Clavicular Doesn't go Nearly Far Enough

The Clavicular Looksmaxxing Manosphere Thinkpieces have taken the entire internet by storm. Which means for better or worse, you might’ve heard of a technique called mewing.

Mewing is performed by fixing your tongue on the roof of your mouth and applying pressure. Over time, this is said to improve the jawline and nasal breathing. For looksmaxxers though, it unlocks the ability to mog your jester opps.

What most people don’t know is the fascinating history behind this technique. You see, the British orthodontist Dr. John Mew1 invented the technique in 1970 as a core part of his alternative orthodontics practice—

—sorry, hold on just a sec—

Ahem.

It appears we have a correction—in fact, mewing was invented much earlier, in the 17th century, by some currycel mf named Sage Gheranda as detailed in the “Gheranda Samhita”

Nabho mudra uses the same tongue posture as mewing, but instead of mogging opps it puts the posture to use destroying all manner of disease and deepening meditative absorption.

But here’s where Clavicular and his ilk fall short—Nabho mudra is also a preparatory practice for ANOTHER, more advanced mudra called Khechari mudra.

Khechari mudra is, uhhh, CRUCIAL to the pursuit of enlightenment. Yeppers, can’t get there without it really. The lore states that there’s some nectar (Amrita) up there, and if you licky-licky, it aids in rejuvination, controlling hunger and thirst, and activating the Ajna Chakra (third eye).

The mudra comes with a number of intensive preperatory practices, including but not limited to:

From what I’ve seen, the online looksmaxxers are clearly not milking it enough. This can only be understood as the spiritual degeneration of humanity within the Kali Yuga, wherein—

—oop, pardon me one sec—

I-I h-have just been i-informed that the K-Khechari mudra w-was in fact detailed in this much earlier f-f-f-fourteenth century text, the Khecharividya, attributed t-to Ādinātha (“the primordial guru”, one of Lord Shiva’s various roles).

The Khecharividya details the bodily preparation for Khechari mudra with truly autistic precision:

If you’re not slicing and dicing your mf lingual frenulum for the purpose of reaching up into your nasal cavity, consuming the nectar, and gaining immortality, I regret to inform you that your Sexual Market Value (SMV) is plummeting by the second and it is indeed over for you. Consider speedrunning to your next reincarnation2.

As you can see, the history of mewing is quite rich, going back over 600 years! But what’s even more crazy is that—

—ah, hang on, i gotta take this—

Uhh.. hhhhhhrnngggghhh, urghghhhrhhhh uhhhhhhk

So as I was saying *vomits blood*, mewing *stabbed in the throat* and other more advanced Throat Goat techniques *banshee screams in the distance* FIRST appeared in the Vijñāna Bhairava Tantra, author unknown, dated to about the 7th century.

This legendary text of the Kashmiri Shaivism tradition details 112 meditation techniques transmitted by Bhairava (fierce form of Shiva) to enter the universal and trascendental state of consciousness.

Line 81 of the text reads:

At this point, we have departed from the more advanced booger-lickin’ Khechari mudra back toward a simpler tongue posture that more closely resembles mewing itself.

As an easter egg, line 69 is exactly as it should be:

Phew. And there we have it, a COMPREHENSIVE esoteric history of mewing, which has existed long before Dr. John Mew ever—

—ehheh, excuse me just a second—

Whew. Okay. Ol Lao Dan really gave me an earful—get it?3

The Old Master just called to inform us that in fact, his homie Ge Xuan (well really, it was Ge’s nephew Ge Chaofu) wrote this text called the Lingbao Wufuxu (Preface to the Five Talismans of Numinous Treasure) on cultivating health, longevity, and immortality.

This all went down during the 4th century CE. Have a look:

The early Taoists were very interested in the proper swallowing of saliva, and tongue posture here is more of a means to an end. If you meditate for half a year you’ll begin to understand why they obsessed over proper swallowing so much.

Perhaps it’s a stretch to include this though, since they’re not directly talking about tongue posture per—

—DEAR LORD who could it POSSIBLY be NOW—

This is the end of the road as far as written history is concerned.

In the 1st century BCE, two Buddhist sutras in the Pali Canon mention tongue posture, an entire 2,000 years before we started calling it mewing: