Conrad's Version Ch 50 Vol 3

The guys got up early to go meet Dad for a fishing excursion on his new boat. I couldn’t stomach the idea of being on a boat with all of them after everything I’d heard the night before at the bar. The way they’d all paraded Jeremiah sleeping with another girl like it was a goddamn trophy. More than that, I couldn’t face being on a boat with Jeremiah after everything I’d said to Belly.

I heard the girls getting up and moving around in the morning and stayed in my room until I thought the house was clear. When I stepped out, there was Belly, fresh out of the shower, wrapped in a towel. I cast my eyes down immediately, unable to meet hers. She shuffled into her room fast, the soft sound of her feet shuffling against the wood floors.

I went out to get coffee and tried to eat a breakfast burrito at a food truck parked near town. I kept my head down while I ate, not wanting anyone from town to stop and make small talk. I chewed without really tasting it, my mind still stuck on the fight from the night before. After a few hours, I figured Belly would be at the spa with the girls, so I headed back home. Except, when I walked in through the kitchen, there she was, mid bite on a sandwich and completely alone.

The look of disbelief was clear on her face. She looked down at the counter, licked her lips, then up at me, a slight glare settling in.

“Hello,” I tried to say casually, but it came out weaker than I intended it to.

I saw the slightest shake of her head as if in disbelief. “What are you doing here, you’re supposed to be on the boat with everyone.” Her eyebrow went up as she crossed her arms in front of her.

I took a few tentative steps forward, floorboards creaking under my weight. I looked at them instead of her. She was still waiting for my answer. I was about to lie, say I had a headache, but the truth came out instead. “Yeah, I couldn’t bring myself to be on a boat for hours with my brother. Didn’t seem like the best idea.”

She looked at me for a second, then down at the counter, at the rest of her uneaten sandwich. I saw a slight tremor in her hand and knew I had to fix the damage I’d done.

“Can we, um, talk,” I started, scratching at my chin, “about last night.” I still couldn’t meet her eyes, and when I dropped my hand from my face I cracked my knuckles, just to give myself something to do.

She waited. Arms crossed, jaw tight. A few seconds passed, then a few more but I couldn’t get the words out.

Her patience ran out. She let out a short breath through her nose and reached for my car keys off the counter. “I actually have to go. I have something I have to do in town.”

I followed her toward the door. “I’m so sorry about everything I said last night, I was drunk off my ass and I’m really sorry and..”

She whipped around before I could finish. She looked away, then back at me, mouth opening and closing like she couldn’t land on where to even start.

I found the words that time. “I think being here again,” A pause, “with you, it just brought back a lot of memories and I let it fuck with my head. I don’t even really remember everything I said last night, I was out of my mind and very drunk. Can we just forget it?”

She narrowed her eyes. “No. You were not drunk.”

I looked away, unable to lie to her face. “Yeah, I actually was pretty wasted and…”

She scoffed, her voice climbing. “Oh my God, and here I thought you’d changed. You haven’t changed at all, Conrad.”

Hearing her say my name in anger caused knots in my stomach. When I looked at her again, there was anger written all over her face.

She kept going without pausing. “You decide to finally be honest and open up the weekend of my wedding. That’s,” she sucked in a breath, “that’s fucked up.”

I shifted on my feet, feeling the harshness of her words.

“And now you’re asking me to just forget it?” she went on, her voice dropping an octave at the end.

I couldn’t help wondering if my confession had actually affected her. If some part of her didn’t want to forget my words at all. “What are you saying,” I said, fighting back a smile. “That you don’t want to forget everything I said?”

She threw both hands up like she was shielding herself from me, and my smile died before it fully formed. “You know what, you’re sick for playing these games. Do you realize you can’t play with people like that?” She turned back for the door.

“Belly, just wait a second,” I said, guilt barreling down on me.

She turned back around so fast I took a step back. She stepped closer, finger in my face. “No. No. Don’t say my name.” She poked me in the chest. “Don’t say my name ever again, don’t think it, in fact, forget my name. Forget me. Don’t ever speak to me again. You got it?” She was nearly shouting.

I stood there, shocked at the rage spilling out.

“Belly, come on, you don’t mean that,” I said as she shook her head in disbelief. I kept going anyway. “It’s going to be a little hard to honor that, considering you’re marrying my brother.”

Her hands flew up in frustration before slapping down against her legs. “Yeah, you’re right, I am marrying your fucking brother, and now I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to say to him or how I can even look him in the face after you, you…” She was too angry to finish it.

