Gumbo Malone was trying to figure out why his boat’s bilge pump was making sounds like a dying walrus when Madame Zelda came strutting down the dock. She wore enough jewelry to stock a pawn shop and a purple turban that looked like it had escaped from a community theater production of Aladdin.
“Detective Malone, I require your services immediately.” Her accent was supposed to be mysterious Eastern European but sounded more like Brooklyn via Tampa.
“It’s just Malone. And I’m not a detective, I’m a—”
“My psychic parrot has been kidnapped.”
Gumbo stopped wrestling with the pump. “Your what now?”
“Nostradamus. He’s an African Grey with genuine supernatural abilities. Worth fifty thousand dollars minimum.”
“Lady, I hate to break it to you, but parrots can’t really—”
“He predicted the lottery numbers for Mrs. Henderson three times running. Warned Mr. Kowalski about his wife’s affair with the mailman. Even told me about the hurricane two weeks before the weather service.” She pulled out a rhinestone-studded tissue and dabbed her eyes. “Without Nostradamus, I’m just another fortune teller with a crystal ball and unpaid rent.”
Gumbo rubbed his forehead. Florida attracted people like a bug zapper attracted moths—bright, loud, and usually fried. “When did you last see the bird?”
“Yesterday morning. I was doing a reading for Mrs. Crawley—she wanted to know if her dead husband approved of her new boyfriend—when someone broke into my trailer. They took Nostradamus but left everything else. Even my grandmother’s crystal ball.”
“Any idea who might want a psychic parrot?”
“Well, there’s my business rival, Madame Cassandra. She runs that tacky palm reading joint near the fish market. Always claimed Nostradamus was a fraud.”
An hour later, Gumbo was standing outside a double-wide trailer painted to look like a gypsy wagon. A hand-lettered sign read “Madame Cassandra: Past, Present, Future Revealed! Also Notary Services.”
Cassandra turned out to be a sixty-something woman in a sequined caftan, with about as much mystical aura as a Walmart greeter. She was sitting on her porch feeding crackers to a gray parrot in a cage.
“That your bird?” Gumbo asked.
“Mr. Bojangles? Had him for years. Sweet as pie, aren’t you, baby?”
The parrot looked at Gumbo and squawked, “Your left shoe’s untied, and you’re gonna get a phone call from a redhead within the hour.”
Gumbo glanced down. His shoe was indeed untied. “Huh.”
“See? Nostradamus—I mean, Mr. Bojangles—he’s very intuitive.”
“You just called him Nostradamus.”
Cassandra’s face went through more color changes than a mood ring. “Did I? Sometimes I get confused. All these psychic birds start to sound alike.”
“Uh-huh. And I suppose it’s just coincidence that Zelda’s bird went missing yesterday and you suddenly have a psychic parrot today?”
“Well, I—”
The parrot interrupted: “She stole me from the crazy lady with the turban! Also, the Cubs are gonna win tonight, and there’s a dead fish under the pier that’s starting to smell real bad!”
Cassandra slumped in her chair. “Dammit, Nostradamus, you’re supposed to be on my side now.”
“The bird’s got loyalty issues,” Gumbo observed.
“Tell me about it. I figured if I could make him my psychic sidekick, I’d corner the supernatural pet market. But he keeps ratting me out to customers. Yesterday he told Mrs. Peterson that I was reading her palm wrong and she was actually gonna live to ninety-three, not die at seventy like I predicted.”
Gumbo’s phone rang. The caller ID showed a number from a salon called “Ruby’s Redhead Heaven.”
Nostradamus ruffled his feathers smugly. “Told you so.”
Twenty minutes later, Gumbo was walking the parrot back to Madame Zelda’s trailer, wondering if he should start charging extra for cases involving supernatural pets. The bird had spent the entire walk correctly predicting which tourists would trip over dock pilings and which pelicans were about to steal someone’s sandwich.
“You know,” Gumbo said to the parrot, “if you’re really psychic, how come you didn’t see the kidnapping coming?”
Nostradamus fixed him with one beady eye. “Same reason you didn’t see that low branch coming.”
Gumbo ducked just in time.
Yes, it’s absurd.
Yes, it’s weird.
Could even be considered by some to be whacky.
But if you’ve ventured beyond the theme parks and sugar sand beaches, then you know, that’s Florida.
I started wrestling with making a little more serious Florida PI novels, because I’m a huge fan of the swamp state.
I mean, sunshine state.
But there are a lot of places where a guy can escape to hide on a boat and trouble is bound to follow.
Lake of the Ozarks.
