What does it mean to “get your affairs in order”? That’s what we’re tackling this month*. It’s what doctors say when confirming a terminal diagnosis. But getting your affairs in order means different things to different people. Most of my clients want a list of practical items they need to address at the end of their lives. Some careseekers are more concerned with the emotional and spiritual.
Over the years, I’ve developed a checklist for all three.
This is your experience, no one else’s. So get educated. Keep a notebook handy to write down every symptom and bring that with you to the doctor’s appointments. Bring another person, too. And use that notebook to write down what the doctor says.
Yes, it’s scary to ask about the trajectory of an illness. However, much of that fear of the unknown goes away when we know. It feels empowering. Take some time in the beginning to fully comprehend all the physical, mental and/or emotional changes to better prepare for them.
We feel a variety of emotions responding to a new reality. Some days will be better than others, so I help clients put some plans in place for self-care. We contact a grief counselor, begin meditating or praying on a regular basis, or keep a journal. If my client is confined to a room, we bring in plants, pictures, candles or anything that might provide them with comfort. That helps careseekers feel better and their visitors respond well to the peaceful environment.
One of the first questions I ask is, “What do you want to do with the rest of your life?” Some want to reach out and say, “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” or “I forgive you” to estranged loved ones. I’ve had clients get married to the love of their life before they die. One needed support to see their granddaughter’s graduation. We talk about what they want to do and see what goals are feasible and can be accomplished.
My clients and I consider their options for where they can comfortably die according to their own wishes. This might be at home, in a hospital or nursing home, or somewhere else entirely. The location is based on their condition and whether they want certain medical professionals on hand for whatever they might need. Now is the time to make sure it’s a viable option.
What if a partner, child, or roommate doesn’t want them to die at home? Often, that comes from a place of fear. Usually, after a few sessions, they learn about what that really means and change their minds. But, if they still feel anxious about it, we can find another location. This is why we need to discuss this sooner, rather than later.
Put someone in charge of social media accounts with clear instructions on what to do with those accounts after you die.
This includes people providing:
Emotional or spiritual support.
Hospice care.
Help with household chores on a daily or weekly basis. (Cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, etc.)
Transportation to or from doctor’s appointments.
Personal care such as haircuts, pedicures or manicures, waxing, shaves, etc.
Assistance with scheduling volunteers, visits and medical care.
Create or update your will and estate paperwork. Put all your account information, including passwords, in a secure location. Make sure your beneficiaries are named and contact a financial advisor if needed.
Put all your wishes about future healthcare in writing. This includes a durable power of attorney, someone who can and will make medical decisions for you when you cannot. Create a living will. Be very clear about the treatments you want or don’t want at the end of your life.
Lastly, create a Do Not Resuscitate or Do Not Attempt Resuscitation order. Both you and your doctor will sign the DNR to make it official.
Donating your organs and tissue is a lovely way to give the gift of life. Research local medical schools or other places that would also take a whole body donation for research needs. Include these instructions in your advance healthcare directive.
Consider whether you want people to donate to a particular organization in your honor. Is there a charity or nonprofit organization that means a lot to you? We can list it in the obituary or tribute after the death. We can also discuss what to do with any leftover household items – many charities have thrift shops where they can sell clothes, furniture, etc.
Contact at least three local funeral homes to compare prices. You have lots of options to consider, including:
Cremation (Traditional or Liquid)
Burial (Traditional or Conservation Cemetery)
Embalming or Refrigeration
Home Funeral
Natural Reduction
Make arrangements ahead of time, including payment, to ensure your wishes are met and make things easier on loved ones.
Organize your most requested recipes, write out your life story, send emails to your kids telling them everything you love about them. This fills your remaining days with meaning and you’ll leave behind a wonderful gift to be treasured for generations to come.
Sometimes, this is when we begin to think about our fears. One of my first questions is, “What scares you about dying?” A hospice or medical team handles physical discomfort, and we definitely begin those conversations.
What about emotional or spiritual discomfort? Again, I tell my clients, “This is your experience.” So we must think about what they need for support. Would it be helpful to have a chaplain on the support team? What about a priest, rabbi, imam or pastor? If they belong to a particular house of worship, now is the time to include whoever might make this a more peaceful transition.
If they don’t belong to a specific community, I might begin researching to find someone available to provide pastoral care.
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Or we might begin to think about meditation, journalling, psychedelics, and other options.
I encourage my clients to do what they want as often as they can. Listen to favorite songs. Watch the sunrise or sunset. Hold hands with loved ones. Keep the windows open to breathe fresh air. I might put their bed in a room where they can see the garden or people walking by on the street. Listen to the birds.
This is the time to do whatever brings joy. My clients may not have a great deal of time left; however, they can decide how to spend that time. And make it count.
Not everyone is going to do everything on this list. Some may add items that I haven’t covered here (like declutter their home, determine who will care for pets, etc.) or check the items off in a different order altogether.
One thing is for certain – we don’t have to wait until we’re dying to do many of these tasks. If you’ve been following along with my monthly guide this year, you’ll notice this is a familiar refrain: Get started now. Preparing ahead of time will lead to a better death someday, and a better life right now.
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