I feel I’m slowly coming back to life a little after a nearly 2.5 year recovery (still ongoing) with Long Covid. Immediately, when I felt a little better I started trying to go back to my old ways or just assuming I could work how I did before.
But what happened was quite a shock. It seems like everything I’d known before just didn’t fit anymore…I liken it to not wearing high heels for years (which I haven’t!) and then trying to put a pair on and wondering how and why on earth people wear these! So uncomfortable, want to take them, off can’t move.
I’ve always felt mildly stressed when taking on bigger client projects, but part of me loved them; the creativity, the collaboration. It was the same working at design and advertising agencies. Hoewever I also felt this underlying anxiety…waiting for client feedback, approval, getting told tweaks or things weren’t right. But I was good at it. Coped with pressure. Kept my cool and delivered. Like a swan with furiously peddling legs underneath the water.
I always found that waiting for feedback time excruciating. Any amends felt like instant fight or flight moments and I couldn’t truly relax when doing a client project for weeks. All these things I hadn’t really noticed until I properly stopped. Even though dealing with a chronic illness has been so tough, in some ways it has shone a light on the many not-quite-right areas in my life and business I’d been stuffing down or running from with busyness and activity.
Finally being told to stop work for months by the doctor completely gave me the space to start to rest and recover. This ended up going on for more and more months. I tried a couple of times to take on freelance work or small design projects but immediately, symptoms would flare and I’d have to stop. And again a few months ago, when my energy seemed better, I tried to take on projects, this time with better boundaries. And this worked well, I thought maybe I’ve cracked it.
I’ve toiled with this constantly as I’m good at branding, it brings in most of my income, I enjoy the creativity and so many parts of it. It gives me more freedom than a typical 9-5…but for some reason now my body just keeps saying NO. Perhaps it was always was like this and with more energy and reserve I could push through and ignore it. I’ve tried so many things to ease this and my clients have been so lovely so I know it’s not that!
I still haven’t quite worked it out but lots of walks amongst the trees, contemplating and journalling helped uncover that perhaps the pressure to create, someone else’s deadline, perfectionism etc play into it. I feel relaxed creating my illustration kits, brand kits, doing design days (as these are shorter time frames and less open-ended) and also mentoring and running nature workshops. I compare that to when I’m doing bigger branding projects and I feel heavy, more stressed and overwhelmed.
It’s scary to write this as I worry gosh what if clients read and think I hated the jobs.. which I didn’t! I guess it isn’t personal, it’s more that particular way of working where your creativity has to work for someone else, there are no fixed guidelines, no job finished feeling.
That’s why creating semi-custom brand kits feel good and easeful too..websites I have created that I then tweak to match brands, brand kits I create that people can easily customise, design days, mentoring and workshops that have clear start and end points and no/minimal amends. They all feel lighter for some reason.
I’m still working all this out and there is such a terror and fear around admitting this and having no idea what will come next but also knowing at my current capacity with Long Covid, the stress of what I used to do I can no longer do.
I can’t stomach the churn, the marketing, the endless reels, the push, the never enough, the comparison, the competition, the productivity and fakeness that just seems endemic in the business world. I’m listening to those tight feelings instead of pushing on and making myself tough them out. I’m noticing what feels easeful and I’m ignoring all those messages from sometimes well-meaning friends, family and business mates.
What next?
I don’t know. I’m doing small things that I enjoy, slowly working on brand kits and illustration kits, taking on design days and mentoring, sharing these vulnerable posts and my voice notes. I’m open to other opportunities, part of me wants to go off and volunteer for an organic off-grid garden and re-wilding place (although atm I don’t have the physical capacity for that!). But admitting that perhaps I can’t do what I used to do and I’ve built a business that just doesn’t fit me anymore, and my main service stresses me too much feels like a mixture of failure and relief.
Who knows if when I do feel well or have more energy, things will change but for now that grasp of keep trying and seeing I still can’t do it has kept me in a perpetual spiral of frustration so it’s time to let it go.
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