Miracle-Groper

Donald Trump gave the media a little tour around the White House to show off some of his projects. There's a brand-new trade war with Canada, an actual war with Iran, a recession, and Republicans are about to lose the House and, quite possibly, the Senate, but what else does Donald Trump have to do that would distract him from giving the media a tour of some of his pet projects?

One of those projects is the new helipad on the South Lawn, about where that big giant claw contraption-looking thingy went for the UFC fight on his birthday. And around this helipad is a lot of grass because it is the South Lawn. While showing off the helipad and grass, Donald Trump told us the grass is “very happy.”

Trump said, "You know, grass has a life like humans have a life. This has all been redone, it's all been topsoiled… Lot of good ingredients. If you're grass, you're very happy. This grass will look so beautiful."

In another life, Donald Trump was a science teacher. Trump should know a lot about grass because he's been driving golf carts on top of the stuff for decades.

He then gave a shoutout to Scotts, which is a company that makes grass seed and fertilizer, something else that Donald Trump makes. He said that Scotts donated the grass free of charge; it was a “great company,” and that “somebody” had told him Scotts was the “biggest grass company in the world,” which he found pretty impressive. Trump also fessed up to the fact that Scotts donated to his 2024 campaign, which he said the media would have a field day with if he didn’t admit to it.

“They actually contributed to my campaign, I must be honest,” Trump said. “You’ll figure that one out.”

He acted as though they were a great company because they contributed to his campaign. You would think that that would actually hurt them, as Americans can blame them for what Donald Trump is doing to this country. Fuck you, Scotts and Elon.

Trump was talking about how horrible the South Lawn looked until Scotts donated about a million bucks worth of free grass. I have been walking by the South Lawn for years, and it never occurred to me that we need a corrupt grass company to save it. Trump neglected to mention that the South Lawn looked horrible because the giant UFC claw fucked it up. This is like Donald Trump giving himself credit for ending a war he started, and he hasn't even done that yet.

In thanking the grass fuckers, Trump said, “It was given, free of charge, by Scotts Miracle-Gro. They actually contributed to my campaign. So I wanna thank Scotts Miracle-Gro.” Now, thousands of klansman are reseeding their front lawns with Scotts Miracle-Gro. In case you missed it, that was Scotts Miracle-Gro.

Yes, the president of the United States did an infomercial for a grass corporation on the South Lawn. I am pretty sure that was illegal, but it's not like anybody's gonna do anything about it. Quick! Call the Justice Department! Todd Blanche will get right on this. What was that? Todd is too busy reseeding his front lawn?

At least we know who's happy during Trump 2.0: racists and grass.

There are 73 days left until the midterms.

Creative note: I wrote this idea a couple of days ago, and yesterday, I gave up on it. But this morning, I gave it a second look and decided to do it. If you watch the video, you will see that I was bored with just drawing grass on top of Trump's head, and it grew, no pun intended. I did not know that it was going to become what it became, but I am pretty happy with it.

Drawn in 30 seconds:

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