“I love men. But I don’t trust them. I wrote a book all about loving them and wanting them to access older, healthier modes of masculinity.
But I don’t trust them.”
This is a quote from a recent article of Sophie Strand’s. I read it out loud at our book club last week where we were discussing her book The Flowering Wand.
I brought up the quote because it lies at an intersection I find myself standing on a lot—the one between loving men and being so unbelievably frustrated with them. Between love and accountability. Mercy and justice.
These are all false dichotomies— more both/and than either/or—nevertheless we seem obsessed with forcing each other to pledge allegiance into just one of two camps—either you are pro-men or anti-men. You love them or you hate them. Either you are patriarchal or you are feminist. If you are for the women, you are against men. If you are for men, you are against women.
The reason I found Sophie’s recent article Do You Think I’m Being Overdramatic? so interesting is because if we are being reductive, her book The Flowering Wand would fall neatly into the loving men camp. It’s a beautiful offering for men full of generosity, imagination and expansion. I talk more about it here.
But then in her article she says,
“I wrote a book about masculinity that tried hard to understand the plights of modern men navigating patriarchy. But my patience has officially run out. The book is a relic. And it’s real. Men can read it. I hope they do. But as a woman today I have no generosity left.
Since publishing my book about masculinity men who purport to be fans of my work have plagiarized me, have stalked me, have harassed me publicly, have hired me for work they then never compensated me for, have invited me into professional collaborations and then made sexual overtures. My male fans have time and time again attempted to harm me.”
Being overly reductive, her book falls into one camp, her article the opposite. I wanted to bring it up at book club to see what others thought about the tension between the two pieces.
Turns out every one of us on the call were all carrying this exact same tension.
When I read out the quote “I love men. But I don’t trust them.” it became an unexpected rallying cry.
The next woman to speak said, “I also love men and don’t trust men.”
A trans woman then started her comment, “I also love men. I also don’t trust men.”
A man was next to comment and began, “I also love men and don’t trust men.”
Turns out this tension is quite a common one.
I knew Sophie would have wise things to say about it. I also know she has a habit of splashing color over any black and white binary she comes across, so I was thrilled to have the opportunity to interview her and get her take on it.
In addition to the pro-men/anti-men false dichotomy we discuss:
how our least nuanced, most inflammatory takes are the ones that go viral
how that lack of nuance and inflammation that you seem to need to have word spread online are the exact opposite skills to those needed to navigate personal relationships offline
what happens when women discuss masculinity publicly (spoiler alert- the same things we discussed last month with Ruth Whippman)
our shared love for adrienne maree brown and pleasure activism
Sophie’s latest book The Body is a Doorway and her ongoing relationship with ecology and chronic illness
Sophie’s recent articles and upcoming book about heterofabulism
What an absolute delight.
Thank you so much Sophie!!
And if you would like to join our next book club discussion, please do! We will be meeting in October to discuss Women, Race, & Class by Angela Davis. Join us by becoming a paid subscriber:
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