"God... I really hate this, sometimes."

“God! How can you allow this to happen?!”

“God, are you seeing this?"!”

“God, you allegedly know all, and yet you do nothing!?”
^“How long, Lord, will the wicked,
how long will the wicked be jubilant?”

The first three questions arose this week, whilst reading the news.

If you are thinking and feeling, right now, that your prayers are going unanswered, that the wicked are winning, you are not alone. A lot of prayers are going unanswered, and the wicked are not being punished. So much so, that we’d be fools not to pause, take a deep breath, and ask ourselves, “God, what on Earth are we doing?”

I became aware of “God” (the over-seer, the consciousness, the power of Love, AKA The Universe) five years ago. It is a framework that, when you start to really hang your hat on “Oh, God has a plan…” boy, finally, you can sleep at night. It was a revelation to me, the before God and after. Before, I was driven by Fear. I felt indebted to my family as a slave is to work itself. I hated myself.

Now, post-God, post-awakening, I am no where near having to numb myself to get to sleep at night. I fall right there. So satisfied am I by the Love of my creator, that why wouldn’t I fall right asleep?

I needn’t worry about a damn thing.

Except, I do, I still do.

I have been learning to pray. I have prayed for the people in my life to be safe, and in God’s favor; I have prayed for something for myself, like a better job, or a more loving partner; and I have prayed over complete strangers, so that something within them might be healed.

But, when faced with The News, I am often left at odds. When I read about the genocide in Gaza… of the useless and terrible war with Iran… of ICE raids and murders, deportations, inhumane detention centers, child sex trafficking… I can barely take it. As a child of alcoholism, such things have me begging for the bottle, not strength which which to combat it. I barely have the words to form a prayer with. In fact, “Jesus! How can you allow this?!” is about all I can muster, really. And there’s no intention, it doesn’t feel like a prayer, but a condemnation of God himself. It feels worthless, and worse than that, it makes me feel helpless to even think it.

Helplessness, I think, breeds a kind of dark complacency. Surrendering to “the way things are” is just bankrupt, is it not? I feel not-caring or not-considering deeply wrong, and it’s one of the things helping Evil exist in the living. So I feel that to even be considered Human, I must turn my attention to suffering, at some point. It’s going to hurt. I know it. But then I return again to seek the face of God, and I am then emotionally healed, but into action.

Intellectually, I know I have to pray over these things. Yet, time and time again, I find myself resisting: “…but, no! I don’t know how to pray about this! I don’t know how to manifest peace, and healing, and rest for those who need it, and for judgement to be metered out to those who hurt others! How is any of this in my control, God? Is any of this under your control, God?”

We beat our breasts.

Why, God, why? Why?

Why must you level this at us, too, when we are already so Bereaved?

From 30,000 feet above, I know that God can do anything. He has done countless miracles in my life, and I’m sure there will be more. I’ve been praising and thanking God for this… but today I asked myself: have I been expressing my heartbrokenness over the state of the world to Him?

Have I expressed the changes I would like him to bring about? Again, what kind of prayer to pray? It’s not a hallelujah, certainly! How can I praise a divine plan that includes such horrors and atrocities?

So, what prayer do I pray? Well, today in service, my dear Pastor John (Perrine) gave me the answer: The people of God look to their Bibles, and find there, the Psalms.

Over the past few weeks, our church has been exploring the Psalms. These are the Biblical songs, sung for several thousand years, to God. They were about everything: decrying the latest “king” / despot / ruler, praising God, saying what might be pleasing to Him; what might bring one another favor.

Prayers of lamentation, as the faithful know, have great power. When we grieve the loss of a loved one, and the Ave Maria or Amazing Grace washes over us… those tears are the early stages, the very beginning, of healing. There is much healing left to come, and years in which to grieve, but the music of that ceremonial rite… is the seed.

These songs allow God to work in us. Don’t they? How many times have you been so heartbroken that you needed to cry to a particular song? Or you’re driving along and a song comes on the radio, and suddenly, you’re balling?

You know what I’m talking about. You were in search of something; some kind of healing, and it was a particular kind of music brought it to you. The kind of song that brings the salt (get it? saltwater tears, the psalter…? I know.)

You need to cry, God says, in order to heal.

I believe, also, that some prayers are too sad to be merely be spoken. They need to be sung. Makes sense. “We Are the World” united people around the world to engage with the AIDS epidemic, entreating the powerful to act, and it worked. Similarly, I believe imprecatory psalms can work on today’s world-wide sicknesses and abuses, entreating God (and therefore Man) to act.

An imprecatory psalm is a song, to God, of our specific anger.

Anger that can be used for Change.

Unless there is some relatively benign use of it (as in sports), anger is something we are all conditioned to avoid in Western society. It’s something to keep under wraps; something to “pray over” and to “get over” before speaking to anyone. It’s uses are limited, we are taught. Secular society says, “Don’t get angry; what’s the point? It’s not going to change anything.”
But the People of God should try and remember that anger actually has a very powerful place in our spiritual lives.

What if God is waiting for us to cry out to him about our pains?

Can God care, if we don’t?

I’m not a raging capitalist, but man, I’m sorta hoping someone will want to go halfsies on an Etsy shop for tee shirts that read, “Evil better run …cause Anger can be fun.” No, seriously, it can! When Anger is used for good, it can be very liberating, very fun, and very powerful. Anger can be fuel for a larger fight.

