Desire Discrepancy

It’s called “desire discrepancy”.

This is what sexual health professionals call it when a partner doesn’t want sex or think about sex as often as their partner.

A couple who experiences a difference in how often they are thinking about or want sex may explain it as one person not being as sexual as the other. No sexual chemistry. A question of asexuality. A conservative upbringing or sexual trauma. I love my partner but I am not attracted to my partner.

These explanations make sense if you think sexual desire is mixing the right chemicals between two people. Sexual arousal can and does feel like a magical power that comes over you.

We tend to rely on this magic, the feeling sexual energy in our body, to know when we want sex. When you think of or see someone and your body sparks with sexual energy, you think “I want to have sex with them” and are ready to have sex. This is a normal response of a human body. And it feels great.

Words like spontaneity, sexual chemistry, and attraction offer stories that we use as roadmaps for how sex should work.

I offer another idea, a more aware and proactive approach to entering desire to be sexual with someone.

No matter how sad things seem in the sex department, your future sex life will improve if you bridge the gap in the connection of knowing each other.

I call it the “Knowing Habit.”

Most of us won’t fall in love or be motivated to partner with someone unless they spark sexual desire in us.

This is normal.

When we are dating or when we commit to someone, we use the sexual desire that we feel in our body to reassure us that we can love and commit to our partner.

Yet, this sexual desire reassurance doesn’t help when you are with a partner for some time and you realize they aren’t enthusiastic about sex with you (or you with them). Clouds of doubt and disappointment can move over you as you begin to question your ability to be happy and love them. Where has the magic gone?

Love is an important bond of commitment. Every time you say I love you to someone and they answer “I love you too” you are affirming “We are committed to each other.” This is a nice and reassuring ritual. Yet, love can’t solve thoughts of lack of attraction.

Committed love is not enough to support sexual desire or insure a vibrant sex drive.

There is something more dependable than sexual desire that is based on the spontaneous response your body has. You don’t need to rely on this magic to either work or not work.

You can custom build your sexual desire to dependably show up when you are ready for it.

If you take this new path with your partner, it will help you choose, want, enjoy and pursue sex with your person for a long term and well used sex life.

The something you do besides waiting to see if your body desires sex is to know and be known. You can practice the “Knowing Habit”.

Knowing means that you use your curiosity to understand and be with your partner in real time.

You ask them questions about them and all their life experiences in and out of bed. You actively accept and embrace their answers with follow up questions. This is a practice of moving in to acceptance in real time. Of finding the likable and enjoyable parts even in the differences between you.

This is a “whole person” understanding and presence you practice together.

It is not “what are your sexual fantasy’s or what turns you on sexually?” Although those questions have value too—at the right time.

You work to accept your partner, like and enjoy them. This includes speaking up with your experience of them and problem solving with them to improve your experience when you are with them.

You make spending time with them a top priority.

The Knowing Habit between two people is a two-way street. Being known requires you to practice knowing yourself so that you can help with the process of your partner knowing you. You must represent your side of the partnership by speaking about your own experiences.

Sexual desire, chemistry and love can’t give you knowing. And there are no shortcuts. You can’t fake it, at least not very long. Being known and knowing takes practice and focused time. The work of more fully seeing and knowing is never done.

That includes you; even if you think you are good in the sex department and are proud that sex is very important to you. Sex alone cannot sustain a connection if you don’t really practice knowing each other.

In a committed relationship, not feeling seen and known will erode your desire for sex with your partner. Possibly down to nothing. Anything that makes us feel unseen, unaccepted, unliked and not a priority erodes sexual desire. Including if it comes from our own mind.

To be extra clear, this knowing goes way beyond asking someone what they like sexually and what turns them on.

Having sexual desire and love for a person does not mean that you “see” or “get” the person. It doesn’t mean that you like the person, or that deeply connecting with that person is important—a top priority to you.

Knowing someone is shown by how you move, touch and look at your partner. It is shown by paying attention to them. Your gaze, your focus, how you talk to and are curious about them and their day-to-day life. Your body language, facial expressions, and how you spend your time will give you away. Your consistency or lack thereof is a message.

How you look at your partner or stare off into space or at your phone will show if you like the person. How much time you set aside (not just convenience) and spend in proximity to the person will show their priority to you.

Yes, our world and our phones are constantly pulling at our attention. Yes, our collective understanding of neurodivergence is growing. It is challenging for each of us to feel seen, known, liked and accepted and for us to actively return the gift.

We start with ourselves by being aware of our inner life, intentionally putting our attention to observing our habits and experiences. We study what is true pleasure to us. We build and choose pleasure in our day to day lives. Then we practice this attention to know our partners and we invite our partners to understand that this is what we want— to be clear eyed about ourselves and the partnership. We invite our partner to this mutual knowing, to find mutual pleasures in life, this connection.

There are no sustainable short cuts to two people knowing each other. We practice by checking in about what your partner is experiencing. Humans subjective experience is usually changing in some way. To know someone, you believe them when they tell you something and remember what they said. To know someone, you accept where they are even if you would like to see something different. This knowing and quest to understand kind of connection will reward you if you make it a priority.

Focused time together is how you begin and practice. Bring your curiosity to see each other, to track the inevitable changes, understand what you don’t understand. Take time and effort to show your partner the real you. Explore “true” pleasure together*. Focused time to understand and walk through these knowings is what most of us don’t attend to.

Without this focus—this knowing connection, a sex life with another person is left to depend on sex drive that feels like magical chemistry and externally triggered sparks to our passion. We approach sex waiting to be desired and waiting to be turned on.

“I love you’s” are not enough to feed the flow of knowing each other.

Sexual chemistry does not sustain sex life flow, support true pleasure or bridge the knowing gap.

This kind of knowing connection takes mutual and equal intention to understand each other, to like each other, and to protect and take time to engage each other on a consistent, priority and pleasurable basis.

The way to a happy sex life is to bridge the normal and constantly changing gap of knowing between you and your partner. The “Knowing Habit”.

Time is too precious of a resource to wait for magic.

*True pleasure is joy in the body, enjoyment of the moment, relaxing in our “humaness” and with another person. I don’t use it as a euphemism for sexual energy or activity.

For more ideas on ways to practice the “Knowing Habit” and “Proactive Desire” see my book.