a different version of ourselves — since life is too short. We are told that if there is something we want badly enough, we should go after it no matter the circumstances. That one day when we finally get there, we will look back and be grateful that we had the courage to do it.

But what happens when you finally get there and it doesn’t feel the way you thought it would? When the thing you imagined for years would be this big, beautiful, magnificent change in your life and it turns out to be something entirely different?

You imagined moving from a smaller city to a bigger one. From a distance, it looks like everything is happening there. Everything that is not, here! More people. More opportunities and experiences. A small city can start to feel massive limitation when you spend enough time imagining everything that exists outside of it.

And then one day, you do take the leap. You do have that courage. You get there.

And you feel overwhelmed.

Too many people, too much noise, so much is happening all the time. Too many expectations and places to be. Instead of feeling excited by all the possiblities and chances you can take, you start to feel exhausted by them. You are tired every day and isolate yourself even more than you did before. Your last mundane environment just teleported in your new one.

And suddenly the life I thought was too small before, doesn’t seem so small anymore. It feels perfect and right for me.

For a matter of fact — I want to find something even smaller compared to whan I had before.

How did I want one thing so badly and then, in such a short period of time, find myself wanting almost the complete opposite?

Was that dream ever really mine to begin with?

Did I change my mind for whatever reason? Why did I change my mind?

We are constantly surrounded by other people’s lives. We see them on social media, in films, tv-shows, books. We watch people living in beautiful apartements in big cities. Going to restaurants, meeting friends, falling in love, starting new jobs. Everything looks exciting when we only see the highlight reel of it all. And the more we see something like that, the easier it becomes to imagine ourselves wanting it more and more.

That looks nice!

I would like that!

And those turn into — “I need that!”

I think this kind of circle happens to us more often than we actually realize. We see something online and want to buy it. We watch someone live a certain way and suddenly want to change our entire lifestyle. We become obsessed with a tv-show and start wanting to dress like the characters, live where they portray to live and become little more like them.

Sometimes we want things because the people around us want them. A friend tells us how much they love something and suddenly we start to wonder whether we love it as much too. Have you experienced that before in your life?

There is nothing necessarily wrong with being inspired by other people. We are influencers to others and influenced by the world around us. I feel strongly, that this is inevitable. But I think there is a difference between being inspired by something and slowly convincing yourself that somebody else’s dream should become yours.

Maybe I don’t actually want to live in a big city. Maybe I want to feel like I have more possibilities in my daily life?

I don’t want to be constantly surrounded by alot of people. Maybe I just don’t want to feel lonely?

What if I don’t want that expensive big apartement? I just want to feel more successful in life.

Those two are very different things and sides of things. Sometimes it is so hard to know the difference, until you actually commit and do the thing. You can think about your dream for years, even decades. You can imagine every little detail and map out every aspect of it. You can convince yourself that you know exactly how it will feel when you finally get there. But imagination and reality are not the same things.

Most of the times you have to live inside that reality you think you want, before you can understand whether it actually belongs to you. And if it does not fit your real reality and needs — you have not failed in life!

I think this is important to address, because we talk so much about the courage it takes to chase dreams and succeed in changing life circumstances. We celebrate people when they leave everything behind and make the changes and go after everything they want.

But we do not talk enough about the courage it takes to admit, you know what, actually, I don’t want this anymore. I thought I wanted this, but now I am not sure anymore.

You can be proud of yourself for doing something difficult and still realize you don’t want to stay there forever. We can still be grateful for an experience and still want something different.

You can make the right decision with the information you had at the time and still change your mind later!

I don’t know if there is a clear way to know where our dreams come from at all times. We can’t always separate what we genuinely want from what social media shows us, what film romanticized or what we wanted, because everyone around us seemed to want it too.

I have realized that there are certain questions I can ask myself before making big decisions or pursuing a dream. These questions might help me understand whether I truly want something or not.

1. When did I first start wanting this? Have I wanted it for years, or have I wanted the idea of it for years?

2. What was happening in my life when I first decided that this was important to me?

3. Is this something I have wanted consistently, or something I became obsessed with during a particular season in my life?

4. Whose life does this remind me of? Is there someone whose life I may be unconciously trying to recreate?

5. What would an ordinary Tuesday in this life actually look like?

6. Do I want the reality of this or do I want the image of it?

7. If nobody could see me doing this, would I still want to do it?

8. If social media disappeared tomorrow, would this still be my dream?

9. Is there any other way I could experience the feeling I am seeking without making this particular change?

10. What if I finally get it and feel nothing? How would I feel about the decision then?

What are you supposed to do when the dream comes true and you are still lonely and sad? Still unsure of what comes next?

We are allowed to change our minds without turning our past selves into fools for wanting what they wanted. We are allowed to learn every single day and want something completely different at the end of the day.

Notice what feels good for you and what you like. Ask yourself where your desires come from and give permission to try them before making any kind of decision what comes next.

This is not my dream anymore — and I will start finding a new one! Me trying to be confident while saying this.

-Payton