Bryan Johnson Scored His Girlfriend’s Vagina. We Need to Talk About That.

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It began, as all great cultural moments now do, with a man publicly congratulating himself for foreplay.

“Just gave Kate oral sex. Goodnight, everyone,” Bryan Johnson posted to his million-plus followers on X on April 29th.

For those who don’t speak influencer, Johnson is a 48-year-old multi-millionaire venture capitalist who has dedicated his life to the project of never dying, which apparently now includes a very active social media presence about his sex life.

Two minutes later (presumably still catching his breath), he followed up with his girlfriend Kate Tolo’s vaginal microbiome report. “100/100 score,” he announced. “Top 1% of all vaginas.” (Please note: The size and demographic composition of that database were not included in his post.)

The internet, to its credit, had thoughts.

One commenter dubbed it a “coochie Carfax.” Another wrote: “This man just posted his girlfriend’s p — y stats like a quarterly earnings report.” A third simply observed: “You’re weird.”

All three are correct.

I, for one, did not know we were scoring vaginas. I certainly did not know there was a vagina percentile system. I have been going about my life in profound ignorance of my vaginal Yelp review, and I would like it noted that I find this newly humbling.

But here is why I both hate and appreciate influencers: Bryan Johnson’s research is not entirely wrong.

The vagina is home to a microbial ecosystem — bacteria, fungi, and other organisms. This microbial ecosystem lives in a carefully balanced community that protects against infection, regulates pH, and interfaces directly with your immune system, your reproductive health, and your overall longevity markers. This ecosystem is not static. It responds to what you eat, how much you exercise, your stress levels, and your medications.

Who you sleep with also affects your vaginal microbiome. Johnson’s own thesis — “what you put in it” — technically refers to diet and probiotics. The internet interpreted it differently. Both readings are scientifically defensible.