Alone, Not Lonely!

I remember the first time I thought I needed a crowd.

In middle school and early high school, every evening, I was out on the playground surrounded by a group of kids. Even though I didn’t have many close friends in those early years, I did have one best friend.

We met when we were practically babies, since our mothers were close. She was my rock from kindergarten all the way to the end of high school. She was the one person I knew I could always rely on, even when everything else felt uncertain. But as I grew older, we grew older, the crowd got bigger. I started going out every evening not just with her, but with other kids. Kids I didn’t even know, but I was there because of her. I tried to fit in so badly, even when something inside me told me it wasn’t quite right for me.

In high school that friendship was still my anchor. We spent so much time together, but I also kept trying to be part of a bigger group she belonged in. And I started to see a pattern. People only reached out to me when they needed something from me. Help with homework, a note, a favor. I thought that being needed meant being valued, so I did whatever was asked or told. It was never equal since whenever I asked something, they did not want to help me.

Then college came and for a while it felt like a fresh start. Everything was new and people were from another town. New life, new me! I was a tutor, involved in student organizations and people came to me for advice and support. (How did you not see that red flag? Life is literally repeating here!) I thought maybe this is it! (Oh, give me a break!) I’m finally seen and valued. (Are you? In what way?) But then everything started repeating itself, like it was back in middle school. (Didn’t see that coming, did ya?) I kept on giving my time, my care, my energy - and I desberately waited for something in return. Once I woke up, I finally realized most of these connections were about what I could offer, not at all who I was. Talking about tutoring specifically a little here aswell. There were people who genuinely needed my help and time, and this is what I loved to do. Made me happy when someone came out of their shell to ask for help. But others, quickly turned into something transactional. They weren’t interested in knowing me or hearing what I was saying, they were purely interested in what I could do for them. They knew I could help with assignments, finish their tasks or even give them answers for exams I had done prior. I never understood how to change it or what was missing from my end.

Boundaries. I never even thought about that word or knew what it really meant. Why one should have those and what they give you in the long run? I let people behave the same since I was openly and wholeheartedly ready to provide whatever they asked from me, at any point in time.

When college ended, I chose to be alone. For the first time in my life. I still had some online friends, people I’d known for years, but those conversations eventually faded too. And what I realized is that right now, I don’t feel lonely. I don’t feel empty being alone. In fact, I do have everything I need.

I have learned how to provide myself the things I used to look for in others. Support, closeness, knowing you are being heard. I realized that when I feel the urge to reach out, sometimes it’s still because I want a listening ear or a sense of connection.

So I asked myself. How can I, right here, right now, give myself these things? How can I be the person I am looking for? What do I truly need? What is missing in my life and how can I fill it from within myself? I don’t mean this in a rigid, self-sufficient way. I know, sometimes we just need company. We are social creatures, we thrive in a pack mostly. I get that completely! But for me, it was a turning point. Once I started listening myself and really feeling what I was feeling, I didn’t feel the need to run to others to vent or ask for validation anymore. I gave myself space. I held my own feelings and in doing that, I started to give myself everything I had been looking for all of those years.

I feel like I need to mention that, yes, it took years to arrive here. Didn’t take months or weeks, rather total of 4 years to arrive where I am today. Alot of heartbreak and letting go. Learning what boundaries are and how to set them right.

And that is the happiest I have been. I still have a full life, I do things I love. But now I am no longer chasing someone else’s approval, their time and effort.

And no, I am not lonely.

-Payton