I wrote about my aching “Crone-Shaped Hole” last week and my attempt to begin filling it after The Universe (or Mama U as I call her) provided me a path to Deb.
Deb... the therapist/medicine woman with more decades of mothering and space-holding than I've had on this planet.
It’s been a long time since I’ve sat in a waiting room, on the client side of a first therapy session.
And while this was far from a traditional therapy session, it had me reflecting on my nearly decade and a half in the therapist chair. And ultimately, why I decided to burn it all down to begin something new.
Part of why I stopped working as a traditional therapist was that I wanted to bring more of my humanity to sessions. While never a fully “blank slate”, I definitely leaned pretty far to on the firm boundaries with clients. I didn’t share much about myself or my opinions.
I saw my role to be a guide for my sometimes people-pleasing and outsourcing clients back to their OWN wisdom. To the answers they already knew, but were often just scared to admit to themselves.
But after loss and acute grief blasted my world apart, I felt like a better therapist. Even though sometimes just opening my computer for telehealth sessions felt insurmountable, once I clicked into a session, I was dialed in. And I think a large part of this was because I was showing up more fully as myself.
Not in a way that any of my clients knew what I was actively grieving or working through in my own life. But in a way that felt more human. I don’t know how else to say it. I've tried to put this shift into words before... and have always come up short. I just know there was a change in me. Maybe it was purely that I was giving less fucks in all areas of life, a common “gift” of grieving.
This was the first domino to fall on my path to closing my practice.
As I paced in the waiting room, I felt transported to a place in the ethereal where I could connect with all my past clients, in the exact moment they took their first step towards healing.
If you read my first book, you already know from Lesson 5 that your therapist most likely thinks about you outside of sessions.
Side note: If you start using AI as your therapist, it will NOT be bringing humanity to you or thinking about you in the produce aisle.
I can only speak for myself, but it’s not just my active clients who I think about. It’s been two years since I officially shut down my practice and 16 years since I saw my first client - and I still have moments when I reflect on “a person who I adore that happened to find me as a therapist so that’s what our relationship was” (aka: a past client).
I wonder how her dog is doing.
I wonder what her kids look like now.
I wonder if her husband is still doing that annoying thing.
I wonder if she took the promotion.
I wonder if she finally moved across the country.
I wonder if she’s chasing that dream she never shared with anyone but me.
I wonder if she’s happy.
I hope that she’s happy.
Damn…. I really hope she’s happy.
I hope she’s living her fullest life that includes as much joy and pleasure alongside all the heartache and uncertainty that is guaranteed.
Most of all, I hope she deeply trusts herself.
If you’re a past client reading this, just know how often I hope that final hope for you. ✨♥️
It was after the waiting room that I discovered what I actually desire from Deb…
I very much WANT her opinion.
I want to hear from her.
I want her words of wisdom.
I want to hear what she has learned in four decades of doing the work she does and the realms she’s visited.
I want to glean from her two decades of parenting.
I want her to OWN her expertise.
I want to be able to talk to her if I see her in the produce aisle.
Of course, there is an art to self-disclosure. I want her to be the type of crone who is discerning in what she shares. To lead with intuition and also know when the thing she wants to say is more for her than me.
I’m realizing there is a certain level of Self-Trust that makes this kind of arrangement valuable. I trust myself enough to know that she can say something to me and I don’t have to take it as absolute truth - even though she has decades of life experience on me.
What I desire from her happens to be a mirror to how I also want to show up for the women I work with now.
I want to bring more of myself. To trust they’ll filter everything I say through their own “truth system”. To honor their sovereignty. To remember that it’s okay to be “wrong” about a perspective I offer.
My being wrong might be the exact thing they need to reconnect with their own inner compass.
And isn’t that what I’ve been after all along?
🧭
Comments
Nothing yet. Say the first thing.
Sign in to join the conversation.