She pinched the bridge of her nose, breathing in and out, once, twice, before she went on. “How am I supposed to marry him with you standing next to him on his wedding day after all of this?” Her hands gestured to me and then herself. “I can’t. I can’t do that to him. It’s cruel and it’s dishonest. I want you to leave. I want you gone. Make up one of your shit excuses and go to Boston, back to California, I really don’t fucking care where, as long as you go.”

I inhaled sharp, willing my voice to stay even while my eyes stung. “No,” I said, then louder, “I am not going anywhere, Belly.”

She clenched both hands, stepping closer. “I told you not to say my name again. I am telling you to go. Just fucking leave. Go!” She shoved me back.

I had never seen her this angry. Not at prom. Not even at the funeral. She closed the distance again and shoved me a second time. “Go, just go!”

I stumbled back then stood frozen. “What did you want me to say, Belly?”

She pulled at her hair, fingers tangling like she wanted to yank it out by the roots. She was coming apart in front of me, and it was my fault, and I still couldn’t stop.

“Stop saying my name,” she shouted again.

“What do you want? What do you want from me?” My own frustration broke loose.

“I want…” she started, but I cut her off, unable to hold back anymore. “I don’t know how to do this anymore. I tore myself open, bare, for you last night. I laid it all out, honest. And you shut me down. Shut it all down.”

I breathed in softly through my nose, trying to bring my voice back down. “And now here I am, trying my best to find a way out of last night. I’m trying to fix this for both you and me. Trying to salvage a little piece of dignity I have left with my heart bleeding in my chest. Trying to walk away a little less broken so I can stand to be in the same room as you.” My voice cracked. “So I can have just enough pride left to look you in the eye. And you won’t even let me have that.”

Her nostrils flared, tears rising in her eyes.

“My heart is bleeding in my chest. Do you get that? It’s broken into a million pieces for you. Is that the honesty you want?” I finished.

She shook her head. “No, Conrad. Your heart can’t be broken when you’re so fucking heartless.”

Her words went into me like a knife that she wanted to twist deeper.

“No,” I said, a tear slipping loose. “You’re wrong. It’s actually you that’s heartless.”

I pushed past her, trying to leave, but she grabbed my arm and turned me back to her.

“Why would you say that?” She didn’t let go. “Tell me what you meant by that?.”

I glanced down at where her hand gripped my arm, she didn’t let go, so I carefully removed her hand. If I had no right to say her name, she had no right to touch me.

I closed my eyes briefly, the fight draining out of me. “You know what I meant. You’re the one without a heart here. I love you. I have always loved you. I will never not love you.”

She stared at me, stunned. I willed myself to keep going, to finally let all my truth out. “But you already knew that. I think you’ve always known but you just chose to ignore it. To pretend there was nothing left between us. It made it easier that way. Easier to be with Jere. Easier to not feel like shit about your choice.”

She shook her head at me. “No, no, that’s simply not true.”

“Yes it is, and you know it. Now who’s the one that’s lying?”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” She said exasperated. “We dated, Conrad. Briefly, in high school. And you broke that. And now what, I’m somehow supposed to know you’re still not over it after all these years?”

“It wasn’t just when we dated, Belly, and you know that.” I took a step closer. “It was every moment before it. Every summer before that. And every moment after, too, all the ones we don’t talk about, all the ones I know you remember same as I do.” My voice caught, but I pushed through it. “And it hasn’t been years. It hasn’t even been a year since Christmas.”

Her face fell at that. She tried and failed to stay angry. “Christmas? What does that have to do with any of this?”

I closed my eyes for a second, a montage of moments playing in my head. “It’s not just Christmas. It’s the day at Michael’s. The dinner before Jere got home.” I opened and closed my fist to keep from touching her. “What about when I cut my leg surfing? You’re going to look me in the eye right now and tell me that was nothing? That you felt nothing?”

She paused. “It was nothing,” she said, but her voice wasn’t as strong as she probably wanted it to be. Her lip trembled. I knew she was lying, but if she couldn’t be honest after everything I’d just given her, there was nothing left for me to say.

“Okay. Fine. If that’s what you want to tell yourself.” I paused. “But I’m done lying to myself. Done lying to you. Done holding it back just so you can feel comfortable pretending none of it’s real.” I reached for her hand. Her breath halted and for a second neither of us moved. I gently pulled my car keys from her fingers, careful not to hold on any longer than I needed to. “I’m done pretending for you.” I left her standing there, turned around, and walked out the door.

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