Bees 🐝 (a poem)

Today I am bursting with words!

They buzz in my head like a swarm of bees 🐝

But I cannot catch them - they are too fast for me!

I want to shake them out onto the page,

To make sense of them - pin them down,

But they are alive in me -

And unwilling to be tamed onto paper.

So I try to shake them out - get them to settle down

I want to feel the old familiar stillness inside,

But today they ate too WILD -

and too loud to drown out the sound

As they zoom around - exhausting me!

I can no longer hide - so I decide -

To listen to their frantic cacophony

And lie completely still - allowing them room,

Observing till they become calm once more,

Accepting they will always be there,

But determining I will no longer ‘shake the hive’ in the same way as before.

I wonder if you've ever experienced this feeling? Like your head could literally burst with the thoughts spinning around in it like a swarm of bees 🐝?

If you're an ‘overthinker’ you'll understand what I mean! Sometimes I would love to open the top of my head and shake them all out! I have days when I am so full of words that I feel overwhelmed, so much so, that I cannot speak.

Days like this I retreat to my inner ‘cave’. Even the smallest physical task feels like too much. Purging thought onto paper is the best I can do to find relief. It is as if the process itself brings clarity and I just have to hide away until it all comes out.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? I wouldn't call myself an unsociable type of person, because on the whole I find communication comes naturally to me most of the time. It's just that some days I get overwhelmed with people and need to ‘switch off’ from the world and all its excitement. On those days I retreat into my ‘cave’.

It is here I can get more in touch with my authentic self - I learn about the reasons for all I do. So you could say, that my stillness is a kind of meditative state where I am able to reflect and ponder my ‘why’ and give deeper meaning to everything I experience in my life.

The ‘bees’ are always there of course. It is just that often they are subdued by physical activity or quietened by the pace of life. Most of the time I can almost forget them - let them hum quietly in the background as I carry on with my day. On other days they are more insistent, and demand to be noticed and given room.

I can remember feeling like this, even as a child. I needed space and time to recover my equilibrium after spending time with people. I still find large crowded places uncomfortable. It's as though I get overwhelmed by everyone else's ‘bees’ - though they are more like muffled voices in my head. Some may call it a gift, but it doesn't always feel that way. I have often wished I could just switch it off! There is a positive and negative aspect to everything.

Over time, I’ve learned how to quieten the ‘bees’ with my own brand of smoke. In the past, some of these ways have been unhelpful - and more about trying to numb myself into a place of not feeling anything at all! Definitely NOT recommended! Now, however, I am recognising that there is purpose in the buzzing - and that the best way to manage them is to allow them room.

Whatever we try to suppress will always keep trying to pop to the surface in us. Our unexpressed desires will eventually leak out one way or another! I am finding it is best to acknowledge whatever is buzzing about inside - before I get badly stung with my own venom. Self-awareness is key 🔑 to this.

As much as possible, I now give a voice to my inner feelings - and this newsletter has given me licence to do so on many occasions. Being known for who we truly are brings the sweetest kind of freedom to life. We are able to lay down the mask and the persona in favour of becoming the person we were always meant to be - without apology or pretence. When we allow others to meet us in this way - we offer them the greatest gift, 🎁 the opportunity to become authentic themselves without fear of rejection.

If I can accept myself - ‘warts and all’ then I can also accept you - with all your foibles and differences and little quirks. Doesn't that feel like true freedom? I know it does to me. Now off to tend to my ‘bees’ 🐝 🐝 🐝

Enjoy the song!

Big love 💜

Carole