I picked up a book recently by one of my favorite Buddhist authors, Pema Chodron called, “Welcoming the Unwelcome-Whole Hearted Living in a Broken Hearted World.” I always gravitated towards Buddhist books and take them with me when I am busy and need a quick boost of inspiration. I love how you can turn to any page-read a little-think about it and apply it to whatever situation or thought process you are going through. I also find these books particularly helpful with the often broken hearted feeling of navigating a creative life in this crazy world...I had been feeling a bit “stuck” lately wondering what to do about this paralyzed feeling I was having-and flipped to a chapter called, “Beyond the Comfort Zone.”
There is a “process of growth” concept that was created for children in the 30’s by psychologist Lev Vygotsky called, “zone of proximal development.” He only minimally developed it as an educational aid before he passed, but other entities took the concept and expanded it for their purposes. Pema Chodron uses the concept to speak about growth in life and I will reference her model. It has 3 zones-the comfort zone, the learning challenge zone and the excessive risk zone. I couldn’t find the diagram of her version from the book, but basically it looks like this:
What I notice right away about the diagram is how the comfort zone in the middle, feels small and trapped….perhaps that is why I sometimes feel “paralyzed"?” (I have been hanging out in the comfort zone for quite a while now.)
In brief; Pema describes these zones as follows: “the comfort zone is what we are most attracted to. It’s where we prefer to hang out.” “The learning zone is where we stretch beyond our comfort.” “The outermost circle in this model is called, “the excessive risk zone.” This area is usually too challenging to nurture growth.” “Everyone’s three zones are very personal to them. One person’s excessive risk zone can be another person’s learning zone.”
I never considered myself a person who stays within their comfort zone. Having moved more times than I can remember in childhood-I never was able to establish a “zone of comfort” in my environment. This unsettled feeling carried on through adulthood. I moved several times before I found a place where I felt like “I would like to make roots here.” I remember feeling excited about that idea-to make roots for the first time and to reflect on what having roots might mean to my life long term; such as-establishing long term relationships and growing with people (new family), starting something artistic in the community that would be long lasting; having a place where I felt safe and cared about….getting to intimately know a place…
In this place, in beautiful Northern California, I also ventured out of my comfort zone during my years there and did some difficult things…I went to the university and got a degree in my 30’s; and I traveled alone for almost a year in South America.
The day after I graduated college, I woke up and said, “but I want to do music!” (I did NOT have a degree in music) Getting a degree was my Plan B FROM music--my backup plan-my backup plan to a life as an artist that I never even fully explored....my futile attempt at creating a comfort zone to somehow circumvent or soften the blow from the creative life I desired and thought was out of my reach…I was really just scared.
It would take me five years to muster up the courage to pursue music, receive the calling to go move to Los Angeles and leave my comfort zone. In those five years after college and my first music epiphany, I kept myself mostly hidden away in my safe zone and worked on my music mostly alone in my cabin. I made excuses not to put myself out there too much with music until one day I woke up and said, “I don’t want to leave this earth without at least trying to pursue music on a bigger level.” The emotional feeling that washed over me with this second epiphany was a deep and beautiful pain…For me, I intuitively knew I had to leave my little town; my community, safety and comfort zone and venture to the big city where I had never been, had no job, no music connections and only knew two people.
Leaving my comfort zone always felt intuitively guided and then a big leap of faith into the unknown...indeed a “deep and beautiful pain…” when I think of my comfort zone and what I gravitate to when stressed-I think of warmth-being in a soft bed eating snacks, not worrying about anything that has to do with survival or doing…that is why I love to go visit my parents. They live in nature and I get to leave my current and very hectic and unpredictable existence is the fast paced city of Los Angeles as a “struggling musician;” and I go to my parents and relish in the peace and security of being fed and nurtured-not paying bills for a brief time-or worried about anything I’ve got going on at home..Getting out of that comfort zone can be unnerving….Pema speaks a lot about this in other books-that feeling of “groundlessness”-this is the place of growth....I intuitively knew that my own spiritual journey needed constant pushes out of the comfort zone-because-I can get comfortable real fast…and fester there…I find basic life stuff and its constant flux of shit to figure out a drag on creativity….even though it can be the opposite and a beautiful thing….difficulties inevitably DO take you out of the comfort zone…if you are open…
Once in Los Angeles, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone to the extreme....after years of suffering severe stage fright-I forced myself to go out and perform my music with the goal of not running off the stage....an extreme introvert-I forced myself to go to events and talk and meet people. I also did a million other things that were new and uncomfortable-because of that-my world expanded greatly….not just with music-but with so much more…I was ready when I was ready-not before. Apparently, I needed those five years of gestation and the years before to sow wild seeds, but when I received the profound calling to break out of my zone as if my life depended on it-only then-could I take action and go into the learning challenge zone and even dip my toes into the excessive risk zone…
During Covid when everything shut down; I had been working hard on music for seven years and it had been a slow and awesome upward trajectory before it came crashing down….it didn’t take me long to relish in this break; to “take back” some very old safety zone behaviors...after several years in THAT zone; when I finally tried to get out again-nothing was working; my seven years of being in the learning challenge zone with music prior to Covid WAS my new comfort zone, and everything I was doing felt way too familiar…I kept trying to recreate what I had “lost” and continue from a place of trying to regain ground, instead of acknowledging and being present with the groundless feeling Pema speaks about…I have been spending several years like this-complaining and reminiscing over a life I “had lost,” beating my head against a wall, and wondering why nothing felt right and wasn’t working…
Pema Chodron says in her book that, the more willing you are to step out of the comfort zone, the more comfortable you feel in your life….On the other hand, if you stay in your comfort zone all the time, it shrinks.”
I noticed that as I get older, there are certain situations that scare me more than when I was younger….driving across the desert in an old car before cell phones, meeting strangers and going off to parties on a whim….even the thought of living out in the country, which is my dream-feels more scary since spending the last six years in a completed protected apartment complex….so how do I challenge myself again?
The interesting thing is that the more willing you are to step out of your comfort zone, the more comfortable you feel in your life. Situations that used to arouse fear and nausea become easier to relax in. On the other hand, if you stay in your comfort zone all the time, it shrinks. It can be that way in a gated community. The gate makes you feel protected. But what happens when your washing machine breaks down and someone has to come fix it? The more you try to wall off the danger, the more afraid you become of everyone. And the older you get, the more threatened you feel. Things that didn’t bother you when you were thirty and forty can make you very uncomfortable when you’re seventy and eighty.—-Pema Chodron
I realized that I had to change. I needed to forget the past and move forward in my life in a way that feels right FOR ME, and to stop doing the same habitual behaviors with my creativity that was extremely exciting when it was new and fresh, but now feels old and stale and like a very slow moving merry go round…
So I am trying different things; exploring, being present…looking at things in a new way….like how I can combine other aspects of my life that I enjoy-into music and creativity…
Musically, I am trying more and more to get comfortable exploring the unknown which is what sent me on this wonderful adventure of music in the first place…touring; which I loved in the past when it was new and exciting-has turned heavy and frustrating….so I am working on a “destinations/no expectations” plan-which will involve being out on the road with less emphasis on heavy gigging-and doing alternative creative pursuits in the moment and new experiences that I haven’t tried before…
I am working on my health which is making some dramatic shifts in my life…
…and working on patience. I listened to a very powerful Wayne Dyer video this morning that helped me put this process and relaxing with it-into more perspective…you can check it out HERE
It takes time…as the great and inspiring Kim Hale likes to say, “that which is meant for you-will not pass you by…”
What are your own personal experiences around comfort zones?
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