As a new school year begins, I’m hopping onto my soap box for a second, because sometimes it’s important for all of us, students and parents alike, not to do that thing that “kills the vibe” and sends out anxious energy into the world. I’d like to extoll the virtue of not playing the comparison game.
It is, however, almost impossible to not compare, isn’t it? I’m often guilty of it myself.
This year, my son, the younger of my two, begins junior year. This week he’s been focused on crew tryouts. There’s no question he’ll make the team, but he’s coming back from an injury which included major surgery and a long recovery. As he wonders what boat he’ll find himself on, the comparison in my home begins.
“How’d it go?” I ask as he gets into the car. Then, I hear about everyone else’s times; immediately, he’s comparing himself. By the time he’s done sharing about how he did and how he thinks his friends did, he looks irritated and I’m wondering why I ever opened my mouth to ask the question. Then, I decide to stay quiet before I ask about something else to distract him from his self-flagellation and many if-only’s.
Comparison has this special, excruciatingly painful way of killing joy. And I have or hear about so many conversations that feel to me like the crew conversation my son and I had this morning. Whether it’s a conversation about who’s been placed in similar classes morphing into rigor comparisons or who’s scored perfectly on the SAT, who has a higher GPA or just completed great internship, the comparisons never stop. Then, once you’ve started down that rabbit hole, there’s no turning back. You may have felt great about yourself waking up that morning, but then after the comparison discussions, everything sucks, including how the student feels about him or herself.
Students in high school aren’t the only ones who do it. As parents, we get caught up in this very unhealthy game, too. We end up unknowingly hopping onto the dreaded hamster wheel as we look around, listen, and calculate. Before we know it, we’re looking at our child’s story alongside that of our neighbors; and the thing we felt so proud of, excited about, and even feel optimistic about suddenly all feel insignificant, worthless, and small.
I see this in my home and of course it’s everywhere in my professional life. I hate that the college process has become a competition of who’s done what, how many times, and with what result. Then, a TikTok video gets replayed over and over again and some college I never heard about is the new hot school, or we hear about a friend who did “better” at whatever, and suddenly everything has to be reconsidered. It’s hard to feel good about anything when comparison dooms it all before we even have a chance to feel good. Sadly, that’s how it typically plays out.
As a parent, I’m actively making the effort to stop myself from falling into that comparison trap which gets me spiraling. Instead, I remember that the kid in front of me is mine; and that he’s an incredible kid with strengths and challenges he’s overcome and a unique lived experience and story that are his alone.
My mom used to say, “If you look up, there’s always someone who’s doing better, seeing more, has more and there’s no end to comparing; if you look down, you realize how much you have and how lucky you are.”
There will always be someone with a higher GPA, more AP courses, a perfect test score. There will always be a neighbor or relative to compare ourselves to who seems faster, smarter, taller, more accomplished, organized or ahead.
While my wise asian mom was right, I never liked the implication that we should perhaps look down rather than up. IU always wondered why she never proposed the middle ground, which I’ve come to believe is the antidote to the comparison disease we suffer from: look straight ahead, at everything you’ve accomplished at this very moment. Celebrate what you have. Work towards what you personally want to accomplish. And as you look at the college process, remember each student is different. The true reward of a great high school experience is finding that place that will best support you; the one that fits just right.
Do you feel most comfortable at a huge state university, an urban private university in the middle of a city, or at a tiny liberal arts college where professors actually know your name? Are you ready to move 2,000 miles away or do you need to stay closer to home? One student may be following an engineering pathway, while another pursues art .
None of these different preferences or experiences should ever make a student feel behind, less interesting or unworthy in any way. You can’t rank “different.” As someone who’s worked with teens and young adults for thirty-six years (and counting) the hardest and best thing we can do for our kids is to (get them to) stop playing the comparison game. Our kids deserve the freedom to experience their own accomplishments without immediately having them measured against those of others.
If you received a B+ in a class that was super hard and overwhelming for you, celebrate it. Have you been doing your own college research and stumbled across a school that seemed like a perfect fit and made you feel excited? That’s a win worthy of a pat on the back. Did you raise your SAT score by 80 points? Amazing. All of it is worth celebrating. All of it matters because these moments and wins belong to your student.
Spending our waking hours comparing ourselves to others is so exhausting; the more we do it, the more we unintentionally teach our kids that what they’ve done only matters in the context of someone else’s achievements. Not only is that untrue but it’s an unhealthy, toxic way to live.
I’m not saying that we should all forget we live alongside other people. I’m also not saying that we should somehow teach our kids that outcomes mean nothing, because of course they mean something. What’s important is to stay mindful that comparison is only valuable as a data point; we shouldn’t give it the power to kill our joy, our celebrations or our confidence.
Although it may seem really subtle, there is a difference between looking at data and using it to better understand the landscape and figure out how your application might be read without it literally tearing down your sense of self worth. Sometimes, we just need help discerning that difference.
So here’s my advice to parents and students alike: Don’t look up, down or sideways. Look straight ahead at the work and life in front of you. Remember where you started and how much you’ve grown. Celebrate what you are learning about yourself and about your capacity to grow, stretch and become the best version of yourself. Acknowledge what is possible for you today that you never imagined could be true of you a year ago and focus on your race, your journey.
Comparison kills joy, and there is so much more joy to access when we stop comparing and focus on and celebrate where you are now and what’s right in front of you.
The rest will fall into place.
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