The Gift that keeps on Giving

“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups.” ~~Cartoonist Cathy Guisewite

When I was in my early twenties, I headed off with some friends on a trip out to California to see Yosemite, the Pacific Coast and the wonders of the giant redwoods. That’s me waiting to board a boat in Sausalito, sporting the de rigueur long, straight hair so popular in the 1970s. I called my mother the next day, as promised, from my tent in Yosemite, only to have her say: “Have a wonderful time. Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine alone. Just remember I love you more than life itself.” My friend, Lenny, who was sitting next to me when I called, overheard my mother’s words. “For the last time,” he said, “are you absolutely sure she isn’t Jewish?”

Ahhh, guilt - the sense as a woman and a daughter that what I did was never quite good enough. The automatic impulse to put the needs of others before my own was a legacy of how I was raised, one that made it difficult to prioritize self, much less self-care. Like many women I carried the burden of what I came to understand was unearned guilt. It had nothing to do with my rapidly developing moral compass. Rather it was a psychological response to prioritizing my own needs that was rooted in having an over-developed sense of responsibility for the emotional experience of others.

Over the years, my journey of healing through spirituality and therapy released me from the burden of unearned guilt and helped me recognize codependent relationships and my role in either enabling or healing them. Difficult lessons of healing to learn but so important for me so I could live the life I truly wanted to live, whether it fit another’s definition or not. It was how I learned to claim my NO and be comfortable setting healthy boundaries. It was how I learned to be true to myself, even when that meant disappointing others.

A legacy of guilt gets handed down, especially to the girls and women in the family. But it is a legacy that can cripple potential. Instead, when I studied Buddhism, I learned about the idea that I should approach my life with the utmost compassion. That simply meant treating myself with the same kindness and care I would show a friend. Most often self-care conjures up visions of trips to the spa, a good massage, and maybe some time away from the office or other responsibilities of life. But there is a more compelling definition. Real self-care has my inner dialogue shifting from one of critical thoughts to one of loving kindness. Real self-care has me living as if my life is an incomparable expression of beauty and grace. And it is.

I am part of a larger humanity, flawed and imperfect but still worthy of love, peace and joy. Now in my crone years, the fact that time is fleeting has new importance to me. I intend to fill each moment with loving kindness for self and all that exists. As I sit each morning and listen to the sounds of the birds outside my window, I feel such love - for the trees, the river down below, the animals, insects and birds who create the background symphony that lights up my mornings. And I surrender in gratitude to whatever the day has in store.

May you live each day this week as if your life is the incomparable expression of beauty and grace that it is.

With love,

Catheen