On Not Being Defined by Struggle

Many years ago I started journaling as a way to work through my emotions and rid my mind of certain thought loops without forgetting. I did this privately because I’d accepted the advice that getting attention or making a living from a personal struggle was a trap. This was reinforced by observing how people related to me based on when they met me on my journey. People who knew when I was healthy and working tended to see me a person with problems, while those I met at my worst still keep me at a distance because of the potential burden befriending the sick or poor entails.

Under this pseydonym I’ve become a bit more open about sharing what I’m going through, but I’ve realized that I still hold resistance toward any task that involves communicating my problems or needs. I’d rather physically work to the point of exhaustion than respond to a friendly email. I’d rather burn myself out writing code than write a few paragraphs about how I’m doing. It puts me in an anxious state to discuss myself unless it’s positive news.

I’ve realized that “don’t be a burden” underlines every relationship and interaction I have. For now, I can’t think myself out of this box. I’m going to try writing more about things that have nothing to do with my eczema, poverty, or mental health. I’ll keep that to myself for now with a note to revisit those things later. I have a deep sense of urgency about the things I was focusing on before I was sick. Perhaps my blocks stem from being forced to put those things on the shelf for so long.