I'm Suing Summer

I first brought this to the courts, and to Substack, in 2024. The judge threw out the case, but since this summer has been so malevolent and damaging, I’m refiling.

Plaintiff Christopher Stanton (“Stanton”) appears before this court seeking damages in excess of $1,000,000 from Defendant Summer (“Summer”). Such damages arise out of Summer’s: (1) deliberate infliction of physical harassment and anguish; (2) deliberate infliction of mental harassment and anguish; (3) forcible detainment against Plaintiff’s will; and (4) malicious actions that caused Plaintiff financial loss.

1.    Plaintiff Stanton is an adult human.

2.    Defendant Summer is an earthly season that exists from the summer solstice to the autumnal equinox.

3.    Summer willfully breached its 300,000-year-old contract with humanity by arriving several weeks before the solstice, bullying Spring into ceding its seasonal authority prematurely, and making much of early June an unforgiving hellscape.

4.    Unprepared for the abrupt temperature shift, Stanton was improperly dressed at an outdoor concert, where his perspiration levels raised concerns from venue staff that he was either having a severe medical episode or, somehow, melting. The physical and emotional discomfort were severe, as were the permanent sweat-stains suffered by his favorite khakis.

5.    This surprise attack also prevented Stanton from being armed with sunscreen, resulting in burning as such that his face resembled a platter of steak tartare.

6.    In an egregious abuse of power in June and July, Summer instituted a three-week string of days that neared or exceeded 90 degrees Fahrenheit, with humidity levels over 90 percent.

7.    Upon exiting his home during this period, Stanton was physically assaulted by an unspeakable blast of heat, as if he’d opened a working kiln in a paint-your-own pottery studio. Many times, Stanton’s dog—an avid outdoor walker—refused to leave the porch. The two were forced back into the seclusion of their home against their wills.

8.    In those instances when Stanton did escape the confines of his domicile, it was common for Summer to inflict upon him a raging case of paludem natis (familiarly known as swamp ass). This necessitated numerous unplanned wardrobe changes, resulting in additional loads of laundry and thus increasing Defendant’s water and electricity bills. Furthermore, Plaintiff was compelled to purchase a host of costly salves, balms, and ointments.

9. Due to Summer’s actions, for months Stanton found himself in a nightmarish scenario where touching random surfaces resulted in scalding burns. These included but were not limited to: car door handle; steering wheel; ATM buttons; metal table outside of local restaurant; mailbox (personal); mailbox (public); lamppost; and parking meter.

10. Under the promise of clear blue skies, on two (2) occasions over the course of Summer’s residency, Stanton and his dog were a significant distance from their home when Summer unleashed thunderstorms so harsh and unexpected that Stanton feared he was being smote by his Creator.

11. The exponential rise in intensity of oppressive heat throughout the season has caused a change in public decorum. There was a proliferation of unsightly exposed skin among the citizenry, causing Stanton untold mental distress. These sightings included but were not limited to: gnarled feet; free-range beer bellies; and the hair-dappled tops of intergluteal clefts.

12. The clothes that Summer encouraged are also problematic and have caused demonstrable damage to Stanton’s psyche. Men in sandals. Men in sandals and socks. A veritable tidal wave of so-called “clever,” off-color t-shirts and hats. Jorts. Aloha shirts. It is the Plaintiff’s contention that Summer has cruelly inspired the populace to dress like Sammy Hagar’s pool cleaner.

13. Summer spitefully turned Stanton’s excited attempt to eat an ice cream cone on July 20 into a humiliating farce. With the dessert instantly liquifying and running down his arm and onto his clothing, Defendant robbed the Plaintiff of both the cost of the dessert and his dignity, as nearby children mocked him with menacing glee.

14. To remain hydrated, Stanton was forced daily to consume quantities of water equivalent to the volume of Lake Erie. This led to interrupted sleep due to numerous trips to the bathroom, which resulted in grogginess the next day and reduced capacity to feign interest during Microsoft Teams meetings.

15. As per its custom, Summer arrived with a battalion of biting and stinging insects. From gnats to mosquitoes to wasps and beyond, the damage to Stanton’s skin and emotional state are profound. He makes special note of the time he swallowed a cicada while enjoying a burrito.

I, Christopher Stanton, state that I am the Plaintiff in the foregoing matter and that the facts set forth in the foregoing Complaint are true and correct to the best of my knowledge, information, and belief.