What’s Inside Will Come Out

Someone I love is losing her filters as her dementia progresses.

We went to church this morning.
I used to be into it.
The praise.
The worship.
The giving of oneself to the spirit.

Hmmmm…not so much anymore.

It’s shallow.
Or maybe I should say it can be shallow.

I found myself not wanting to be involved in what she feeds on
I don’t want what she has spiritually
From what I understand it’s been that way her entire life

Yet, I love her.

I just wish I could see her.
Talk with her.
Connect with her.

But this performance
This act
This spiritually over-the-top stuff
I cannot connect with it.

I wish it wouldn’t affect how I feel around her
But it does

It’s too controlling
Manipulating
Shallow
Inconsistent

I try to see her through the masks
I try to excuse the performance and give her value
I find that difficult at times.

This morning was difficult
No words
No sharing as we traveled to and from the church

At one point she was very upset
She mentioned she was struggling to someone with us
Even that is a form of control

Some people with dementia become someone new.
Others just stop hiding who they’ve always been.
What I’m describing is the second.

And now, it deepens its grip

It becomes nearly unbearable
We put up with it
Because we love her

What was once just irritation
Has now gone over the top.

It makes me want to deal with any of my own stuff now
Not when it’s too late

Because whatever is inside of me
Will come out as I reach my 80s and 90s

I’ve seen it in my own parents
I’ve seen it in people I love

Dementia or not.

What we once thought we would never hear out of their mouths
Comes out when the aging factor removes the filters

Anger.
Gossip.
Judgement.
Control.

What once was just glimpses of such behavior is now on full display.
Towards doctors, nurses, family members, loved ones.

Yet, I’ve also seen
Acceptance.
Resignation.
Appreciation.
Love.

That is what I want to show when I reach the end of life.

What do I need to deal with now before it’s too late?