POST SUMMARY
The things that fostered desire in the past stop working as your life and relationship progress.
Sex has to be good so it's worth having when you're tired and have a lot of other obligations.
Communicating your needs is necessary to have better sex.
If you don’t prioritize pleasure outside of sex, you won’t prioritize it in a sexual context.
HOUSEKEEPING
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THE POST
Do you ever wonder why you never feel like having sex anymore? If you used to feel desire in the early years of your relationship, but now it’s the last thing on your mind, it’s possible you aren’t having sex worth having.
In the beginning of your relationship, everything was new and exciting, being desired was a turn on, and knowing how happy sex made your partner motivated your inner people pleaser. Those are great reasons to have sex. However, as time passes and the relationship progresses, those reasons become less effective. The relationship isn’t new anymore; being desired starts to turn you off because it feels like pressure, and having sex because you know it makes your partner happy isn’t enough of a reason when you’re exhausted from life’s increasing demands. For these reasons and more, what initially fueled your desire no longer works. That’s not because something is wrong with you or your relationship. It’s because you’re at a different stage of your life.
Now, you need different reasons to have sex. One of those reasons needs to be that the sex is worth having, despite all your other obligations and regardless of how exhausted you are. If it’s not that good, you won’t prioritize it, and you won’t feel desire.
While there are many ways to have better sex, there are two key factors that make it possible. First, you need to ask for what you want. If you don’t feel comfortable asking, it won’t get better. People pleasers often struggle with this because they are highly skilled at caring for others, but less skilled at asking for what they want and receiving it. If you’re not used to asking for what you want and receiving it, it will feel awkward and uncomfortable at first. Try to hang in through the discomfort that comes with the process of change. Give yourself time to practice, and eventually it will feel easy.
The second key factor that makes it possible to have better sex is your relationship to pleasure. It’s hard to have sex worth having if you don’t value pleasure. Sometimes we don’t value pleasure because we were taught it’s not important. In a society like ours, which prioritizes productivity, it makes sense that many people deprioritize pleasure.
Some people struggle to prioritize pleasure because they believe their value comes in their ability to please others. They don’t feel worthy unless they can make others happy. When your worth depends on pleasing others, you spend your life seeking ways to give pleasure rather than receiving it. Just as asking for what you want is a skill you can hone, so is receiving it. Give yourself time to practice receiving so that, over time, it will feel good.
To begin addressing your libido struggles:
Explore your relationship to pleasure. What messages did you get about pleasure? What was modeled for you? What would you like to believe about pleasure? What do you feel when you hear the word pleasure? How do you feel when you say it? You can journal about these ideas or discuss them with your therapist.
Start prioritizing pleasure in non-sexual contexts. If you don’t prioritize pleasure outside of sex, you won’t prioritize it in a sexual context. Notice how you feel on days you’ve prioritized pleasure. Do you feel more energy? Less energy? What else do you notice?
Practice asking for things and receiving. Start asking for things you want or need in non-sexual contexts first. For example, ask for help and let others help you. Let others go out of their way for you. Notice how it feels to receive. Notice how it feels when you ask for something and don’t get it. Let these practices be uncomfortable until they feel more familiar. When you feel ready, ask your partner for what you want in a sexual context. Feel free to start small. Continue to practice asking and receiving until it feels easier.
While there are other ways to have better sex, asking for what you want and being able to receive pleasure are always necessary. Pleasure is essential for overall wellness, so it’s important to work on having more of it in your life. Plus, life is short, and you deserve it!
This blog was originally published on Psychology Today.
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