Welcome new readers. I publish bi-weekly about shifting our relationship with things we do or consume to feel less such as eating, snark, exercise, shopping, sex, work, drugs, or even over-functioning—and often what leads us into these escapist places. The framework is the Eight Awarenesses. Prior posts here. Information about my recent book, upcoming events, and more via my website.
“How did that text to the family make you feel, T?” Soren asked my teen son.
“A bit awkward, actually,” he replied.
Just the day before, I’d sent a group text to my father, my brothers, my sons, and Soren, celebrating a high school golf team triumph of my younger son. When I sent it, it felt like a tried, true, and generous way to invite my family into some good news, encourage their congratulations, and overall support my kiddo who is the more humble one among us.
“I remember a similar experience as a kid,” Soren continued, “when my family got excited about my success at sports I wondered if that was why they loved me, because I did good things, less for who I was.”
The rest of the conversation can remain among us, but let’s just say that yeah, there are some shared feelings along these lines in our family.
It was an interesting reflection that had me thinking for days. Do I give and receive love this way? I grew up with a lot of attention around accomplishments. When my parents talked about me in front of other adults, they seemed to focus on grades, school admissions, athletic triumphs, art projects, awards, and so on. I guess I do this with my own kids too, at least somewhat. When people ask about them I am more inclined to mention what they are doing than how they are. I could do a better job of letting them know they are loved simply for who they are too, regardless of what they do, and reflecting that in how I both think and talk about them.
I considered this perspective in the background of my day to day life and interactions for weeks. This conversation coupled with losing our beautiful and unconditionally loving Sacha—who did little more than love her people and let her people love her—made me want to de-transactionalize the love I share with others. I started noticing opportunities to hear more about how the kids are less about what they are doing.
I also started noticing threads of the same in my own life beyond our family—in conversations with friends and relatives, it sometimes takes a beat or two to get to what lies beneath the surface: how someone really is. I also noticed that when I started with that, rather than an activity update, a connection was immediately deeper, more meaningful. It’s obvious, of course, but in playing with it, the results were profound.
The reflections were starting to fade into new ones when I stumbled upon a recent Rich Roll podcast episode: Rich Speaks on Tiger Woods, Addiction, & The Wounds That Fame Can’t Heal. Rich does a solo show on this topic, touching on own history with addiction to illuminate what’s really happening beneath the spectacle of Tiger’s most recent car crash and DUI.
Some key sections of the :37 episode:
“We all want our kids to succeed, and we also all understand the importance of discipline. and of creating rational expectations and accountability so that our kids can push themselves. And I think the piece that I want to underscore there is that that’s all fine. I think it’s great to have ambitions and to hold high hopes for your children and to hold them accountable for their behavior and to try to mold them into responsibly ambitious adults. But I think it’s important to bear in mind that the expectation piece is important. If it is laden with the idea that things like love and approval are transactional, in other words, in order to get my approval or my love, you must do this or achieve that or succeed in whatever capacity, that is the piece that becomes problematic.
So you can hold an ambition for your child, but you have to hold it loosely. And the most important piece is that no matter what, they know they are loved unconditionally.”
Unconditional love. Have we felt this? Do we extend it? Maybe for some of us who’ve grown up in transactional love environments, unconditional love (in either direction) can feel unsafe? Food for thought:
For a nervous system shaped by conditions, love without rules can feel unpredictable, exposing, and therefore unsafe, even when it’s genuine.
Without a way to earn or secure it, unconditional love can register as something that could disappear at any moment.
If care was historically contingent, being loved “for nothing” can feel disorienting rather than soothing.
Is this part of the puzzle that can lead to dimming habits, then maybe even addiction?
Rich goes on:
“[W]hen I think about Tiger, I think about this guy who has literally won everything. There is no golf tournament that he hasn’t won. There is no mountain in sport that he hasn’t summited. And if he is under the belief, whether conscious or otherwise, that in order to receive love, he must be out there tackling another summit, what is a guy like that supposed to do when there are no summits left? In other words, what is it that you’re supposed to do when you’ve already won everything and you still don’t feel entitled to love, still don’t feel worthy of love?
What happens is that you face an existential crisis, and you’re going to do one of two things. Either you’re going to find a way to find meaning and purpose and faith in something else, something larger than yourself, or you’re going to begin to act out. You’re going to find ways to numb the pain and to ultimately prove your fundamental sense of unworthiness.
And when I look at Tiger Woods, I see somebody who is experimenting with the latter. And I think this helps explain why he is interested at age 50 in making a comeback in golf. I mean, why would this guy who’s already done it all want to go back? Why is he even interested in making a comeback? Why punish yourself in this way? Why, set yourself up for a fall, why not find something else in this stage of your life, something more meaningful, something where you can perhaps make an impact that will have meaning outside of your own success as an athlete?”
Rich ends the show with a call to action:
”If you happen to have somebody in your life who is suffering and you’re struggling with trying to understand how to help that person, my call to action to you is to make sure that they know that they are loved by you unconditionally, that you approach them from a place of compassion and non-judgment to make yourself available to help them with healthy boundaries . . . But I think if there’s anything I want you to take away from this, it’s that love is always the answer.”
And in my experience, that love can’t be in exchange for something, as a reward for something, as a result of an action of some kind. Our invitation is to love our people just for being who they are, not for what they do.
And the same goes for us. The invitation is to recognize that love and care are not something to earn, but something we are inherently worthy of simply by being who we are.
Be well.
Upcoming talks, collaborations:
Wednesday April 29th, 11a-noon PT via Zoom: Featured guest on Founder Satsang, Wisdomshare. This is a community founded by Scott Britton.
Tuesday May 12th, 5-7p, at the Alchemy Springs & Sauna Garden in SF (during Human Tech Week), hosted by Conscious Talent: “The Future of Conscious Company Building” a panel including Diana Chapman (Conscious Leadership Group / 15 Commitments of Conscious Leadership), Dave Hersh (Metamorph Ventures), and me. I’m told that if you’re interested in learning emerging ways of company building aligned with expanding human consciousness, you will not want to miss this! Details and registration here. Space is limited.
Thursday May 14th, 9-10a PT (online), Teens & Alcohol: Honest Conversations Without Fear or Shame hosted by The Institute of Child Psychology. Registration here.
Friday May 15th (AM) at the Reimagining Science Education Summit in San Francisco. This one is more about our work with Wisdom Ventures.
Tuesday June 9th with Elena Brower at The Portal in Mill Valley. Details here. (Members only, lmk if you want a spot on my list!)
Speaker Deck…. The remarkable Megan Belden helped me get this speaking deck together so I have a digital calling card of sorts. I love connecting with a broad range of audiences and communities, this helps me find my people. Thank you, Megan!
And of course, if you have yet to read Undimmed, you can find it in a variety of outlets and formats via this link. Thank you for your reviews. 🙏🏼 💛 ✨
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