Quick Notes as it All Winds Down

I’m so happy but damn if I’m not overstimulated, what else is new?

Lately I’ve been internally likening it to running (imagine for the purpose of this mental exercise someone like me could enjoy running), and I love it and it feels like I’m flying but I’m quickly gaining the knowledge that I’m running off a cliff. So I stop for a moment. And I tap my foot and I check the time, which either skips hours at once or stands still altogether these days. And then I start running towards the cliff again because doesn’t it feel good to have a destination?

I know running off a cliff isn’t ideal. I’m looking forward to a quiet November after a chaotic early autumn (and let’s be honest, summer, and spring) - but I always say this. I always say I’m looking forward to a break but god’s honest truth is I hate breaks. It hurts me a bit, not in an “I love having pressure on me because I can handle it and pain makes me stronger and I’m too cool and smart and did I mention capable for rest way”, but rather in the panicky, sweaty, nodding off on the TTC “I definitely can’t handle it but the caged rat in me sure enjoys running on a wheel way”. Or whatever the Smashing Pumpkins said.

The edge of the cliff will meet the soles of my shoes sooner or later though, and I don’t really know what happens after that. Nurse a broken bone and find a bigger cliff to run off? Is that what life is? That’s been the strategy thus far. I don’t mind it too much.

It’s better than standing still.

Some other things to note:

• I’ve met so many new people and they’re all so lovely. Every time I think the (entirely randomized) universe can’t (metaphorically) bless me any more with friends, I meet another wonderful stranger. It fills me and it fuels me, I love people so much and they never cease to challenge and amaze.

• I’m very, very addicted to my phone and I have the crooked pinkie to prove it.

• I think about reading every day but I don’t do it nearly that often. I really, desperately, want to read more but the task of feels Herculean and I’m increasingly worried about it.

• I think about smoking cigarettes every day but also don’t do that nearly as often. This, unlike reading, is probably for the best.

• I’m at the point in my medical transition where I wish I was further along. I mean, I guess that’s been the entire time (impatience continues to be a main theme of my life, surprise surprise) but I’ve been taking testosterone for 3 years and I could really go for a moustache right about now (brave in the era of performative man tiktok, but I’m already guilty of that crime a million times over since like, high school, so whatever).

• Maeve and I officially get married in less than a year and I love them more than anything even when they forget to close the kitchen cabinet doors.

• I wrote something I don’t (yet) hate for the first time (not this post, a play). Feels good.

I hope November wraps you all in blankets and forces a cup of herbal cup down your throats. See you at the cliff.