Omg I forgot about Venezuela! That’s right. In my last post I wrote about the despot president of the USA abducting the despot president of Venezuela and his wife and today I realize that so much has happened I had completely forgotten that Trump had done that because he quickly followed up with a threat to take Greenland. Oh so much has happened, it’s so stressful, living next door to malice! Malice, who the fuck is malice? (If you get that reference I know you’re the cool kid). Now on to the round up!
I have an Oscar! That’s right, Meryl Streep has seventy eleven thousand so she gave me one. So now I have one. That’s how it works right? I’m thinking of hitting up Lin Manuel Miranda for a Tony, Beyonce for a Grammy and Sarah Jessica Parker for an Emmy. Then I’ll have the EGOT! Until then “I’d like to thank the academy!” After all, I’ve made films on my Google Pixel. Eight films. Sure I even made a foreign film back when I had a Huawei. That’s a phone. A Chinese phone. more on that later!
I know that’s how this works because FAUXTUS got his Nobel Peace Prize that way. That’s right, Venezuelan opposition leader María Corina Machado gave Trump hers and he happily accepted. I have never felt such second hand embarrassement in my life as I do for Machado who lowered herself to give a coveted, and for her, highly undeserved prize. Everything Trump touches turns to fools gold. Or blows up.
The Nobel Committee issued a statement that says that going forward they see no recourse but to rename the esteemed award The Boobie prize. Poor Alfred Nobel must be spinning in his grave. Known for inventing dynamite, (some of you got the “blows up” reference before right?) I bet I know where he’d shove a stick of it if he were here to see how his memory has been tarnished. (Short video above I thought you might enjoy). Poor Alfred was rather keen on his legacy. So sad to see it explode like this. Okay, I’m done with dynamite puns now. I’ll stick to other topics…
Speaking of embarrassment, Trump sent a letter to the PM of Norway and it’s a doozie. In an effort to embarrass all americans even more so than they already are, widdle felon of the free world told the president of Norway that he is so big mad that he didn’t get a Nobel prize the right way after stopping “8 wars” he’s given up on peace altogether and is just going after Greenland. That’s right. He’s threatening to take an independent country because another country, whose government has nothing to do with giving out the award, and completely unrelated to Greenland, didn’t give him a prize he didn’t earn. You can’t make this shit up. Also, he’s unfit for office, if stating the obvious is back in vogue.
In related news Trump flipped off a Fjord worker. No wait, a Ford worker. Got all up in my fjords there for a minute. Anyway, In a visit to a Ford plant a worker shouted out “Pedophile protector” and Trump flipped him the tiniest bird with his itty bitty hads. Remember wayyyyy back when the media kept waiting for him to be presidential? Oh how far we’ve come and how low the office of president has fallen. Presidential? He’s residential, as in should be in long term care. But nope, old wandering Donnie is still out sundowning the hell out of the whole wide world.
Oh, and guess what he’s done now. The Nobel Prize loser in chief has started something called “The Board of Peace” which is as stupid as it sounds. He’s ade himself grand poobah of it and invited Carney and the French president and Putin among others to join. It’s all a shit show and there is no intermission folks. No time for popcorn because it’s a neverending parade of manure dancing across the stage. And you just don’t know where the next pile will land.
On the bright side, Americans are still creative. Someone has constructed a ten foot tall replica of the card Trump sent to Epstein on the mall in front of the White house. A reminder that he is indeed a pedophile protector and that it’s been 30 days since ordered to release the Epstein files. Of course we’ve all forgotten about it in the craziness of the past few days.
Credit : Andrew Leyden/ZUMA Press Wire/Shutterstock; Davidoff Studios/Getty Felonious Murphy has also threatened 100% tariffs on eight European countries if they can’t come to a deal about Greenland. They have come to a deal. Ya can’t have Greenland ya filthy animal.
I’m gonna talk about Minnesota in a different article because it needs more time but may all ICE agents stub their pinky toe on every corner of every piece of furniture they ever walk by and may their paths ever be strewn with Barbie doll shoes and lego blocks. Ditto for their supporters. Fuckers.