Imagine, for a moment, it’s 2028, and we have a rational government again (instead of a bunch of rats fleeing a sinking ship). Now, imagine if that government were to hire 150,000 fresh, new FBI agents and put them all to work on unraveling the human trafficking epidemic? Now, what if we hired one million of them? In my mind’s eye, I can see them all, all those fresh-faced college grads who know how every IP address also has a fixed address and account holder name at the end of the rainbow.

Yeah. I don’t know about you, but I’m done seeing TV shows with people going around pretending to solve crime. What I’m looking for is real human beings, in ill-fitted blue jackets, going IP address to IP address in search of criminals. And then bringing those people to justice.

(PPST: Hey, Feds, here’s an idea: How about we fill those already-paid-for detention centers with the actual criminals? Seems like if we let out all the innocent people, we’d have more than enough room.)

Can God know what we want… if we don’t specifically pray for it?

Can we pray for it, if we can’t envision it?

Imprecatory psalms, the psalms I mentioned before of anger, demanding justice for the wicked, can (and do) have the same power as a lamentation.

The Psalm we focused on today was Psalm 94, below. Now, before you read it, or as you read it, remember that the words are not just words, but lyrics sung over music. Tied as I am spiritually to the Judaic people, after service today I read the words below while listening to the soundtrack to aSchindler’s List:

The Lord is a God who avenges.
O God who avenges, shine forth.
² Rise up, Judge of the earth;
pay back to the proud what they deserve.

³ How long, Lord, will the wicked,
how long will the wicked be jubilant?

⁴ They pour out arrogant words;
all the evildoers are full of boasting.
⁵ They crush your people, Lord;
they oppress your inheritance.
⁶ They slay the widow and the foreigner;
they murder the fatherless.
⁷ They say, “The Lord does not see;
the God of Jacob takes no notice!”

⁸ Take notice, you senseless ones among the people;
you fools, when will you become wise?
⁹ Does he who fashioned the ear not hear?
Does he who formed the eye not see?
¹⁰ Does he who disciplines nations not punish?
Does he who teaches mankind lack knowledge?

¹¹ The Lord knows all human plans;
he knows that they are futile (‘dust’).
¹² Blessed is the one you discipline, Lord,
the one you teach from your law;
¹³ you grant them relief from days of trouble,
till a pit is dug for the wicked.

¹⁴ For the Lord will not reject his people;
he will never forsake his inheritance.
¹⁵ Judgment will again be founded on righteousness,
and all the upright in heart will follow it.

¹⁶ Who will rise up for me against the wicked?
Who will take a stand for me against evildoers?
¹⁷ Unless the Lord had given me help,
I would soon have dwelt in the silence of death.

Sometimes, God needs to hear our outrage. Our deep sorrow for the innocent, and innocence, lost. God needs to hear our specific pleas for change. It’s not only okay to sit in these hard feelings about that topic (about which you care so much), it is imperative. Just use them towards prayer, and in the direction of action.

Jesus didn’t come to Earth to fix everything. He knew he couldn’t. God gave us way more Free Will for that to come by so easily. But, he did come (I think) to inspire us to do better, and grow closer to one another- especially the stranger. Especially the cast-out.

We still are in relation to our Creator.

And just like we can’t do it without God, God can’t do it without us.

But we first have to believe in Him, believe our cries will be heard by Him, before we can accomplish anything through prayer. This means we must look back at our own lives, and think of all the times God has been with us, specifically.

The last portion of that same psalm is this:

¹⁸ When I said, “My foot is slipping,”
your unfailing love, Lord, supported me.
¹⁹ When anxiety was great within me,
your consolation brought me joy.

²⁰ Can a corrupt throne be allied with you—
a throne that brings on misery by its decrees?
²¹ The wicked band together against the righteous
and condemn the innocent to death.
²² But the Lord has become my fortress,
and my God the rock in whom I take refuge.
²³ He will repay them for their sins
and destroy them for their wickedness;
the Lord our God will destroy them.*

The next time you hear a piece of news that shakes you to your core with anger, sit with those feelings a moment. Don’t just move onto the next thing; use that anger as fuel for prayer. Ask God to punish the evil-doers, and avenge the innocent. This may sound like one of the harsher prayers you can say, and maybe even too hopeful. But, I believe God wants to hear these, too. We are, after all, co-creating this experience with Him. Why not tell him what you’re damned sick and tired of, alongside everything else?

It is through our emotions that God guides us, listens to us, and co-creates with us.

Get good and mad, everybody.
For if not now… when?

Human pleas for the Almighty to save us have been going up. They have always been going up, and are still going up today. Are there enough of the same prayers, though? That’s the question. Are we at maximum prayerfulness on the right thing? If not, how many more must we sing?

And when will God intervene?

Not until all the songs of the psalter have been sung.

Be sure to sing the songs of lament.

Be sure to sing the songs of anguish.

Be sure to sing the songs asking for help, and for justice. Pray for the innocent…

And then, sing the songs of thanksgiving.

And then! Thanksgiving.

Be well.

Love, Cara

PS: Special Thanks to Pastor John Perrine for giving me the inspiration for this post.

^{*From New International Version (NIV) Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright ©1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used without permission. All rights reserved worldwide.}

^{**Soundtrack to the film Schindler’s List, Music by John Williams and Itzhak Perlman, Copyright ©1993 . Used without permission. All rights reserved worldwide.}