The Desire Tourniquet Kills Romance in Long-term Partnership

The way you cut off from your desire for freedom… or lovers outside your partnership…or carefreeness or even rebelliousness when you enter into committed partnership is what leads to passionless or sexless relationships.

Hear me out…

You think you’re putting a tourniquet on specific desires but you’re actually cutting off blood supply to desire as a whole.

And desire dies.

Just like a bloodless limb.

So how can we stay open to desire?

How we can alchemize lust and erotic charge in the body without acting on the superficial impulses in destructive ways?

How can we expand our capacity to be with our own yearning and longing so that desire has blood flow again?

We think we’re being responsible when we cut off “bad” desires. We do it because we’re scared of that fully feeling those would mean or because we don’t trust our own restraint.

But your thoughts do not need to become actions.

Arousal in your body can be channeled anywhere you want.

It doesn’t need to be directed towards the person or thing that triggered the arousal.

Energy is just energy.

YOU control and direct how to use it.

I think our shame is what creates the conditions for misaligned behavior. When we remove the shame, we can make compassionate choices from a place of self-acceptance. We don’t need to lie to our partner or our ourselves.

There’s no reason to cheat when you can own that you’re bored or feel disconnected or want novelty again.

If you can talk about it, you can find ways to meet that valid need in a way that doesn’t hurt you or someone else.

Dare to desire,

-C