[Note: As I’ve said before, these pieces were originally going to be written under the nom de plume Crum Raisinpurz, but I’ve decided to publish them here with the hopes that they make you laugh. Satire and humor are important political weapons when punching up against the powerful and wealthy, especially when facing idiotic authoritarian assholes.
So, here’s Raisinpurz’s latest installment.]
WASHINGTON D.C.—Secretary of War Pete Hegseth made a startling announcement on Friday to top Air Force commanders: “I’ve made an executive decision and changed the interiors of the cockpits a little bit. Just a little bit.” Some noted a slight slurring of his words.
“For all new F-35s, the new stealth generation of fighter jets, we will be installing mini-minibars into them for our patriotic, badass pilots. Because even up high in the sky, defending Americans against Americans, our pilots just might need a brewski.”
To a silent audience of Air Force commanders at the Pentagon, Hegseth explained the new feature.
“Our brave, muscular, strong men high in the skies deserve access to the alcohol of their choice. This measure aims to restore freedoms lost. Well, not anymore. Freedom will be restored with this nifty, compact mini-minibar that will be conveniently located on the left-hand side, near the pilot’s thigh.”
When a member of the press mentioned that alcohol was never allowed in the first place, Hegseth retorted, “There are too many regulations as it is. This one has been around for far too long.”
Another journalist interjected and asked about the FAA’s “Bottle to the Throttle Rule,” a regulation requiring pilots to stop consuming alcohol at least 8 hours before flying. They must also have a blood alcohol concentration (BAC) below 0.04% when operating aircraft.
“First, that ruling is outdated and restricts our pilots from enjoying the freedom of having a beer in a fucking F-35. Come on, man! Get with the drill. We’re bringing freedoms back more than ever,” Hegseth proclaimed to the press and silent Air Force commanders.
“In fact, I’m also instituting a required Happy Hour at the Pentagon and bases across the United States and Europe, so that every Friday, our hard-working, ass-kicking men will be able to let a little steam off together over beer and chasers of Bourbon. It’s time we made our military similar to the 1950s here!”
Hegseth made no mention of whether women in the military would be included in the enforced Happy Hour events every Friday.
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