Getting to Know Grief

After my recent post on grief, I’ve been thinking about how I would help someone get acquainted with grief. It’s probably the teacher in me, wanting to be able to translate something and bring clarity.

Every time I prep a sermon for church, I spend time thinking about the kinds of words I use. When possible, I want to use words that make sense anywhere and at all times, not just to ‘church people.’ Language matters and the way we describe things matters.

So when it comes to emotions and processes related to emotions, I know that there are people out there who are not built with quick access to them or who are exhausted by the language surrounding them. And they’re not wrong or bad for that. Someone like my husband, for example, expresses that he wishes he knew exactly how to grieve because he’d do it and get it done! Unfortunately, grief is not a task to complete. And it can surface at any moment and in many various ways.

But honestly, I think we want it this way. As difficult and inconvenient as it is to be caught off guard by tears or rage at the simplest thing, it is a grace to us. We wouldn’t want to nor could we handle being hit with the weight of the collective grief of something that has happened to us. We cannot smash all of the grief of one loss into one mass and try to swallow it down. Our bodies could not absorb that kind of intensity. The gradual and layered nature of grief is actually a gift to us, even though it may not feel that way in the moment.

I’ve been thinking about these recent years of getting to know grief. These are some things I’ve found that help slowly prepare the ground and make space for grief to show itself.

1. Pace
   Notice it. Add in slowness where you can. Rest. Sit and stare. Be outside. Take deep breaths. Build things like this into your week. Change your pace enough so that you become someone who starts to pay attention to life. Slowing our pace, even just one click, is a defrost to our souls. It is a tending to the soil and preparing the way for feelings to come.
   

2. Kindness
   I’m talking about kindness toward yourself. Notice your self-talk. Are you harsh to your own self? Can you offer grace? Can you be nice to yourself? Could you imagine being kind to yourself like you would to a younger version of you? Or if you can’t, think of a little boy or girl that you know in real life. Could you talk to that little child the way you talk to yourself? Loving ourselves, being thankful for the creation that we are, and stewarding the minds, bodies, and hearts we’ve been given is good thing. Be kind.
   

3. Make a List
   You can start with a list of losses — things, people, experiences, dreams, or parts of yourself that are gone or are no longer the way that they used to be. Maybe making a list of “losses” doesn’t connect. Okay, then make a list of hard or sad things that have happened in your life. You don’t have to overthink it. Whatever comes to your brain gets to be on the list. It doesn’t have to be compared to someone else’s hard thing. Maybe the list alone takes weeks or months. That’s okay.
   

4. Write
   Now that you’ve named it, you can write. Pick one story and write it. Writing is good because it slows us down and it involves our bodies in the process of telling the story. This is not school; it is for you. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It’s your telling of the story. You don’t have to know if something is capital T True in order for it to at least be lowercase t true for your writing of the story. You don’t have to consider how everyone else felt in the narrative. Write what happened to you and your experience of it. Give yourself lots of permission here. Don’t edit yourself as you go. Just write. Most of the time I don’t know what I think or feel until I write it out.
   

5. Talk to Someone
   If you don’t have one already, find a counselor. Or maybe a spiritual director is more accessible. Or if neither of those are possible, find a trusted friend. Talk about these stories. Read the story to your friend. “Hey, I recently wrote out a specific story from my life and I’m needing some space to share it with someone. Would you be willing to listen to it?” We heal in community with others. We heal when someone sits across from us and responds to our story with tears or injustice or shock or wordlessness. People reflect back the truth to us that this memory or thing that has happened has been difficult and it has shaped us.

All of our experiences are so unique and personalized so I won’t pretend that this list is the perfect formula for all of us. I just know that these things have been helpful for me.

The amazing thing about being a human and having feelings is that we can get to know these feelings better. We are not stuck where we are! We start to recognize them sooner, find where they land in our bodies, and practice the things that help us allow them and move through them. You can become acquainted with your feelings the way that you became acquainted with someone who you now consider a best friend. Give it time, attention, and intention. You see the slight shift of a look in your best friend’s eyes and you know exactly what she’s thinking. But at first, you don’t know her like this. It takes time. Grief takes time to get to know. But she is worth it.