The Borderland

In my last article, I talked about how Saturnian boundaries can help people relate in more positive ways. This time I want to dig into who owns - and therefore who sets - those boundaries.

In my previous example, a sovereign nation sets boundaries for visitors. That’s an easy example, because the whole concept of being a sovereign nation is predicated on having the ability to negotiate and enforce the edges of it.

…In other cases things are more complicated.

For example, people often collectively agree on boundaries for their group. In order to be part of the group, you must respect the rules. Not respecting the rules gets you ejected from the group. This can be an informal / unspoken boundary (as common with a friend group) or a more formal one (ethics standards for professions). There’s often a collectivist element to this kind of boundary setting, whether it’s top down (the organizers of thing having a behavioral agreement for participation in that thing) or bottom up (grassroots agreement / enforcement).

What isn’t ok though is attempting to set other people’s boundaries. You can say what you will or will not allow or tolerate - whether individually or collectively - but you cannot decree that for other people. That’s a violation of their sovereignty. That doesn’t mean that people won’t suffer the consequences for crossing others’ boundaries; it does mean that people can set and own their own boundaries.

For example, I had a difficult interaction with someone in my wider social sphere last year. They were aggressive and borderline threatening to me. I wasn’t personally afraid (the interaction happened on the phone) and I think I did a good job of grey rocking and de-escalating and separating emotionally from the situation. And then I made the decision that the person would no longer be allowed in my sphere. They are not welcome on our property, I won’t be going to theirs, and I will not be engaging with them when our paths cross elsewhere.

That’s a boundary that I have set, for myself and for my household. My husband and I are on the same page about this. We both have the right to set boundaries for our household and our negotiations about boundaries are only ever with each other - two sovereign rulers over our own tiniest of kingdoms. The person in question doesn’t have to know about the boundary for it to be in effect either. This isn’t about fomenting drama or causing more conflict. They are simply not invited.

Setting this boundary has brought me a lot of peace of mind, because I feel like I’ve done what I need to do to feel safe and sovereign in my own sphere. I’m not allowing myself to be bullied or yelled at or threatened. But I own that decision and I don’t force it on other people (all the rest of my social group are perfectly welcome to set their own boundaries and decide what they will and will not allow - it’s not my responsibility nor my business).

Last year, I also had a relationship fall apart. I thought things were fine: friendly, polite, kind. Our last text exchange was a swap of love and appreciation (there were heart emojis involved). So imagine my surprise when out of the blue I received a text that said, effectively: I can tell you don’t want a relationship with me, and I’ll respect your decision - k thanks bye!

This is a textbook example of a person setting boundaries for and on behalf of another person. And it frankly kind of sucked. Not because they didn’t want a relationship (I mean, that’s sad, but we’ve been down this same road in the past) but because they were unilaterally deciding that on my behalf. Basically saying “this is what you want, and so I’m respecting that.” Except that wasn’t what I wanted and, in fact, I was having the exact relationship I wanted to have with them already. If that wasn’t good enough for them, that’s their decision, but they don’t get to decide that for me.

Setting boundaries for and on behalf of other people is the dark side of Saturn. It’s paternalistic and encroaching… the greater malefic in action. Not “this is what I will accept / disallow” but “this is what you should or do accept / disallow.”

And you can tell it’s happening because the responses will not feel sovereign and empowering.

In my example, I could respond by fawning (that’s not true! let me prove myself!) fighting (if you don’t want me as I am, bite me!) or fleeing (you must be right about what I feel! I’ll go away now).

What did I do? Well, first I stepped back from the boundary they were trying to erect on my behalf in order to process my own thoughts and feelings. This was inadvertently, but greatly, assisted by them writing about the situation in a public forum, in a way that helped me to see clearly that this was a THEM problem. In fact, they had some pretty unflattering opinions about me and didn’t want a relationship.

But they were unwilling or unable to own that decision and convinced themselves that putting it on me was going to make me somehow feel better (at least that’s what they announced to the whole-ass Internet). Of course it was really all about making themselves feel better - like they could be the good guy and I was the one with the problem.

Of course it didn’t make me feel better to have my boundaries set for me. It felt rude and disempowering to be told what I felt and wanted. Ironically though, the result for them is the same. Because while I DID want a relationship with them I obviously no longer do. Not because they have bad opinions of me (which, hey, they can think whatever - not my business). Not because they don’t want a relationship with me (because they can also decide that). But because they were trying to dictate my own boundaries for me, which is unacceptable.

That’s Saturn in action. She asks you to be really clear: not only on what you will and will not do or tolerate, but also what is in your sovereign sphere and what’s not yours. Because whether you are a person, a sovereign nation, an organization, or a friend group, you can only set and own your own boundaries.