Overexplaining as an Attempt to Control

Overexplaining is often an attempt to control.

Last week, we talked about uncomfortable emotions and our impulse to relieve them… With work, snacks, scrolling, or even more sophisticated strategies like our personal development tools.

Overexplaining is another one of those moments, a surface-level smoke signal that something deeper is asking for our attention.

Overexplaining isn’t bad, it’s doing you a favor. It’s waving a big flashing sign saying: “There’s something to look at here.”

So let’s look at what is underneath…

The gift of overexplaining:

The first thing to know is that overexplainers care deeply about being understood and tend to value truth, they have a low tolerance for being misunderstood.

So they protect themselves from that possibility by overexplaining, adding caveats.

That is the gift - there is something important sitting on your heart, and you genuinely want another human being to see it.

But every gift has a shadow.

It’s created by leaving enough space for another person to think.

To connect the dots.

To make meaning for themselves.

The more we try to control someone else’s experience of what we’ve said, the less room we leave for them to actually have one.

So the work isn’t to become someone who never overexplains.

The work is to recognise overexplaining for what it is.

A smoke signal that something underneath is asking for your attention.

The next time you notice yourself adding one more explanation, don’t shame yourself for using too many words, pause and get curious.

Instead of asking… “How can I make this clearer?”

Ask,

“What am I afraid will happen if I stop talking?” Sit with the first answer that comes up, that’s usually the thing asking for your attention.

Instead of asking… “How can I explain this better?”

Ask,

“What am I trying so hard to protect?” My reputation? My intelligence? My message? Or simply my desire to be understood?

Ask,

“What would happen if I trusted this person to meet me halfway?”

Ask,

“What is the one thing that is true right now that I want this person to know?”

Ask,

“What wants to be seen right now?”

Is it really my message...or is it my fear of being misunderstood?

Next time you find yourself overexplaining, search for this email or substack and explore what underneath is looking for your attention.

Because overexplaining is just a strategy you have adopted.

And just like the emotions we explored last week, the invitation isn’t to get rid of it.

It’s to stay with it long enough to discover what it’s trying to show you.

With love & courage,

Celinne 🤍

p.s. What behaviour in your life have you labelled as “bad”... that might actually be asking for your attention? I’d love to hear your answer, I read every response.

Book a Story Clarity Intensive: You sense there’s a story running underneath everything — in the decisions that keep stalling, the message that won’t quite land, the next chapter you can see but can’t yet name. In 90 minutes, we find it. You leave with clarity on what’s been driving the pattern and what wants to be told instead. Book here.

• Loneliness is not always a problem to solve

• When Your Body Says No But Your Mind Says “Don’t Be Difficult”