The Queen’s Bounties, Episode 2: A Flock of Fools

Last week, I again had the privilege of DMing (Dungeon Master-ing) a group of friends in our campaign titled The Queen’s Bounties. And I have again written out our session like a novel for your enjoyment. If you have not yet read the opening act, I encourage you to do so before diving into this one. You can read the first episode here: Episode 1: Robert the Strong.

Again, a quick disclaimer: this is not professionally edited or polished and will read like a first draft (because it is). It’s just for fun. Enjoy!

When we last left our fellowship of bounty hunters, they had just been rescued from an attacking horde of orcs by none other than the man whose name was etched on their bounty letter. What will they do in the face of such an obvious plot device? Will they see where the story goes, or follow their own ambitions?

“I am Robert the Strong,” he said, clenching his squared jaw so hard it made the muscles under his cheeks writhe like snakes.

Knightly Professor Griswold raised his hand in salutation and said, “Well met, fellow traveler. What brings you to this part of the empire?”

“Do you not recognize his name?” Lady Karina of Grunel growled at Griswold through gritted teeth and under her breath.

Griswold answered her without lowering his volume, saying, “I do not. Do you?”

“It seems at least one of you recognizes me,” Robert said, his eyes on Lady Karina.

She flitted back a strand of hair hanging over her face and averted her eyes, but then looked back up at him with a side glance. During her upbringing as a nobleman’s daughter, she had been made to learn the names and stories of all the empire’s noble houses, and she knew Robert well. He hailed from an ancient, powerful, and very rich family, and she was not about to let him slip through her fingers if she could. Bounty be damned. “It is my honor to meet you, Lord Robert. Your reputation—and good looks—precede you.”

“Is she fawning over this noble cuckold?” Hiss-teria hissed.

A silence fell over them, but the glances shared between Robert and Lady Karina spoke volumes.

“Lady Karen is a noblewoman,” Griswold exclaimed.

“It’s KARINA,” she growled at him.

“Is she? I do not recognize you, nor your name,” Robert said.

“I am Lady Karina of Grunel,” she said with a curtsey.

Robert crossed his arms and stroked his chin. “Grunel…Grunel…Grunel…ah, yes, I believe I have heard of it, though I have never been there.”

Lady Karina blushed, her knees bent inward, and she let out an awkward, donkey-like chuckle. “You are too modest, Robert.”

Hard Pard the Bard leaned into Hiss-Teria’s ear and whispered, “What in the nine celestial realms is happening?”

Hiss-Teria giggled, which drew Robert’s attention. Dwarfzilla took two steps forward, his hands wrapped around his axe as if the battle had not yet ended. Belenos smirked and turned his giant goat around so that it could drink from a nearby trough.

“What were you all doing here, anyway, outside the citadel’s walls?” Robert asked.

“Nothing, my lord,” Hard Pard said. “We were merely passing through.”

Robert appeared to believe him, but then Griswold raised the bounty parchment and said, “We were just on our way to earn this bounty.”

“Bounty? Whose name?” Robert asked.

Hard Pard tried again to deceive him by saying, “Some other lord, in some other province; you need not concern yourself with it.”

But again, Griswold shattered the deception by saying, “Some fellow named Robert. Perhaps you know him?”

Hard Pard sank his face into his hands and grumbled a few inaudible words. Robert waved over Griswold, using his hand to beckon him to turn over the bounty. All members of the fellowship—including Mr. Fish, who, technically speaking, does not breathe—held their breath. As Robert read the parchment, his hand began to tremble. His knuckles turned white; his eyes darkened. And with a whisper of magic, the parchment burst into flames and ash. He wiped his hands on his surcoat and scowled.

“The hour grows late, and the plight of our people dire,” he began. “Dark are these tidings, when the queen would seek to rid herself of the one man holding her empire together.”

“This was unexpected news?” Hiss-Teria asked.

