The Trouble with I

I like to read. Lately it’s been a lot of what I call armchair psychology books. I’ve noticed a recurring theme in them that resonates with me, and thought you might enjoy hearing about it too.

Focus is a big deal. Huge. Where we put our attention is where we live our lives. And for much of my life, I was not even aware that I have a choice about this. I know better now, and am discovering a new sense of peace and of freedom.

We can control our thoughts. It doesn’t mean that if something is momentarily hurting, like a stubbed toe (why did I move the furniture?) we don’t pay attention. When something hurts, whether physically or emotionally, we are meant to focus on it for the sake of our survival! Do what you can to fix it: see the doctor if needed, talk to the person who caused you hurt, move the furniture again, cry on someone’s shoulder (briefly) – but having done all you can to remedy the hurt (you can’t fix everything – but maybe more than you think initially), it’s the aftermath that becomes your life.

You can likely relate. The rumination. The dark cloud that lingers. The thoughts that circle over and over. Life becomes sad, depression looms, and the temptation to be bitter can be real. We don’t want to live there.

Good resilience is priceless, and it can be yours.

Resilience has nothing to do with how badly the initial hurt felt. We are human. We get hurt. Resilience is about how quickly you are able to bounce back after. Even that is not a race - some hurts take awhile to heal. But…

One of my latest reads is Shift by Ethan Kross, and it’s about managing emotions. (Recommended - both the book and managing emotions.) Kross talks about large studies that include losses of the most terrible kind imaginable, and what the differences were between those who managed well after, and those who didn’t.

It did help if someone understood that, yes, we really can control those negative circling thoughts. Replacing them with positive thoughts is a good strategy, but it’s not as simple as that. Not as simple as “think happy, be happy.”

Here are some practical steps to avoid getting stuck in an unhappy place after experiencing a significant hurt.

First of all, whatever the hurt was needs to be looked at straight on, and serious consideration given to what remedies may be on hand. If stuck, ask experts. If you skip this step, your chances of healing go way down.

Secondly, there is a time to mourn. To be sad that someone you loved is gone. To mourn that a relationship has to be either radically altered or abandoned altogether. To feel sorrow about a difficult diagnosis. A meaningful life is not about always being happy. There is a time to mourn. It’s nothing short of adding to the hurt to have someone say to a mourner “think happy thoughts”.

The author of Shift presents a variety of ways to develop resilience in the aftermath of severe hurt, and emphasizes that it’s not a one size fits all. I certainly won’t cover them all here.

But one that did grab my attention has to do with the “I” or “me” factor.

In a nail biting account of an astronaut who discovered a large out-of-control fire inside the international space station, the author reveals that the type of self talk we use, can actually influence the brain such that the “freeze” reaction to a disaster is less likely to activate. And the key was, the astronaut talked to himself in third person, saying “You can do this. [Even using his own name]” rather than, “I can do this.”

The theory behind it is, this removes or distances the person a bit from the situation causing a clearer view. When we get caught up with “I” and “me”, in any situation, our view is limited and our reactions can be severely stifled.

Personally, when I think of times I have had to extract my foot from my mouth, they are almost always times I am too “me” centered.

Sure, we need to self focus at times to, for example, set goals, or figure out what is or isn’t working in our lives. However, if we get too stuck in always being about us, we lose track of the big picture. We risk losing the ability to be a friend. We can lose the ability to enjoy the beauty of life or of nature around us.

Shout out to you serenity prayer people – as long as, please don’t miss this - as long as you leave room for recognizing and dealing with less happy things too. Don’t default to “oh, it’s one of those things I can’t change.” without examining and being very sure that is the case.

And those of you who are fans of “being in the moment”, that’s definitely valuable. (Creativity - painting, can help me with this.) But don’t let being in the moment get in the way of times you need to be thinking of the past and the future too, to understand what is best to do now.

It’s not those who always try to put a happy spin on everything, it’s those who are able to shift back and forth between analyzing, acting to remedy, letting go of what can’t be changed or controlled, and then being in the moment. According to Ethan Kross in Shift, backed by scientific studies, it’s the back and forth ability that makes for resilience after hurt.

I also find prayer, faith, and hope an essential part of the mix, and these are prominent at times I am successful with resilience. They also help with being less “me” focused.

I sure don’t have it all down perfectly. The rewards of peace make it well worth the effort though.

You most likely have experienced times of needing resilience - because life. What helps you most during those times?

Yours for a kinder and more creative world,

Cheryl O Art