Not Relinquishing My Joy

The holiday season has come to an end…again…and I’ve lived through oh so many. As a child, I couldn’t wait to see what was waiting for me under the tree and then when I had my own children, I was excited to see their reactions to what Santa brought for them but not before the nights where we would light candles and sing holiday songs. They’d also help decorate the tree with as many ornaments as we could fit. Most of those ornaments, glittery balls, Precious Moments, and angels, didn’t create much of a memory. They were, well, just ornaments and that all feels like a lifetime ago since my children are all adults with lives of their own. Now, I only select ornaments that mean something to me. There’s the ones that my mother knitted for me and one that plays a Johnny Cash tune, a tune that reminds me of my dad since I recall him singing it while playing guitar. There’s others, including one of Logan, a Yorkie I rescued and cared for before he succumbed to his serious illness.

Even though now I’m a single woman doing all the decorating alone without sharing the memory with anyone, it gives me a warm feeling when placing these ornaments on the tree. However, there’s also the niggling notion where I ask myself, is this the last year for me or someone I love? (Once you reach a certain age, it’s not a silly question.) Admittedly, last night as New Year’s Eve came to a close, I exhaled, grateful that I didn’t suffer any losses, which I consider a gift, but then once that ball dropped, I begin wondering, is this the year? Is this when my grace period ends and life is forever changed? After all, it’s a guarantee that it will change—if not for me but for someone I love. Perhaps that is why this year I committed to the holiday, unlike last year, when I dreaded what the new administration would do to the country; I didn’t decorate and just went through the motions on Christmas day with my children. Even though my disheartening expectations were right, I decided not to let my joy be stolen this time around; after all, life is too short. Therefore, I put on a Charlie Brown Christmas by the Vince Guaraldi Trio and began decorating. Now, though, the tree is out of the house, the ornaments packed away and life goes on…until it doesn’t. As maudlin as all this seems, it really is a reminder to myself to cherish each day, to enjoy life while I can and to continue making memories. I know there is no guarantee and expect challenges, but hopefully, next December I’ll take a deep breath and once again go get a tree, drag all those ornament-packed boxes out, fill my house with song and lights and be grateful for all the yesterdays and optimistic for the tomorrows

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