Robert looked daggers at her, and she recoiled. He adjusted his maille with a quick tug at the fringes and said, “Wholly unexpected.”

He looked to the sky for a moment, watching a small group of a dozen oblong clouds passing through an otherwise clear blue afternoon sky. Everyone else watched him. They dared not speak, for they knew a man with as much prowess as he, joined by his companions, would make quick work of them if he chose that path. And as quickly as he had turned dark, a smile returned to his face, and there was a twinkle in his eye.

“Say, you fashion yourselves adventurers, do you?” he asked the fellowship.

“Why yes,” Griswold said immediately. “I left everything behind for this life of adventure with Mr. Fish, my scribe. I have longed for a life of excitement, and one that would earn me an immortal place in the history books.”

Before anyone could say anything else, Robert added, “Then I may have a job for you.”

“What’s in it for us?” Hiss-Teria asked. “The queen promised us one million gold crowns. What can you pay us?”

“My dear kitty,” Robert said. She bared her teeth at him for how he had addressed her. “The queen does not have one million crowns to offer each of you. Nor do I. But here is what I can offer you: a chance to live. You see, the only reason the Umooryads have not yet invaded us is that I am still alive and fighting. If I die, they will attack and obliterate all life in our empire, as they did in the elvish lands to the east. That includes you. If you help me with the task I have in mind for you, you may yet have the chance to live and fight another day.”

Hard Pard chimed in, “Surely you would part with some gold to help us on this quest. We can’t do it for free.”

Robert smiled at him. “My friend Belenos here is a prince, and can compensate you with five hundred gold each to prepare you for your journey.”

Hiss-Teria’s eyes narrowed with malice. “And you’ll promise to wed Lady Karina.”

Robert choked on his own spit. “What?”

Lady Karina, too, stood shocked, with her mouth agape.

“The two of you are unmarried; you’re both nobles; and if you are betrothed, then we’ll have a guarantee that you’re not sending us to die,” she said.

Hard Pard opened his mouth to speak, as if he had some aspect of the proposal he wanted to protest, but before any sound left his tongue, Robert replied, “Accepted.”

Lady Karina stood aback. “Really?”

“Forgive me, my lady. I did not mean to surprise you. I have been so preoccupied with defending our shores from marauding orcs that I had abandoned seeking a bride, and it seems the gods have seen fit to place you before me here. I did not expect to rescue such a beauty when we chased this warband downriver to Commequiers. And besides, your friend is right. You do need a guarantee.”

Lady Karina reached underneath her armor and tugged at a corner of her undershirt. She pulled and groaned and pulled again, and soon resorted to drawing the knife on her belt to help her cut the fabric. She produced a triangular-ish slice of linen and waved it in front of Robert. He stepped closer to her, took the garment, and held it to his nose.

“I accept this token of your favor, milady. When we have rid this land of the rot that infests it, we shall be married.”

“This is so flipping weird,” Hard Pard whispered to Hiss-Teria.

Hard Pard cleared his throat and said, “With respect, my lord, I believe I speak for us all when I say we appear to have no choice but to set out on this errand for you. What would you have us do?”

Robert turned to the bard and said, “Excellent question.”

He made his way to a table at one of the abandoned market stands, produced a scroll from underneath his overcoat, and opened it for all to see. It was a map.

“This is our realm. We are here in Commequiers. I cannot leave the coast, for we are threatened by orcs, and I fear that if I leave, they will overrun us. Therefore, I would ask you to travel to Bards Mard, which is here, in the far north of the former elvish realm, to find an old friend who has in his possession the ability to uncover a truth so profound that it would destroy the queen’s legitimacy and remove her from power.”

“Won’t that cause more wars?” Griswold asked.

“Not if we can restore the emperor’s sons,” Robert said.

“Do you know where they are?” Lady Karina asked.

“No. But if the queen’s removal becomes known, they will resurface.”

“Who are we looking for in Bards Mard?” Hiss-Teria asked.

