It’s Friday and we can all celebrate Sydney Sweeney being cut from The Devil Wears Prada 2. Gotta take the good news wherever you can get it these days!
First things first, does anyone want one of these t-shirts? I have 3 of them sitting here and they’re driving me insane because I don’t know where to put them/they never sold and I want them OUT of my living room! I’ll ship it to you! No charge! (US only, sorry). They’re all a size small, but to me it feels more like a medium. Don’t worry I will be lint rolling them to remove Oaty’s hair. Comment/DM me if you want to snag one!
My next question is are you interested in joining the private email list for the Collection Catalog Preview of my gallery showing next month? Joining will not only give you access to all the pieces I’ll be showing one week before the show opens, but also the option to purchase ahead of time! Sign up here.
Okay ANOTHER THING!!! Wow I have a lot of things to say! Starting in May, paid subs will receive 4 hand drawn doodles a year. They will be random and whatever the hell I feel like drawing. If you’re not a paid subscriber already, please please consider doing so! I put a lot of energy into this Friday newsletter and your $5 a month goes a very long way for me.
This weekend I’m headed to the Norman Rockwell museum to talk to a bunch of teens about my career. What will I say?? How will I keep a straight face?? Teens famously scare me because I want to be liked, so badly. I really wanted to find a photo of all the drawings of Angelina Jolie I did in high school (I was OBSESSED), but for some reason my photo library is just not delivering. Really love looking back and being like wow, I clearly just wanted to make out with her, but instead I hyper-fixated on drawing her over and over and over and also tried to get my hair to look like Lara Croft (always failed). Maybe the teens wouldn’t even get it though. They’d be like, who is she? Some dominatrix?
A person who was maybe a robot the entire time, tricked me this week. They reached out saying they wanted to promote Murder Book on their bookstagram. After looking through the account which was filled with cute, well lit pictures I was like okay sure as long as you don’t want money from me. When they confirmed it was editorial and not pay to play, I said go for it. Then this person responded with the “trailer” for my book and it was one of the more horrifying AI slops I’d ever seen. It wasn’t even my drawings. There was an AI person on screen talking about true crime fascination, but had clearly hallucinated many facts about my book. The tone was a very Edgar Allen Poe with scratchy black drawings of a raven followed by a random shot of an empty chair, then a hand circling the word “accurate” on a sheet of paper. I actually screamed, then ran to pull James out of bed so he could witness this monstrosity. The whole thing was yes funny but I was also terrified that this would end up on the internet in association with my book. I felt really dumb for having engaged with this person (?) and quickly wrote them that I no longer wanted to be involved. I’ll let you know what the response is.
Don’t get any ideas about that romance toon, I am not single but was thinking about all the bad dates I’ve been on!!
A lot of these doodles are about something I’ve been too afraid to actually write about. I have wanted to write about, my therapist has been encouraging me to write about it, but every time I’ve sat down to do it I find myself wanting to do literally anything else. I’m being so vague so I’ll just come out and say it—I’ve gained weight! And I had no idea how triggered I’d be!
I went to the doctor for a normal check up situation and when they weighed me, there was a number I had not seen in a long time. About 10 lbs more than I’d been over the past 7 or so years. I tried to act so cool about it, but when I got home I looked at James and burst into tears. So many things were swirling around in my head. I didn’t understand when or how it had happened, I wanted to find the “culprit,” I felt a very uncomfortable sense of shame, but on the flip side, I also felt deeply embarrassed that I was this upset. Did I not just write an entire book about recovering from an eating disorder and learning to love my body? Am I a complete fucking fraud?
I know the answer to all of this is that no recovery is linear. I am not perfect. I’m not unaffected. Getting upset about something doesn’t mean I’m bad or wrong. Even though I deeply hate this word, it really does mean that I’m triggered. (gross gross gross). I’ve been trying to accept that I’m just facing a new challenge right now and that challenge is incredibly difficult when every single commercial, every ad on the subway, every promotion online is telling me to lose weight. Get on RO! Ozempic for all! Even Serena Williams is losing the weight SO YOU SHOULD TOO!!!
For awhile there were a lot of ugly feelings inside me that I was having a really hard time admitting to. I kept telling my therapist—I have thoughts about doing things I shouldn’t do, things I used to do… but I have not acted on those thoughts. She tells me this is progress. I have a hard time believing her but I’m trying. I want to be such a cool girl. I want to not worry at all. I want to be so casual and be like, eh, what’s another ten pounds? And to be clear, IT IS OBVIOUSLY FINE TO GAIN WEIGHT. I am in no way saying I need to get rid of it. But it’s brought up such a huge mess of emotions that I was really not expecting—about my self worth, my past, my value systems, and any sense of control in this life.
It kinda feels like this old version of myself is knocking at the door begging to be let in, so she can take over the situation. She wants to micromanage and tell me I can’t eat bread. And it’s like bitch, go away??? No one invited you here! It’s quite a shame that the body positivity movement has essentially left the group chat. I really appreciated Hallie Bateman’s recent piece on this topic. Also Allison Raskin has some great writing on this as well. I think one of my biggest fears is that somehow I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. That there never was any progress, that the truth is, I’m not better, it was all some great big illusion. I have arguments in my head, reminding myself that that is of course, not true. That I’m happier and healthier. I’m in a beautiful relationship which does in fact mean, I’m safer. And for me, being safer does in fact mean that I eat more. The number one thing I did with all my exes was get incredibly anxious and restrict myself. I’d skip meals because my stomach was in knots, my tongue felt numb, putting food in my mouth felt impossible. So like, what a relief to not be struggling like that anymore!? I hate to say it but I probably need a fucking gratitude journal. I don’t want anyone to read this and be like “wow Hilary is really not okay right now.” I’m just facing something new—or actually old, in a new context—and it’s something I have to wade through, sifting through all the thoughts, memories, feelings and reactions. I think this is what people like to call a “journey.”
Wanted to end on a happier doodle. The red boots I wrote about last week are incredible and I’ve worn them every single day since they arrived. I thought to myself, maybe this whole time, all I really needed was new cowboy boots. Really a big game changer for my ego.
ICYMI: idk i already said everything
Looking forward to: the Berkshires!
On repeat: If You Wanna Be Happy by Jimmy Soul
Currently Listening to: Amanda Knox’s Doubt
Recently Watched: Send Help
Buy shit from me on Etsy!
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