My Pitch to The Billfold: #YOLOing Through My Layoff

I wasn’t going to share this pitch since it’s from so long ago (2018) and from an outlet that, however beloved it was in its time, no longer exists. I try to be as useful as possible when it comes to the paid content on this newsletter, proving once again that my integrity prevents me from being successful in any capitalistic endeavor. However, layoffs are everywhere, it is a “boss’s market” as a good friend described it, and the job offers keep getting shittier and shittier. And yesterday, I experienced the consequences of all this in the flesh, which got me thinking about all the ways I have lost gigs.

Honestly, I don’t have a ton of stories surrounding the topic. Usually, I’ve either quit or a project simply wrapped up. Sometimes, contracts end and the clients go radio silent, never to be heard from again. I wonder if it was me or them, like a heroine at the beginning of a romcom wondering about an ex. Usually, though, it’s just a very extended pause and I realize that any lull in receiving work on their end probably had nothing to do with my output. I had one contract promptly terminated during COVID, when everyone was freaking out, and another contract terminated by an agency when their respective clients decided to end their services, making me redundant. In that case, I hadn’t even had a chance to present the work I made because of behind-the-scenes drama I was not privy to, so I never took it personally.

The only time I was properly laid off by an office job was because of mass layoffs that affected large swaths of the university where I was an employee. It happened around the time I saw the call for pitches on money and humor from The Billfold, an outlet I used to love and that I had already written for. I had nothing but time on my hands and my only coping mechanism is to joke my way through the pain. It’s the one and only time I’ve ever pitched humor since joke-y pieces like this are usually sent off as whole drafts. This is a great example though of the importance of matching the tone of your pitch to your proposed final product. If I was proposing a funny essay, I better demonstrate I can crack a joke from the get-go.

I am sharing my pitch under the same conditions I always do:

1. Don’t ever tell me if you find a typo, EVER. It clearly wasn’t bad enough for the jury/committee/reader/editor, etc. to reject me and it will only serve to haunt me until my dying days.

2. Do not plagiarize my silly little sentences. It’s not cool and I’ll know you’ll have done it. Especially if you copy+paste it with the typos I do NOT want brought to my attention.