me myself and i...
the world seems understandable in flashes. i've earned my way to this point. i can feel my body and my story, particularly dark at times. i cannot go chasing the way i want things to be. instead, they will have to come to me. it is the fact that i cannot tell my story that i feel heavy and alone. though i know i can and i should. these are the crosses i was chosen to bear. why do we fundamentally…
i am hiding in the past because no one looks here. my eyes watch the skaters go by, on ice that looks like water. what a joy to participate in this party with a body, even a ruined one. i dig in the wrong places, but at least i try everywhere. who am i to say they are wrong? my half furled body wants to sprint, to push and burn my muscle fibers with the feeling of work. i think i have done a good…
the bottom of my toes seize up to know of you. blind, when i release. you are left when everything else is subtracted. you find the bottom, and i would've prayed for no less than this day i know the deepest of you, without seeing. love reminds us what is real. i have much to show, and you are impressed with me; i am like a little flower, and you are the same person as forever
i smell blood, my blood. my mother is at my temples, my blood on her hands you cannot change her you must find a way to love her
my mother has come leaps and bounds but is still like her mother. i have come leaps and bounds and am still like my mother. i hold her and myself to a standard of perfection that will never be attained. but by many standards her and i have come very far already. maybe the closer you are to perfection the more it gnaws on you, like a bird. i think very fast. i think ahead to the anticipatory grief…
i have a death wish. i like to self sabotage: when the toxicity rises, i dangle myself above the pot, and refuse to pull back. i am a pile of jenga blocks, each unable to move. i am tied up. i am limp. i hate myself for doing this. i hate that i hate myself. only the lord can take this away, but he doesn't. he wants me to suffer. all the answers are locked away until the storm passes. i do not…
we drove up central street. it was almost midnight and we were still stuck in traffic when the fireworks started to go off. my brother pulled into an alley, where we had a clear view across the field. a lady shouted at us that we were blocking someone's garage. laughing about it to ourselves. in the car we chose each of our first songs of 2026. mine was club can't handle me by flo rida. when we…
i am lost. i really am lost, please believe me. i am lost and i dont know where to go. i am lost and i dont know what to do anything for. i am lost and i dont need anything anymore. i am lost and i dont want anything, i am lost and i am far away from even my closest family, i am lost and im not sure how to be found. i am not sure if i want to be found. the choice to be found is not in my control.…
in ninth grade is when i get chosen. the band teacher recognizes me and pulls me out to join the senior ensemble. i have to commute early to school an extra day. my father drops me off in his pajamas and i lug my odd-shaped instrument to the band room, where i take my seat as third french horn next to two behemoths, reece and kaoru, the older brother of someone in my grade and a music prodigy from…
in a wet, grey cubicle. a thousand buzzing gnats swirling at my head. the swarm is so dense i cannot see beyond them. i pray for forgiveness because i have fucked up again. i breathe out because i have forgotten to let my breath out. i am a monkey locked in this cage. there is no getting to the bottom of these emotions because the body is a physics machine. i cannot extricate myself from the…