A few weeks ago, I talked about how the conversations we find ourselves replaying are the ones where we did not say what we wanted to say.
Those conversations tend to be the ones where we froze in the moment, where the ideas that were no clear to us minutes before suddenly disappear, and we’re left speechless or grasping for words.
When we replay those conversations, crystal-clear explanations or retorts materialize and we can berate ourselves with questions like “why didn’t I just say THIS instead” or “why would I have ever responding that way?!”
You can read that article here, if you missed it:
As I explained in that article, we usually have all the information we need in those moments.
This is because, when we feel that we’ve been put on the spot or are in a tense situation, we easily disconnect from the situation and ourselves and our focus moves instead to
protecting ourselves from embarrassment or confrontation or whatever “danger” our mind perceives to be present.
So, contrary to what you might have once thought, the answer is not to develop better communication skills. Rather, it’s about learning to stay present and connected to ourselves long enough that we can access the message we want to convey.
Let me introduce you to a simple approach for doing that.
As is so often the case, the first step is arguably the most difficult.
It requires recognizing when our focus has shifted to survival mode and pulling it back from there.
This is difficult because of what I mentioned above and in the prior article: when we’re in survival mode, we’re not thinking about much aside from protecting ourselves.
Ideally, the earlier we do this, the better, but anytime we notice we are in self-preservation mode is a good thing. In fact, it’s a big win. So, know that we can never be “too late” with this.
If you are in a conversation and can feel your inner tension is rising or are aware that:
you are struggling with what to say,
you are feeling panicked about how it’s going,
you are lost for words,
you are feeling frustrated, anxious, discouraged, etc.,
your thoughts are circling negative ideas about yourself, like you are not smart enough or you are blowing it,
your thoughts are focused on negative ideas about the other person, like they don’t respect you, they are not listening,
Well done!
The next step is to then do something about what you’ve noticed. This also isn’t easy but the instructions here are a little more direct!
This might seem counterintuitive but trying to ignore this or tamp it down will not work. Say “hi” to whatever you have detected, without judgment or annoyance… these are merely natural responses to an activated nervous system.
Here are examples:
If you are standing, notice what your feet feel like on the floor.
If you are sitting, pay attention to where your body makes contact with the chair.
Focus on the act and sensations of breathing in and out.
Concentrate on the other person’s face while they are speaking, noticing how their mouth moves, the shape of their eyes, etc. (Don’t be weird about this and stare super intently! Just notice these things for a moment.)
See what you can hear beyond the other person’s voice.
Whenever we shift our focus to our senses, it can communicate to our nervous system that we are safe.
So, by taking even a few seconds to focus on our body or what we can see or hear or how our breath feels, we not only send positive signals to our nervous system, which in turn helps it calm down a bit, but we also remove our focus from unhelpful thoughts like “why can’t I think of what to say!?”, thereby interrupting the downward spiral of negative thoughts.
While shifting your awareness to your body or senses for even a few moments can indeed make a difference to your nervous system, spending mere seconds doing so will not necessarily completely regulate it. So, don’t do this for 2 seconds and expect to be instantly back to “normal”. But it does make a difference!
As you proceed through the rest of the conversation, see if you can remain at least partially aware of your body or senses.
This will help keep you more grounded and prevent your thoughts from getting away from you again and sending your nervous system right back into fight-or-flight.
Finally, you do need to continue the conversation. Otherwise, the person or people you are speaking with would probably find it weird if you stood there, with glazed over eyes, while you focused on the sounds you could hear or the shadows on the wall!
The first thing to know here is that, if you shifted your focus to your senses for a moment, but still cannot think of what to say,
I know it can feel weird but it isn’t. People do this all the time. I have personally done this in one-to-one Clarity Sessions with clients, in meetings with prospective clients, and even during keynotes, from time to time.
We tend to view this kind of pause as being a bad thing, a sign that we don’t have our stuff together, but here’s a little hack:
It creates space for them to process their thoughts, too. Given the onslaught of information we are all processing almost all the time, this is a very welcome opportunity.
During the pause, do a few things:
First, take another deep breath or focus on your senses for another moment. Don’t think about what they are thinking, don’t let yourself focus on thoughts of “this is weird”. Just do it.
Then, if you are seated or have access to a piece of paper and pen or pencil (which I always recommend having nearby), jot down a few ideas for what you want to say next, in bullet form. If you can’t write anything down, go through your talking points mentally.
Then, take another breath, and proceed with the conversation, starting with the ideas you jotted down or made mental note of.
You may have to do the notice - shift - proceed process more than once during a conversation.
That’s okay.
Remember, the key here is to take concrete steps to regulate your nervous system enough that it allows for your thoughts to emerge during the conversation.
What I’ve shared above is for interactions that might have slightly higher stakes or where we are slightly more enthusiastic or emotionally invested or triggered.
However, we sometimes find ourselves in much more emotionally charged situations. At those times, our nervous system might be so heavily activated that a few seconds of body awareness won’t be enough.
Sometimes it’s not only okay but advisable to pause a conversation entirely and come back to it later, if that’s an option.
You will have to be the judge of when this might be needed but please know that it is okay to step away from and then return to certain conversations.
Yes, it entails awareness and the courage and compassion needed to see ourselves for how we really are.
But it also requires ownership and action.
It isn’t enough to merely notice.
Most of what I share is simple. Nothing is “rocket science”.
Yet, things can be simple but not easy.
All this inner work stuff, including what I talked about in this article, pretty much falls into that simple-but-not-easy category.
It’s simple to understand but not all that easy to implement because we’re human.
We have blind spots and biases and bad habits and quirks and all kinds of things that can make it difficult to shake up the status quo.
This doesn’t mean that implementing this is impossible.
However, it does mean that we have to be compassionate with ourselves when trying to change or implement new approaches or ideas.
Reading an article like this one is not enough to confidently say you have got something.
You may remember to do the notice – shift – proceed technique once. Then you might forget for the next 30 conversations before remembering to try it again before forgetting again and so on.
It’s up and down and, hopefully, the overall trend is in the right direction.
That’s what we are aiming for. We aren’t aiming for perfection.
It’s believing you can do something and pushing yourself to try and keep going… but it’s also being kind to yourself along the way and
recognizing that imperfection is inherent in the process of growth.
So, please please please be kind to yourself as you work on implementing any inner work stuff.
Learn along the way but don’t beat yourself up for not getting it right every single time.
If you feel like it, let me know how the notice - shift - proceed approach works for you! I always love hearing from you.
Warmly,
Clarity Sessions are private professional development sessions where we can talk through challenges or aspirations, big or small, and figure out concrete steps for moving forward together. Want to learn more? Respond to this email or check out the Clarity Sessions page on my website. (Also, keep your eye out for opportunities to enter into draws for a free Clarity Session, which I do regularly via my newsletter.)
I also talk about effective communication in my corporate workshops. If you want to help your team get better at really communicating, drop me a line. I’d love to talk about it.
If you found this article to be helpful and want to support my writing, you can “buy me a coffee” here. It’s never expected but it is always appreciated. Thank you!
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