I sometimes get decision-fatigued. I’m not entirely sure what mental muscle makes decisions, but it seems to be an capacity/energy bottleneck for me: I can tell I need a holiday when I start finding objectively small decisions and plans overwhelming. (This is a bit inconvenient, because often when is on holiday or has one coming up, one wants to decide what to do during the holiday).1
But anyway, I’ve recently been experimenting with something that’s useful for this, and I’m writing it down in case it’s useful for others (and to kind of cement it/reify it for myself).
A few weeks ago, I was in a good mood. I noticed it was because I was relating to being indecisive in a certain way. I was walking back from the gym and trying to decide whether to do some homework for my counselling course that evening, or not. And I noticed that the impulse to do the homework, and the impulse to not do it, were both super reasonable.
The part that wanted to do the homework said stuff like: ‘It actually feel great to be on top of things, competent, dare I say a little teacher’s-pet-like. I want to be ahead of the game. It would be really satisfying to have all my homework squared away and handed in tomorrow, not have to worry about tracking it into next week. It’s only a little bit’. What a reasonable desire!
The part that didn’t want to do the homework was like: ‘I’m kinda tired, and I’ve already done a lot today - work, weight-lifting… I also don’t need to do it today: the deadline is next week’. Again, what a completely reasonable argument!
Another example: I was deciding to go to a big clubby party-like thing.
In favour of going: ‘If I went, I’d be Being Social, which is a thing I value.I often in fact feel better when I interact with people, even if I’m in a bad mood before the interaction. I might have great fun and meet new people. It would be a nice thing to do on my holiday’. What a reasonable decision that would be!
Against going: ‘Well, I do feel tired.2 I’ve had a long string of days where I’ve been travelling around London, and I have the same scheduled next week, and that takes it out of me. I’ll feel better if I can get done with a couple of tasks that I feel burdened by’. What an extremely valid reason!
The advantage of this process is, firstly, that it makes me feel better about being in the state of not-having-decided. By default, I feel stressed by the idea that I ‘need’ to decide about things by a certain time, and yet it feels impossible to do so. Instead, when I use this technique, I feel more relaxed: whatever I choose to do, it’ll be a great and reasonable decision, including whatever happens by default if I don’t choose in time (e.g. not doing the thing or going to the event), there’s no need to worry. There is no ‘should’.
(I think the process also highlights and dissolves sneaky ‘shoulds’ — I suspect ‘indecision’ for me is pretty often ‘most of me wants to do x, but some vocal and authoritative part of me wants to do y’ in a trenchcoat.)
But the process can also make it easier to take the decision because… in my default decision-fatigued state, when I consider my options, I tend to focus on the negatives. If I don’t do the homework, I’ll still be burdened by it; if I do do the homework, I won’t get to rest. So it feels better to dither, and not have to eat one of those costs. Whereas if I focus on the positives, I don’t have this effect.
How to actually do this? Well, I expect Focusing, IFS, and other parts-work therapy techniques would help. But also, you might just be able to do it by brainstorming the benefits and positives of each decision (without focusing on the negatives and opportunity costs). Feel free to be emotive and effusive: describe the decision the way that Chris Traeger from Parks and Recreation would, or, if you haven’t see Parks and Rec, imagine what a super compassionate and on-your-side therapist would say if you had taken the decision and you were doubting yourself.
Incidentally, I’m interested if this is the case for others, or if fatigue shows up differently for them. How do you know you need a holiday, and what’s your job?
I swear I am not always tired. Maybe a little overscheduled though.
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