Robert reached into a pouch on his belt and pulled from it a yellow crystal that hummed in the sunlight. “His name is Agathea the Wise, and you will find him with this magical Crystal, which I will entrust to my ally Dwarfzilla. He will accompany you.”

“Agathea? Isn’t that a woman’s name?” Hard Pard asked.

“It can be both,” Robert insisted.

“No, I think it’s a woman’s name,” Hard Pard continued.

Hiss-Teria jabbed him in the side with her elbow, hissing, “Leave it alone. I just want to get out of here alive.”

Hard Pard put on a grin and crossed his arms. His playfulness earned him another side-eye from his companion. Robert ignored them both and pointed at his map to say, “I believe your speediest path will be to travel on foot to Nicophoros here and hire a ship to sail you to the Taurad Echor River.”

“We will need a boat,” Hard Pard said.

Robert chuckled and said, “I can spare none. And besides, the road to Masilla will get you there far faster than taking the river to the source and portaging to the next.”

“I disagree. Moving by water is always faster,” Hard Pard insisted.

Robert let out a long outbreath through his nose and said, “I will give you a river barge, then.”

They shook hands, as if the bard had taken control of the fellowship, and Robert and Belenos split off to return to their ship.

Fair weather followed our fellowship for the rest of the afternoon, as Dwarfzilla worked the sculling oar with his thick, powerful arms, driving the barge forward. The others rested and recouped after their harrowing battle, repairing their damaged gear and tending their wounds, even if they were healed. None spoke for the longest of times, and none seemed bothered by it; until, that is, Griswold broke that silence.

“Lady Karina, I must ask: how is it that a lady such as you came to be a bounty hunter?” he asked.

Lady Karina stood, put a foot on the gunwale, and rested her arms on her knee as she looked out over the riverbank. It was a wide river, perhaps fifty yards in breadth, and deep enough in the middle so as to not see the bottom. The water was smooth, and there were few rocks, except near the shore. Up the bank, a thick forest of pine, ash, and aspen formed a wall that reached for the clear blue heavens and was dotted with the majestic forms of eagles, hawks, and ravens circling the canopy.

“It’s a complicated matter. And one that will take time to explain,” she said.

“We have time,” Griswold said.

She turned her head slowly to glare at him with narrow eyes. “I was made the executor of my father’s estate and charged with finding good wives for my two younger brothers. But bride prices have gone through the roof since the anarchy began, and because my father left me a bankrupt estate, I’ve had to resort to other means to make an income.”

“It strikes me as odd that you would be put in charge of coughing up a bride price for your brothers to marry,” Hiss-Teria said.

“Not ideal, but here we are,” Lady Karina said. “What about you, Knighly Professor, what drove you to this life, really?”

Griswold slapped his knee and bounded to his feet. “That, my dear, is a story for another time. I’m famished. What food do we have?”

“Travel rations,” Hard Pard said.

“Did no one think to gather supplies in the abandoned market before we left?” Griswold asked.

The others stared at him blankly, but Dwarfzilla chimed in with his low, gravelly voice, “Nope.”

“Fear not, then, my friends, for I am an expert fisherman,” Griswold continued.

He cast a spell in the water, making it turn perfectly clear so they could see all the fish. He then aimed a spear at the water and hurled it down with all his might. It made a mighty splash, but did not strike a single fish. He also lost the spear, as he had forgotten to tether it to himself or the barge.

“That did not go as expected,” he said.

Hiss-Teria glanced over the gunwale, and her feline eyes opened wide. She sent a flash of a paw into the water and snatched a fish with a smooth stroke. The fish flopped for its life on the deck. Mr. Fish looked as none too pleased as a fish can look, and he slipped further into his bag. Hard Pard took the initiative to clean the fish, tossing its guts into the clear water, which attracted more, bigger fish.

Not to be outdone, Lady Karina searched the barge for supplies and found a lure with a line, but no pole. She snatched a small piece of fish intestine to bait her hook and sent it into the water. However, she had not thought about how the crystal-clear water meant that the fish would not bite. Still, she persisted and waited.

