Why we compare

We all compare.

It’s part of being human.

But if you’re a high-achiever, comparison can quietly become a thief - sapping joy, eroding self-trust, and leaving you feeling like you’re constantly falling behind.

Maybe you’ve felt that sharp drop in your stomach after scrolling through LinkedIn and seeing someone’s promotion or business launch.

Or, maybe you’ve felt stuck in your career, not because you’re unclear on what you want - but because you can’t stop measuring your path against someone else’s. You’re not alone.

And it’s not your fault.

But if comparison is no longer motivating you and instead making you feel small, confused, or inadequate, it’s time to take back control.

Comparison isn’t just a mindset issue.

It’s wired into your brain.

Social comparison theory tells us that we evaluate ourselves by comparing to others, especially those who seem similar to us.

Neuroscience shows that upward comparisons (those we perceive as “doing better”) activate the same pain centres in the brain as physical injury.

And because of loss aversion, our minds give more weight to what we lack than to what we have.

Add to that the curated highlight reels of social media, and it’s no wonder we can feel constantly behind, even when we’re doing well.

What you’re comparing your life to is often an edited version of someone else’s truth. Remember you’re measuring against a projection and not necessarily reality.

Just because someone else is further ahead, earning more, or pivoting faster doesn’t mean your progress isn’t valid. There is no universal timeline for success.

When your values and not your feed guide your decisions, you start making choices that feel fulfilling rather than performative.

Not all comparison is harmful—but unexamined comparison often is.

So, next time you feel yourself spiralling after seeing someone else’s success, try this:

Notice what happens in your body: Is your chest tight? Is your jaw clenched? Are you feeling a drop in energy?

Name the thought: “I’m falling behind” or “They’re doing better than me.”

Ask yourself: What does this comparison reveal about what I really value or desire?

Shift: Breathe. Ground yourself in the present. Make a conscious choice based on your values—not their metrics.

While this practice won't stop you from comparing, it will help you reclaim your personal agency from it.

Comparison may be natural, but it doesn’t have to be in charge.

You get to choose what defines you.

Your values.

Your growth.

Your enough-ness.

You don’t have to run faster.

You just have to run true.

You are already worthy - just as you are.

Best as ever,

Carolyn

PS This newsletter is adapted from content in my forthcoming book for career development and HR professionals, "Supporting Achievers to Unlock Career Success: Theory, strategy and practice", due to be published in the autumn by Trotman Publishing.

© Carolyn Parry 2025