Who's Responsible?

The Evergreen HS shooting has hit close to home. Many of the kids I grew up with lived over there (the nature of county lines meant they went to a different high school), and some of my adult friends had kids who went there. While a different school district, we are all part of the same mountain family.

I never know how to react to school shootings. Of course I am horrified and sad. This time I got angry. Not at the gun lobby or manufacturers or politicians. America is the #1 arms dealer in the world supplying 60% of weapons worldwide. Guns aren’t going anywhere when domestic sales alone are worth $91 billion according to the National Shooting Sports Foundation, and global sales are another $318.7 billion according to the State Department. But at least this time the kid only had a hand gun, not an automatic weapon.

I got angry at the kid. How dare he kill himself! Of course when the perpetrators kill themselves, not only are they being cowards, but they leave us to ask unanswerable questions. It’s hard to not want to find someone to blame. Yet, blaming him doesn’t make us feel better because he doesn’t have to answer to us. I’ve been reading old newspapers, like 1860s-1900 old, and often when one man shoots another, he immediately turns himself in—at least up here. I know we as a society are struggling with our definition of masculinity, but facing the consequences of your actions seems like a solid tenet. When I was a kid, we were told if you can’t be naked in front of your partner, you shouldn’t have sex. A little extreme, as I’ve never been comfortable naked full stop, but the idea is if you can’t face what you’re about to do, don’t do it. It’s effectively what we’re teaching our kids about consent. If you can’t ask or talk about it, don’t do it. The same should be true for all things. If you don’t want your behavior on the front page of the newspaper, don’t be an ass or a bully. Some people are proud of this behavior, so obviously this won’t stop everyone from being dicks, but perhaps if it were a tenet of our cultural morality kids who think about shooting other kids won’t.

The first school shooting I was aware of happened when I was in college. A boy killed his parents and then went to school and shot a number of kids. He was arrested. He is still alive. He has had his whole life to answer for what he did, to face the people he hurt, to get the mental health care he needed. He’s answered our questions; he’s taken responsibility. What he did can never be undone, but healing and moving on is easier for the people he hurt if they choose.

After the Evergreen HS shooting, a parent posted that her high-schooler who’d been homeschooled for the last three years was afraid to go to school (in a different, but nearby area). A number of parents responded with links from local and state resources to help kids and families deal. Some tried to one-up each other’s fear (my so and so was there…). Other’s supported the kid’s desire to stay home (mental health day). It’s a good question: what do we do when we and/or our kids are scared? I suggested reminding him how strong he is, and that fear can’t run his life. That today there are so many resources to help us heal when bad things happen, whether a school shooting, an assault, a car accident, death in the family, etc. We become victims when we choose to live in that fear, but PTSD and trauma are not guaranteed and don’t have to be permanent.

When I was 16, I was at a sleep over. We’d gone into town to rent some movies and I rolled our truck. The next day my mom made me drive home so I wouldn’t be afraid to drive. It worked. I’m not. It wasn’t a school shooting, but it was scary. We have to face our fears, so we can see how strong we are. And it helps to know we have the supports we need.

We got locked-in a lot during high school because prisoners would escape a nearby prison and hangout in our area. We never knew what would happen. And there was a year where we had sooo many bomb threats it eventually inured us to them. They were scary at first, but eventually we got past the few and became annoyed (esp. if we got stuck in a class we didn’t like). We can choose to stay in the fear. We can stay home and bemoan the lack of action. Or we can teach our kids they can overcome. Teach them to be the kids that support other scared students. To be the ones that remind kids who are struggling how to get help. Teach them that the only acceptable thing to do after they’ve messed up, even if it is horrible, is to face the consequences. Teach them to take responsibility and work toward forgiveness. Teach them they have an important roll as a community member no matter what they do or how they feel. Teach them to be brave.