Guadalupe River in Texas
Big Bear
Salt Lake – I mean, if we wanted to make the Mormon’s pissed, and if you study history at all, a pissed off Mormon hot on your trail isn’t good for anyone
I even thought of Tennessee
because of proximity
Not to me, but Nashville and Black Bears and running shine from KY, crossing state lines which makes it Federal
A real PI type of story, but then I also realized, an ex-lawyer turned accidental PI could make all those cases just to make whiskey sipping money, and the wheels started grinding.
So you may/may not have picked up A PINT OF PROBLEMS from bookfunnel (if you got here with RED TIDE RETIRED, maybe not)
Go grab your copy now, and tell me if you like ol’ Jake.
Next, CLICK SUBSCRIBE on the MYSTERY YOUTUBE CHANNEL so we can find more folks just like you.
And add these to your TBR Pile:
Seahorse Serenad
Under Wraps
Gator Skin
AND
Want 30 books for only $25? (a $75 value!)
Last night was the end of the MASSIVE MYSTERY BIG BOXSET BUNDLE for only $20…
BUT…
Remember when I said Tuesday’s were a Mystery?
Now, it’s a reality.
But just a reminder, if you’re wondering what this is about;
you picked up RED TIDE RETIRED or A PINT OF PROBLEMS from Bookfunnel to try out a mystery-
And here we are!
I’m glad you’re here, but if you don’t wanna be, just do us both a favor and click the Unsubscribe button below.
Let’s part as friends.
Now, let me tell you a little bit about what’s going on-
Part of the reason you’re getting this is because of Youtube and Amazon and some other platforms.
They like things to be specific.
Because I write in 7 genres, and tried to use one channel to talk about them all, it confused the computer.
And that’s the real mystery to me, because every single platform has an AI that can 100% show a thriller to thriller fans,
and mysteries to mystery fans,
and westerns to western fans,
without all the conflict and drama they decide to whip up
Sometimes I think “they” make up rules just to have something to do
some sort of job justification
But be that as it may, we are now Mystery Tuesday, where I will:
Send out a weekly newsletter to talk about any new release mysteries-
Talk about new uploads to a Mysteries only Youtube Channel (live this week, fingers crossed)
Talk about the long list of mystery books and/or stories written in the past
AND
Send you a link to grab some free books and free giveaways and/or books to read on Amazon Kindle Unlimited if you are in that program
Just mysteries though. Not westerns, not spy thrillers or sci fi stories.
Those all have to have their own unique niche newsletter, which you can sign up for, if you like those genres…
Because they will also have new original stories included with them as a treat:
It’s no mystery how much I like beers and ice cream and treats myself, so it’s no wonder I find them to share!
Speaking of treats:
I did a MASSIVE SCI FI BIG BOXSET that I set up on Friday for a BIG BUNDLE of Sci Fi Novels (and while the response wasn’t huge, I did get some appreciation for it)
And there is no way I’m not going to make the same offer to you, because I’ve been writing for years, and day in, day out, I have a big output of work, so I’m going to share it.
I’ve built a BIG BOXSET GIANT BUNDLE OF MYSTERY BOOKS that includes all these:
A Pint of Problems
A Fifth of Trouble
A Shot of Revenge
A Double Shot of Revenge
Red Tide Retired
ILL Intent
A1A
High Tide Homicide
Good and Gone
Booty Shake
Boomer Bust
Widow Washout
Mermaid Mayhem
Wet Suit Pursuit
Pirate Investigator
Lemon Drop
Lemon Squeeze
Pushing Luck
LA GUMBO
Mr. Goodtime
PI Problems
Mr. Lonely
Subsequent Guilt
Fateful Obsession
Lucid
Louche
Crash Corpse
Obstacle Corpse
Lucky Stiff
Foible
AND you can 100% pick them up individually to add to your collection.
They’re only $1.00 - $2.99 each, so it would cost about $75 or more to get them.
OR you can pick up the BIG BOXSET MYSTERY BUNDLE and get all of them for only $20, the same price I put out the sci fi bundle for:
Why am I doing this?
Cleaning up and clearing up and it’s a great deal for you.
Because if you saw the newsletter a few weeks ago, I lost some files (a huge amount of work) and even though it’s a long road to recover them, I’ve got a few books almost done and ready to come out including;
So this BIG BUNDLE BOXSET offer is for a very limited time, and then next week, I’ll send a link to the Youtube channel where you can listen to mysteries free and/or pick these books up one by one.
So don’t wait.
But for now, let me welcome you to TUESDAYS ARE A MYSTERY and tell you again, I’m glad you’re here. While I was digging for lost files, I found a few more mystery shorts, so I’ll have one polished and fresh for you next week too.
Until then, grab your BIG BUNDLE MYSTERY BOXSET for a weekend full of page swiping fun.
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