"Procurement Officer Shane Hollander" Is An Absolute GEM of a FIND!!!

What if you started reading Tender with absolutely no knowledge of the HR universe and simply thought it was an 18K word story about two equally-but-differently-damaged hot guys who overcome their differences and — spoiler! — fall in love? Already knowing how the characters look, speak, and whimper certainly enriches the experience, but it isn’t necessary.

Tender is told in vignettes that span about a year in the life of Ilya Rozanov: retired hockey player turned directionless volunteer coach/unlikely government contractor, and Shane Hollander: creator of microsites, spreadsheets and other rote minutia that he takes just as seriously as he takes commuting by bicycle.

I (Emily) appreciate that bysine gets us through the exposition that serves this setup quickly and painlessly. “The short version was that the charity that he'd worked with pre-retirement to promote access to hockey for children had undergone one too many governance scandals, and when the province had decided to take over its functions, Ilya had been asked if he'd wanted to continue. Freshly retired and directionless, he'd signed a contract and now had an Access Sport Ontario .ca email address and a nebulous title that made no sense.” The thorn in Ilya’s side at this goofy job is someone named Shane Hollander, who has created forms with footnotes that have their own footnotes, and who answers questions by emailing links to said forms. The highlight of Ilya’s day is watching a beautiful guy lock up his bike outside the Second Cup where he’s receiving these maddening emails. Surprise! These turn out to be the same person.

“I didn’t know it was you,” said Ilya. “I thought it was two separate people: Shane Hollander, architect of my suffering; and pretty cyclist from the coffee shop who should maybe really lock his bike.”

“Shit, fuck —” said Shane Hollander, suddenly reminded of the bike that he had recklessly left unsecured in favour of marching in to upbraid Ilya about contract splitting. When he ducked outside, Ilya followed him.

The pleasure of reading this story is all in its details, and also in its economy; the author sprints effortlessly through what could have been boring exposition, then lets other moments bloom into full-fledged scenes carried by note-perfect, often hilarious dialogue.

Shane was looking at Ilya with a very particular expression on his face, the same bright-eyed sort-of-smile he’d had when he’d inspected the trunk mount bike rack on Ilya’s car, or when Ilya had pulled out his brand-new Presto card and announced that he’d ridden the 97C that morning. It made Ilya feel very warm. It made Ilya beam back like a lunatic.

Then Shane put his hand on Ilya’s chest and asked, seriously: “Do you also think the March of Progress was one monkey that slowly stood up straighter as it walked and grew taller and turned into a man? Like a. Like a fucking Animorphs cover.”

Ilya took Shane’s hand and held it. “I do not know what Animorphs is,” he said solemnly. “But if I was that monkey and saw an ass like yours I would straighten right up.”

There is sex, of course, and it’s somehow exquisitely hot in spite of never being written-through.

Ilya hadn't specifically set out to hook up with Shane on a semi-regular basis — he was, historically, perfectly capable of loving them and leaving them. But the return to office directive and Shane's unrelenting all-weather bike-and-coffee morning routine meant that he remained top of mind for Ilya. That, and the fact that every now and again Ilya would remember that one particular sound he'd made as Ilya had sunk into him, a delicious groan-slash-whimper that had activated some heretofore dormant part of Ilya's brain, and Ilya would find himself overcome with the same powerful lizard horniness that had undoubtedly compelled the first primordial fish to crawl onto land.

There’s probably lesson here for aspiring smut writers like myself in this kind of “Victiorian-ly showing an ankle” style. (I will probably continue to ignore it in favor of showing hole, but the lesson is here nonetheless.) There is also one line about bear rescue YouTube videos that makes me crack up every time I even think about it. I would recommend this fic to anyone, and even maybe to my friends who are not infected with the HR disease. I’m going to send it to them and find out if it holds up!