As Hiss-Teria filled the deck with more and more fish, Griswold’s jealousy got the better of him. He decided to cast another spell to create a vortex in the water that funneled the fish toward the boat. His action caused the barge to stop dead in the water, much to Dwarfzilla’s dismay. He lowered his rapier into the water at the bottom of the vortex, and to his delight, three fish skewered themselves on it.

“Success!” he exclaimed as her raised his rapier in the air to show his catch. The fish writhed over the blade. “And behold how I can cook them with the same ease!”

Griswold curled in the fingers of his right hand, summoned a fire bolt spell, and shot a small ball of fire at his fish. Except he missed. And the ball of fire flew past his catch and into the forest above the riverbank. He did not notice that the fire started spreading.

“Knightly professor, you should be more careful. It’s been a dry summer,” Hard Pard said.

“Oh, don’t worry, I won’t miss again,” Griswold said.

He summoned another fire bolt spell, and again, he missed his mark, sending magical flames into the forest’s underbrush. More flames took hold and spread among the low foliage. Black smoke soon rose into the canopy, much to the dismay of the others.

“That won’t get out of hand, will it?” Hiss-Teria asked the bard.

Before he could respond, a gust of wind blew over them—and over the nascent fires. Flames burst forth, some climbing the low branches of the trees and into their crowns, and within moments a forest fire of concerning proportions roared to life. Griswold still ignored the catastrophe he had caused. His eyes remained on his catch, and he prepared another fire bolt spell.

“Knightly professor, with respect, stop what you’re doing,” Lady Karina said more forcefully. “Can you not see what you have done?”

Griswold turned to face her, and instantly caught sight of the blaze. His jaw dropped before he said, “By the gods, where did that come from?”

As the flames consumed more and more of the forest, animals of all kinds ran out from under the canopy and toward the river to save themselves. There were deer, elk, foxes, badgers, bears, wolves, boar, squirrels, rabbits, ferrets, wild cats, and even a few wild horses. The flames coursed across the dry ground after them like a fiery dragon trawling the ground for its breakfast. When they came to the water’s edge, they amassed in a cacophony of panic. They were trapped.

“We caused this,” Hiss-Teria said with alarm. She sank her claws into Hard Pard’s arm. “We must save them!”

The Bard looked down at her with deep, longing eyes, ignorant of the pain he felt, and said, “And save them we shall.” He pointed to Dwarfzilla and said, “Turn us width-wise in the river. And Lady Karina, let’s make use of that rope of yours. We’ll run it from that boulder on the north shore to that other boulder on the south shore, and we’ll use it to ferry animals back and forth.”

Lady Karina nodded and leaped from the gunwale into the shallows, and she tied her first knot around the large boulder the bard had pointed out. Dwarfzilla guided the ship away from her to the other shore, where the Bard pulled the rope taut and tied it off around the boulder on his end. In this way, they could slide the river barge from shore to shore.

As they worked, a group of animals at the front of the mass were pushed into the river and attempted to swim across. But danger lurked beneath the current. Glistening, bulbous eyes drifted along the water’s surface, and when they reached the floundering forest animals, they took on the much more sinister form of a muzzle and jaws. The giant crocodiles that had revealed themselves snatched down on their first prey, rushing into death rolls to pull their catch underwater to drown them.

“Are those crocodiles or alligators?” Griswold asked.

“Who cares?” Dwarfzilla said.

As the barge approached the north shore, Lady Karina ushered animals aboard, but they did not listen to her. Hard Pard noticed her distress, cast a speak with animals spell, and told them all that their fellowship meant to help them escape the fire. His spell worked, and soon the mass of animals moved toward their barge and piled in every which way. The first journey across the river proved successful, and the first group of animals they carried saved themselves by vanishing into the forest to the south.

