Today I’ve cried and cried and cried. I cried with Mum, I cried with the cats, I cried with Elke and Cecilia, I cried with Rachel. It’s been another day of catharsis, letting it all out. I was sung to and fed, given a massage and an astrology reading, all of which supported the crying and letting go. I’ll need to drink some salty water to replace all the tears I’ve shed, like we do during lament workshops, to fill back up the inner ocean.
The astrology reading with Rachel was profound. No coincidence with the planetary transits happening right now. Eating nails is my current cosmic diet, but apparently it is all in the interests of healing, not just your’s but my own. There is no shirking the charge of being a warrior right now and all that fire in me is best put to use in advocating for others, as I do for you. My home and public life are undergoing a major shake up and shape shift, the mission is to find the light in the every day, as I attend this school of transformation. Perhaps the main comfort and insight in all of this, is the reminder that I am no victim. That even if the situation at times seems punishing, to both you and I, there is healing in process. This is the path we must walk, or roll in a wheelchair, an unfurling mystery requiring full-hearted engagement.
This morning, you had an appointment with the ear nose and throat specialist to look at your stoma. They were considering stitching you up on the spot but for some reason decided it was too risky. There was some concern about internal bleeding in your throat if they were to do that. Maybe you will need to go to another hospital for surgery. I wish with all my heart that your stoma would just close by itself rather than heal itself open. I wonder what kind of dance is this? That for each step forward there is a backward step and shuffle of complications.
I thought of a funny retort this morning. The next time someone tells me to - look after myself - I will ask them to make a donation. I hear it so very often that if I received a donation for every time someone said it, I’d have a steady income. Even your councillor said it to me yesterday. The irony is, if I didn’t look after myself, there is no way I would still be standing. I get that the message is well intentioned but from my position it also sounds a lot like - look after yourself because we are not going to help you.
This morning, I read you the ad for personal assistants that I’ve shared with our networks today, already a bunch of letters are trickling into my inbox to you from wonderful people wishing to work fir you. Over the next few weeks we will invite them to come and meet you then begin to assemble your team. Here’s the ad:
Personal assistants wanted! We now welcome expressions of interest to work for and with Patrick on his return home to Järna after a long period of hospitalisation with TBE. We are looking to gather a dream team of compassionate, curious people, with an interest in food and the natural world. The job entails supporting Patrick with cooking, cleaning, personal hygiene, with wheelchair support and just generally being his hands until his own have a chance to recover. We anticipate the job beginning in early May and are looking for people willing to work full-time/part-time/casual, for morning/evening/night shifts. Wages will be standard personal assistant rates. To apply, email a personal letter to Patrick (in Swedish, English or French) and include your CV to julia.adzuki(@)gmail.com
Thank you to everyone who has donated to our Build a House of Dreams for Patrick gofundme, you have absolutely blown us away with an ocean of generosity. All donations, both on and offline have now been added to the gofundme page, pooling an astonishing 409 383 SEK. You are supporting us beyond our wildest dreams, while making them a reality. Thanks to all of you, we can continue building our home and centre for A R T I S T S in R E S O N A N C E this spring, now with the help of a builder. This gives us great hope.
In case you are new to this diary, Letter to my Love with your Brain on Fire can be read as a prelude.
Your comments, likes and shares are so warmly appreciated, even if it takes a while to respond… I promise we will eventually!
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