Take a Timeout for Tweens and Teens (sign up for small groups for parents of teens)

You raised this smart, precocious young person. You know they have big plans to go places in a few years. But right here, right now, in the heat of this very moment, you are so frustrated with the constant back-and-forth that you're about to revert to those timeouts you used when they were little. And we all know the timeout didn't work then, and it certainly won't work now.

They argue, bargain, and complain. You find yourself trapped in a negotiation you can't get out of. You need to reset the rules, reset your expectations, and hold on as they round the bend toward their next step as a young adult. These teenage years can be bumpy, but a few intentional shifts can help reset both the relationship and the rules.

Carve out designated “teachable moments” outside of heated exchanges to communicate your boundaries and expectations clearly. Try saying something like this (don’t say it all at one time; pause in between phrasing so they hear you and you keep your tone steady and at peace) :

“I know you don’t want to be treated like a child anymore. (PAUSE)

And you are right to feel that way. (PAUSE)

You are becoming a young adult, and because of this. (PAUSE)

We should avoid big temper-tantrum blow-up conversations like toddlers have. (PAUSE)

Let’s schedule a more adult version of this when we are both calmer. (PAUSE)

It is my job to guide you from here to where you want to be. (PAUSE)

I can’t and won’t do that when we’re both on fire in the middle of a temper tantrum. (PAUSE)

We will need to come up with a time (PAUSE)

When we are both calmer.

Then and only then can we have that more “adult” conversation.” (PAUSE)

The PAUSE signals to your teen that you are not rushing them, worried about them, angry at them, and you are at peace with your parenting. You are intentional in what you are saying and ready to allow them a chance to speak and be heard but you also need to be heard. You are ready to allow them a chance to be the adult they crave to be and that means you are ready to allow them into the problem solving ring…. instead of boxing it out you will be brainstorming it out with them.

If you can’t say all this without emotion, try to write it out in simple phrases via text or via a letter.

Then, as a follow-up to this initial conversation, design a weekly or monthly structured time to sit down together and talk through expectations, consequences, and follow-through. Add something enjoyable, a visit to their favorite fast food spot or a special treat. Use this time to give explicit feedback: acknowledge the growth you’re seeing, identify the stumbling blocks, ask what they think they might need, really hear them and their thoughts and needs, and build a shared plan that honors both of your voices. This approach to teen talks means you are moving from negotiator or hostage to guide on the side.

Always anchor these conversations to your teen’s biggest goals and preferred next steps: preparing for college, gaining more freedom, eventually living on their own. In the world of education science, we refer to these statements as the Premack Principle (named after the scientist who studied and developed this as a behavior strategy. You can think of them as First Then s” statements. Tying expectations to what that next step actually requires. We use this with little kids all the time, but don’t hesitate to use it in your teen talks, too.

The Premack Principle.

• First [less preferred task]- Have to do the task

• Then [more preferred activity]- Want to do task

For little kids, here is an example: First math homework, then play outside

For young adults, you can use more words or keep it simple. Drawing it out always helps, too.

• First, keeping a balanced schedule.

• Then, ready for college.

• “When I see _____ from you, I’ll see a young adult who is almost ready to live on their own.”

• “When I see you making sure your schedule is balanced and includes a variety of things (work, homework, exercise, and fun), I see a young man who is going to thrive in college.”

First, use a respectful tone when talking with your parents.

Then opportunities to get the financial support you need.

First, make sure the room is clean.

Then you can be on X-Box with your pals.

(This one comes straight from our house… our son knows the drill. No X-Box time; the room is a mess…. He is heading to college soon, and we need to make sure he’s ready to be a roommate who keeps things tidy!)- I seriously will turn off that Xbox if I notice the room is a mess. I do not budge on this. It has been taught, modeled, and practiced, so he knows the drill and honestly comes to expect it, which makes my requests and expectations less emotional. It is what it is.

If a heated moment bubbles up before you can get to one of these conversations, state clearly that in-depth discussions will be rescheduled for a calmer time, one where you can sit down with paper and pen and map things out together, rather than lecture your way through it. When in doubt, draw things out. This makes the discussion less pointed at the people and more pointed at the problem on the page.

You can sign up for my small group for teen parents! We have two more sessions that I am hosting this summer. July 9th and August 8th. Find out more and register at the following link.

sign up for CiB Small Groups

If you want to read more, you can also subscribe to my paid version below. With this option, you can dig deeper into the ideas I share. Listen to some of my client connections where they have put these things into action.

For today’s post, I have included more teen talk tips, a testimonial from a mother whose teen has put some of these practices into action, and a recording of me talking you through a new plan to support your teen. Here’s a glimpse of what it looks like beyond the paywall!

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