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Friends, this is a sad time for True Christians everywhere. Just when we were convinced the End Times are finally upon us, God in His infinite wisdom and wrath has once again signaled that we will have to wait even longer for the day when we can join Him and His Son in Heaven’s crystal palace. This is truly a sad time, indeed. The Deep State is clearly a tool of the devil. And Satan has won, yet again.
Our confidence that the Rapture was right around the corner arose when God’s Own Party (GOP) dominated the last elections. Despite the fact that heathen Kamala Harris won nearly as many votes nationwide as our golden-haired prophet, God made sure Trump was elected. He started by ensuring the colored folks and boat people in the swing states — who care only about pronouns and free insulin — were sufficiently confused by the ballot process. When that wasn’t enough, He intervened further and had the Electoral College do exactly what the Founders intended: deliver us from competence.
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And even though God had a momentary lapse and let the Senate threaten us with women in pantsuits, He ensured that any resistance would crumble by giving us, as Vice President, JD Vance — a man whose ideological journey from Yale-educated critic to golden retriever is more miraculous than the loaves and the fishes.
We understandably believed God put our Republicans in command because He wanted the End Times to begin. And our Godly Republicans increased our confidence by immediately setting about to make the Book of Revelation come true — mostly through press conferences.
From the apostle John, we know the End Times will occur when the Earth is plagued with fires, earthquakes, plagues, the destruction of plant, animal, and human life, and the dominance of creatures like locusts and other destructive bugs. Those do-gooder Democrats want to take our money and tax our corporations so they can make the environment fit for future generations — when True Christians know there aren’t going to be many future generations to come. Why waste money on a pipe dream of a clean world when the Rapture’s on the calendar?
Godly Republicans sought to let us enjoy every second of what little time we have left: slashing taxes for those with enough money to notice it, slapping tariffs on everything including the air we breathe, running the deficit up to numbers so large they’ve transcended mathematics and entered theology.
What better way to facilitate the apocalypse described in Revelation than by gutting the EPA so thoroughly that those giant horse-like locusts with lion’s teeth and scorpion’s tails God has promised will practically build themselves (Revelation 9:7-10)? What better way to get rid of the excess animals so that only billionaires and scavenger birds remain (Revelation 19:17-18)... than to open wildlife sanctuaries to development and rename them “opportunity zones”?
We Republicans know the truth. Rather than trying to save this planet, we should face and facilitate the inevitable. Defund every agency that suggests otherwise. Spark conflicts in the Middle East. Withdraw from every multilateral agreement so that each nation may pursue its own personal apocalypse on its own personal timeline. This is God’s time — not the time for fact-checkers or the World Health Organization.
But then something went wrong. The polls turned. The approval ratings cratered. The man who was supposed to usher in Revelation started feuding with Canadian trade ministers and posting at 2 a.m. about crowd sizes. The chosen vessel began to seem less like a prophet and more like a man who has lost the thread entirely — deep in the wilderness, not of spiritual trial, but of his own grievance loop, unable to find the plot he wandered away from three press conferences ago.
True Christians everywhere had better unpack their bags and clean their weapons, for it looks as though the world is going to be here a while longer — and our champion may have misplaced both the script and his reading glasses. Let us pray in mourning for us all.
Amen.
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