And tough guys on the side of right need to buy stink bombs and start tossing them into ICE trucks when they’re not looking. Cause some serious good, stinky trouble needs to happen. If you can’t get rid of them at least make them miserable.
Oh, Pierre Pollievre said today that the “US seizure of Greenland would be unacceptable” which is just a baby step up from saying “the US seizure of Greenland would make them poopyheads” You tell ‘em Pierre! Tough guy.
We’re trading with China! This is big news to the right wing idiots who seem to think we weren’t already trading with china. Where do you think that latest gizmo or gadget you bought came from? We don’t make gizmos and gadgets. China makes them. Smart watches, fit bits, GPS trackers, cell phones. Made in China.
And I want a Chinese electric car. And the first person who says “but they will spy on you,” needs to Google “Where was my (insert your mobile device type) made?” Mine, so you know, was made in the land of Mao. That’s right, we’re already carrying around little chinese made dinky cars in our pockets jam-packed with all our digital worldly goods. Sometimes I worry about humanity but then I remember we’re often awful and I don’t feel so bad and worry about cats instead.
Today the foreign minister of China essentially told Trump to get China’s name out of his anus-shaped mouth. Hey, my Mandarin isn’t great but that’s my interpretation. The minister accused Washington of exaggerating a so-called “China threat” as justification for persuing its own selfish interests. China has no interest in Greenland, he said, and the US is its only threat and China supports Greenland’s sovereignty. So in other words, same thing as I said about anus mouth.
Now that we’re friends with China again, they have dropped the tariffs on Canadian Canola and already have orders from Chinese importers in that country. Saskatchewan Premier Scott Moe said “The past number of months we’ve seen PM Carney really elevate the Canadian credibility” which is crazy. I mean this is absolute madness. Turns out Carney is the God damned Moe whisperer.
Unfortunately Carney gained Moe and lost Curly. Premier Doug Ford, Ontario’s biggest mistake, is pissed because he says the reduction of tariffs on Chinese EVs as a threat to Ontario’s auto industry. Oh well, can’t please everybody. Have one of those non existant buck a beer beers bud and buck up ya hoser.
Carney says Canada would fight against the US if Trump tries to acquire Greenland. ““The Future of Greenland is a decision for Greenland and for the kingdom of Denmark. We are NATO partners with Denmark so our full partnership stands. Our obligations on Article 5, Article 2 of NATO stand and se stand fully squared behind those.”
So, gulp. It’s good to know. And I agree. We cannot ally with the United Mess of America. They are not the good guys. Yes, they have good people, but no, the country is not the good one. Read my book Desolate guys. I’m telling you. I’ve scared myself with that book. I feel like writing a really happy ending war is over, nobody gets hurt book as a counterbalance. Because I don’t know. I hope it stops here is all I can say.
My cat just picked up my pedicure file and carried it off to the bedroom. Just a touch of domesticity for you as a palate cleanser guys. Because real life happens in the home and community and mine has cats and a lot of friggin’ snow.
Trump is unfit. It’s absolute madness. I feel so bad for the future historians who have to write this shit down. And the future students who have to study it.
Can you imagine some university class down the road called “The stupidest dictator who ever dicked?” Because the embarrassing part of all this is, in a line up of Stalin, and Hitlers, and Mussolini and so on, none are so monumentally stupid as this guy. And not one of them was orange. On purpose at least.
Also, I look at all these billionaires like Combover Clown Trump, Moppy mugged Musk, the walking thumb called Bezos, and Twiddle the Twat Zucherberg and think, if I had a billion dollars I’d hire a stylist, a chef, a personal trainer. I’d look the part. Why do they all look so utterly ridiculous? Why no Tony Stark-like figure? At least there’d be something good to look at while we await the next episode of Dumbass ruins the world.
Thanks for sticking around folks. You’re all the best. I’ll be back soon. My neighbour has cleared my driveway so it’s nail day today and I am so happy! Thanks for subscribing, Thanks for the coffee! Thanks for showing up!
Smooches and hugs!
Carolyn
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