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I am becoming exactly who you wanted and needed me to be and in that I find pride. Pride to embody strength, confidence, and peace that felt out of reach. But there's also a sadness in knowing that you're not by my side and that you won't get to see this version of me. It's true that you inspired this transformation. Maybe you were never meant to stay for this chapter - only to spark the beginning…
It’s tempting to feel like I need to "fix" myself right now. Not only am I incredibly goals-driven, but there’s a crisis which I feel depends on it. But that is not sustainable. Instead, I will aim for a small, achievable improvement today. Just 1%. It can be in my mood, my energy, or my clarity. And those small wins will accumulate, compound, and present in real, meaningful change.
The core mistake I make when I’m anxiously attached is trying to eliminate any possibility of separation or loss. I aim for constant togetherness and it backfires. I'm learning that healthy intimacy requires both approaching and withdrawing. Without both, there’s no sustainability. Intimacy works as a rhythm: we connect, then we separate to process our own experience, self-regulate, and then we…
Thoughts are mental events - they appear, the peak, and they pass. They are not instructions, prophecies, or verdicts. My mind tends to throw up "what ifs", replays, and harsh judgements. My reflex is always to add layers - catastrophes, hunting for certainties, and over-analyzing. But those layers are optional. I'm trying to just notice this, name the pattern, allow it to happen, and return back…
I other-think, overanalyze, and catastrophize - it's always been the person I am. And when something stressful happens or could happen, my heart rate goes up, my mind won't stop running in every direction, and I can't sleep. Whatever is eating me up becomes all-consuming. I seek reassurance, escalate intensity, and perform progress to be seen. And, on top of that, I feel undeserving of good…
Over the last year, a version of me I didn’t recognize started traveling without me. It slipped from conversation to conversation - edited, embellished, and impossible to catch, eventually going full circle many times over until it reached me again, each time worse than the last. Early on, I realized my only goal was to stay consistent and true to myself, and to secure the outcomes I needed…
For most of my life, the systems around me have worked in my favor. I’m a white dude in Europe working in tech — what a huge amount of privilege. I’m aware of it, and I try to help others, but that’s out of moral duty, not because it truly impacts me. Even things like being an immigrant, or still working on speaking the primary language, are made easier by my intersectional privilege. But in the…
We say “trust the process” like it is a promise. It is not. At best, it is a tool that can help reach a fair outcome. At worst, it can drain you while producing something that feels anything but fair. In the middle of this kind of process, the days blur. You follow every step. You gather documents. You show up. Still, it can be exhausting to watch how the current state persists while the gears…