When You’re Stuck in Frustration: Go to the Balcony

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Last week, I went to a government office to file some papers. I arrived about five minutes after they opened so I could get in line and only have to wait a few minutes. At least, that’s what I thought. When I arrived, there were already at least a dozen people checking in ahead of me. I sat in the waiting room for almost two hours before my number was called.

While waiting, I experienced a wide range of judgmental thoughts. “Why don’t they have more staff working? I just need to drop some papers off. Why don’t they have a better system?” As I grew more judgmental, my thoughts became increasingly “me-centric,” as if I were the only one who needed assistance.

I’m not sure what jolted me out of my self-focus. I think I simply got tired of listening to myself complain. Suddenly, I realized this was an excellent opportunity to practice presence and patience—to gain perspective and think more broadly.

The phrase “go to the balcony” has always been a favorite of mine for pulling myself out of seeing situations only from my own standpoint. Going to the balcony is a symbolic exercise: observing the experience from a distance, from a higher perspective than my limiting point of view. Rather than get caught up in drama, I can look at a situation without judgment.

Harvard University professors Richard Heifetz and Marty Linsky coined the phrase “going to the balcony.” When you can observe yourself in the moment, they wrote, you become both the one being observed and the observer, which quickly broadens your perspective. The value of this expanded view is that you become less attached to your drama-filled behaviors and emotions. In short, you become less self-focused and more self-reflective.

This is what happened to me that day in the waiting room. When I “went to the balcony,” I imagined watching the room like a theater from above. If I were sitting in the front row, I would only see the actors directly in front of me. But from the balcony, I could take in the entire scene. This wider vantage point allowed me to notice things and people I hadn’t seen before.

When mired in the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT)—with its roles of Victim, Persecutor, and Rescuer—it can feel like you are stuck in the front row, unable to see any other perspective. That’s exactly how I felt. I was certainly feeling victimized by the long wait time and persecuted by the loud conversations I didn’t want to hear.

Shifting my perspective from the front row to the balcony was a metaphorical move out of the Victim script that said life was happening to me. As a Creator—the central role in TED* (*The Empowerment Dynamic)®—my viewpoint changed. I stepped back from my reactivity and became curious about the larger story unfolding around me. I noticed small children playing card games and laughing, and an older couple holding hands as they waited their turn.

Going to the balcony can take many forms. You might pause for a cup of coffee, go for a walk, or listen to your favorite music. Each is a way to break the trance of a narrow perspective. At any time, you can simply go to the balcony in your mind and allow a broader outlook to emerge.

The next time you find yourself hooked by drama patterns, like I was, go to the balcony. From this vantage point, you may spot new information or receive insights you couldn’t see from the front row. The perspective you gain can help you feel lighter and more able to choose a resourceful, resilient response.

When my number was called, the staff member couldn’t have been more helpful or kind. I got exactly the information I needed and left feeling grateful.

Until next time, here’s to the Creator in you.

Donna

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