The Sober Awakening

“I knew I was coming down with something because I felt strange.”

My friend said it so casually, I almost missed it.

She was referring to a flu that smacked her off her feet a few hours later, but it gave me pause for another reason.

For many years, I couldn’t trust my body with feelings, knee-jerk reactions, and physical changes. Because for me, I was never sure how much of it was stemming from me, and how much was a direct result of last night’s bottle of wine.

My body feeling weird? That was generally me just hungover. Or at least that’s what I usually chalked it up to. My body couldn’t communicate things a body tries to communicate with us every day: feeling tired, sad, sick, or anxious… because I was numbing everything inside of me. Sometimes nightly.

And all the times I got sick… like stuck on the toilet or vomiting endlessly? It was so easy to pass it up as stomach flu. God knows how many times I called in sick to work with that diagnosis. And no doubt in some of those cases, it really was a bad illness, or food poisoning (another one I used often). However, I could never be certain. Because I’d be lying to myself to think hammering numerous beers the night before didn’t play any part in the matter.

No one talks about the body’s awakening in sobriety. Yes, we talk about finally feeling all the feelings. But what about finally listening to our bodies?

Our bodies are truly amazing. They tell us when we’re tired. They tell us when we’re in danger, sick, or in pain.

I’ve been sober for seven years now, and it’s incredible to have active, engaging, and honest communication with my body. Activities that encourage listening to our bodies, such as meditation and yoga, were always on my “No way in hell” list. I couldn’t stand them. They were boring. They were isolating. They were too quiet.

I finally understand the truth. That I was terrified of the quiet. I was terrified to hear what my body might reveal to me during my yoga session or in a silent meditation. Because deep down I knew I was abusing my body. Deep down, I knew I was suffocating myself with alcohol and lying about the damage it was doing. Deeper still, I was terrified of what my body might tell me if I finally did listen.