Dwarfzilla worked the barge back to the north shore again. But this time, they were met with a new animal that did not seem keen on receiving help. Four giant spiders, each as tall as two men and as wide as four, scurried out of the forest with pincers clamping. Lady Karina drew her sword and prepared for a fight.

“Lady Karina is all alone up there,” Hiss-Teria said. “We must help her.”

“And help her we shall…from afar,” Hard Pard said.

The two fired their bows at the spiders, striking the one at the front to slow its approach. It did not seem bothered. However, before the spiders reached Lady Karina, an unexpected ally moved to help her. A pack of wolves, waiting their turn to ride the barge, leaped into action and attacked one of the spiders, biting at its legs and dodging its webby spit. They could not stop all the spiders, but at least Lady Karina was not alone.

Not one to stand still, Lady Karina charged at the spiders. Her sword slashed and stabbed at the first one she met, slicing its thick outer skin. But her attack did not seem to inflict much pain on the beast, and it riposted by hurling a massive ball of webbing over her; she became ensnared and immobilized. Dwarfzilla leaped over the gunwale to her defense and engaged two of the spiders. They gnashed and bit and clamped at him, but their attacks failed to penetrate his leather armor. He pushed them back with great swings of his greatax, managing to hack off at least two legs of theirs, and pressed with all his might to keep them away from Lady Karina.

The thing about webbing, however, is that it is exceptionally flammable. And for Lady Karina, that meant that she was covered in the natural world’s equivalent of lamp oil in the middle of a growing wildfire. This did not bode well for her. And in fact, as her short but mighty—and mightily strange—ally defended her from harm, a spattering of embers floated through the air around her. She blew at one that glided dangerously close to her face, but to no avail. It landed squarely on the webbing, which burst into a sudden, horrific ball of fire.

“Lady Karina!” Hiss-Teria cried out.

As fast as the flames had burst forth, they dissipated, leaving Lady Karina standing there, gasping for breath, with little more than slightly singed eyebrows, but otherwise unscathed. Enraged, she charged at the spider that had immobilized her and struck it with her sword.

Yet none of the spiders were felled. They were much tougher and more alive than the fellowship had expected. Hiss-Teria sprang into action, leaping back across the ship into range of the fight and launching several more arrows from her shortbow, then following them with precise knife-throw sneak attacks that severely wounded their foe. One fell dead from her first attack, another from her second, and a third died from wounds she had inflicted while it attempted to flee. The only spider she did not kill herself was the fourth and last, which was dismembered by the wolfpack.

“You could have started with that,” Lady Karina said to Hiss-Teria.

“Apologies—I sometimes forget my own strengths,” Hiss-Teria said.

“Obviously,” Hard Pard blurted out in awe. “I’ve never seen that from you before!”

With the spiders defeated, the fellowship resumed their efforts to save the animals. However, before they could ferry them all across the river, a tidal wave of water gushed out from the forest, extinguishing the fire in an instant. It was followed by two of the mercenaries they had seen in Commequiers—the Ceran (a stag-man) and the Loxodon (an elephant-man)—who stood over them at the top of the slope.

“Did you c—ts start that fire?” the Loxodon asked (in an Australian accent).

“Us? No,” Lady Karina said, pointing not-so-subtly at Griswold.

“WE didn’t start the fire,” Hiss-Teria added.

Griswold looked around, aloof, and said, “Evidently it was not we who started it.”

Hard Pard pulled his lute over his shoulder and pulled at some of the strings, and sang a tune to the words:

We didn’t start the fire.

It was always burning, since the world’s been turning…

We didn’t start the fire.

“F—kin’ weirdos, them,” the Ceran said to the Loxodon. He then addressed the group: “Be more careful next time, eh? Forest fires are no joke!”

And with that, they returned to whatever quest they had been on before summoning the tidal wave spell to extinguish Griswold’s fire. With the crisis averted, the group found ideal ground on the south shore to make camp, and they settled into the night to rest.