Saturday Morning Glory

I went to bed Friday night expecting to wake up to news that the U.S. had attacked Iran. Why? Because the “unpredictable and erratic” Trump has proven, in some areas, to be as predictable as clockwork. The peace president only bombs nuclear facilities or kidnaps world leaders after Wall Street has closed. This is why his “operations” so often fall in the early hours of Saturday.

Take just the last year:

• US airstrikes on Iranian nuclear facility – Sat., June 22, 2025

• Hawkeye strikes in Syria - Sat., Dec 19, 2025

• Venezuela bombings and the abduction of Maduro – Sat., Jan 3, 2026

That’s right, let the investing masses wake to the possibility of another war while groggy-eyed and hungover on Saturday morning. By Monday, when the markets reopen, the attack is old news, and the S&P can continue chugging up the mountain unmolested—even if this latest run-up ends going over the rim of the Grand Canyon.

I was, obviously, wrong that the U.S. would attack Iran on Saturday. Wrong by about two thousand miles. Instead, on Saturday morning, in another of his haphazardly capitalized “Truth Social” posts,1 Trump attacked Europe.

The latest salvo: ten-percent tariffs on eight European countries for daring to interfere with his acquisition of Greenland. As of June 1^st, it will be 25 percent. It’s the docking fee of the Donroe Doctrine.

Yes, more tariffs. We’ve been on this TACO rodeo before. But I’m not complaining. Who wouldn’t rather see Europe attacked with a tariff threat than Iran attacked with bombs? At least anyone except Lindsey Graham?

I confess it warmed my spirit to see that South Carolina senator—a soft manbaby forever trying to play G.I. Joe with actual men’s lives—look so glum when his glorious siege of Persia appeared postponed. Don’t be sad, Lindsey. I’m sure that someday soon, on some other Saturday, you’ll get your Iran War, and it will be as violent and feverish as your wettest dream.

It also warmed me to watch European leaders—who keep meekly acquiescing to Trump despite him constantly kicking them in the teeth—get kicked in the teeth again. If they’re willing to keep playing gimp to their Lord across the pond, it seems only fitting that the floggings continue.

I jest. European leaders are not gimps. They’re house slaves. And as all field slaves know, the house slaves are the last to rebel. They remain loyal to the bitter end.

Which is why it was surprising to see European leaders openly express discontent this time. Even the winner of the 2025 Accommodationist-of-the-Year award, UK prime minister Keir Starmer, called the tariff threat “completely wrong,” which by his milquetoast standards amounts to a double-armed Up-Yours middle finger. Even Trump fanboy Nigel Farage offered some carefully worded disagreement.

Yes, Europe appears to be putting up a united front. It’s probably just hot air as usual, because in an existential tug-of-war between NATO and Greenland, NATO wins. But we’ll see. Let’s see whether Europe bands together to deter the barbarian to the west or whether, in keeping with tradition, it returns to the dungeon and slip back into its well-worn bondage suit.

To be fair, Europe’s leaders are in a tough place. To the east, Russia and China challenge their historic privilege to smash whomever they please. To the west, their former colony and current master has mocked and abandoned them. And from within, their own populations despise them.

So, yes, I feel for European leaders. Their establishment is breaking up faster than a 21^st century glacier. Soon they may resemble the residents of Jose Saramago’s novel The Stone Raft, in which the Iberian Peninsula breaks off from mainland Europe and drifts away into the Atlantic. Except this time, all of Europe will be adrift.

But I digress. We’ll see what happens. In the meantime, let us be thankful that tomorrow is Monday—which means that, at least for another five days, it’s unlikely that the latest charity recipient of the Nobel Peace Prize will murder a bunch of Iranians and launch yet another Middle Eastern war.