Fear and Self-loathing in Wisconsin

I hate cameras.

This is not exactly true. I have nothing against the equipment. I just hate the part where they take pictures of me. But getting a headshot is part of being an author. You can get away with a cartoon for a while, or maybe a picture of your cat or your favorite anime. But eventually, someone will ask for a photo for a poster or a back flap, and you have to grit your teeth…

I mean, smile.

As you can see, I don’t bring the right attitude to the experience. I smile a lot in real life, but when someone gets out the camera, I default to looking vaguely uncomfortable. When you’re using your face to sell your book, you’re supposed to look open and friendly. Or at least, pensive. Intelligent. Maybe a little daydreamy. You need an expression that says, “I write books. I’m cool. We should totally hang out.”

Since I am the person at the party who wants to sit in the corner and pet the dog, I have some work to do.

And, confession time, I may have a problem with self-esteem.

Back in the early 80’s, when I was in my prime, I developed a medical thing. It took years to get a diagnosis and even more years for me to remember how to spell it. And another ten years or so for enough people to write about it so that it showed up in an internet search.

Blepharochalasis syndrome.

In small words, that means that one of my eyelids used to swell my eye shut, about once a month. Even better, this is an idiopathic syndrome. In small words, that means no one knows what causes it or how to prevent it. It just happens.

For years.

The cure for it is to wait a couple decades until it stops happening and then get plastic surgery to repair the damage to the eyelid, which will get stretched out pouchy enough to obscure your vision.

Eventually, that was what I did. But as a short-term solution, I stopped wearing make-up in my 20’s and avoided mirrors and cameras. When you already have a problem with weight, I do not recommend ignoring your physical appearance and avoiding people because you never know when you might have an ugly day. You will get fatter, not thinner.

And if you are the sort of person that is already good at getting weird syndromes? Maybe you can add lymphedema and lipedema to the swollen eye. They are more fun than regular fat in that they show up in your arms and legs and don’t respond to regular low calorie diets and require restrictive eating, special massages and more plastic surgery.

It is kind of a relief that a publicity headshot is all that is needed. If my photos had to include ankles…

Let’s not go there.

But, today was headshot day. My previous pics were Shopped and filtered out of all reality. I can’t exactly bitch about AI while hiding behind a fake face, so for today’s shoot I kept it real. A little make-up, natural light, and a photographer who shot so fast, she might have even caught a real smile. Quite a trick, since I was approaching this like it was a blood draw and I didn’t want to look at the needle.

Along with the pictures we got to talking, and things got more interesting.

The photographer was local and had been confirmed in my house. She also owns or manages a deconsecrated church of her own, complete with a convent. While she doesn’t have the stained-glass or bell, they left the relic in the altar.

Hard core.

She rents hers out for overnight paranormal investigations.

To anyone who wants to stay over at my place? Sorry, the altar is gone and there are no ghosts. At least, none that have been able to get through to me. But I’m not the sort of person who would notice the supernatural, especially when I am on deadline. The spirits would have to stand directly in front of me and scream really loud. Mysterious noises and pictures falling off the walls get written off as the house settling or the cat being a jerk.

From there, the conversation turned to her work with a group called IDC and experimenting with astral travel.

I feel considerably less proud of myself for taking a train ride to New England, when other people are traveling out of the corporeal realm. But I spend most of my time in an alternate reality anyway. And hearing about her travels definitely took my mind off the camera.

The shoot took less than an hour and I have no idea if I’ll be happy with the results. But that probably says less about pictures and more about me. I think, at 65, it’s time I learn to love myself and stop worrying about it. The photo that will be going up on my website later this week is the real me and the world is going to have to accept it.

And in case you’re wondering, the glasses I’m wearing are shaped like bats, not butterflies. I wear them in at home and in public and not just for pictures to make you buy my books.

But if you happen to want to buy my books?

You could start by following my Kickstarter for YOU DON’T KNOW DRAC.

The art for that will be coming any time now and you’ll see it here first.